Why All The Choices That I Make Leave Me With Scars?

I'd Rather Be Me (With You)

It was nearly Christmas Eve when Harumi paced the floor of hers and Lloyd's apartment, her mind whirling as she waited for Lloyd to get home from dinner with his parents. She had been mentally preparing herself to ask him what had been on her mind all day, which she was still attempting to decide how to put into words. She wanted to go further with him in their relationship, the physical part of it, to clarify. She'd thought about it but never asked outright, and even had a few dreams.

Harumi had absolutely no idea how she would approach this topic, as she wasn't even sure if Lloyd was okay with taking that step. She'd been completely content with the boundaries they'd silently set with one another, and the safe word was hardly ever used during their activities, but Harumi found herself desiring more. Initially she was too shy to ask for anything at all, but after that first time she'd handed Lloyd her phone and allowed him to read what she really wanted, she'd gotten braver. Now, if asked, Harumi could tell- or rather sheepishly mumble to- Lloyd the things she wanted to try.

She couldn't believe how big of a deal she was making out of this. Lloyd was very understanding, and they'd always been able to talk to each other, especially about the embarrassing stuff. She sighed and sat on the couch, head in her hands as she contemplated what to do, but she didn't have much time, because at that moment she heard the lock click on the front door and Lloyd traipsed in, Tupperware container in hand. "I brought leftovers!"

Harumi couldn't help but smile as she raised her head to look over the couch at him. He had a grin on his face, which she'd grown accustomed to seeing more often now. It was a nice contrast to the cold frown he used to walk around with.

"Maya made lasagna, she told me to take some home for you. Have you eaten?" He walked into the kitchen and Harumi followed him, stretching out her legs on the way.

"Not yet; I actually forgot." She popped her neck. "I've been kinda tense all night."

"Well duh, you haven't gone out of the house in a couple of days. We're going to your mom's house for Christmas, right?" Lloyd set the container on the counter.

"Yeah, and we're all gonna open presents after lunch." She looked back towards the living room where they had their own mini tree set up in the corner, adorned with colorful lights and the few ornaments they snagged from both of their houses. She smiled. "We can come back here after and watch Christmas movies if you want."

"That sounds wonderful." Lloyd reached out to pull Harumi closer to him, planting a kiss on her forehead and leaving his lips there for a moment, just holding her. She returned the hug, closing her eyes and humming contently. "Do you want some lasagna?"

"Maybe later... Could you actually get this knot out of my back? It's been bothering me all evening," she asked quietly.

"Of course." Lloyd pulled away. "Couch or...?"

"My room if you could," Harumi said shyly.

"Why the room?" He raised an eyebrow at her with a teasing grin. "If you want me in bed that badly you could say so."

She shoved his shoulder, stepping back. "Oh shut it, you." She turned on her heel and walked out of the kitchen, heading for her bedroom and flopping over onto the bed with a groan. Her back really did hurt, but her thought process was that if she got Lloyd in bed first she'd have the courage to ask him what she really wanted to ask.

After she laid there for a few minutes she felt Lloyd settle on the bed before she heard him. "Where's it hurting?" he asked her soothingly, running his hand from the small of her back up to her shoulder blades.

"Right between my shoulders," Harumi murmured into the comforter, kicking her feet slightly.

Lloyd scooted further forward so that he could sit right beside her, using both hands to knead circles into her spine with his knuckles. Harumi's shoulders bunched up slowly, and she let out an exhale as she felt the tension begin to leave her body. "You're still really good at that."