Addicted to You (Devils Right Hand MC #3)

Chapter 27

Axe's POV

My coping mechanism has always been self-destruction. After Mel died, I got roped into the wrong crowd who would steal cars and then use me to break them down into parts to be sold. I went into a deep hole inside of myself and I only wanted to hurt other people because I was in so much pain. I didn't think anyone should deserve to be happy or have a nice car because I sure as hell wasn't happy. Essentially, I was making sure that my life would implode. I didn't see the point of anything so I acted out of pain, consequences be damned.

That was four years ago, I was only 16. I thought that was a normal way to cope. I assumed it was just because of my age and lack of support that I thought I deserved to cause other people pain because I was in pain. After I found Grease and the club, I thought I had grown out of that. I thought that I was a man now and I could handle anything as long as I had her, but I was very wrong.

No real man would do what I did two days ago. No real man would get so angry that he betrayed his girl in the worst possible way. No real man would leave his girl when she needed him the most.

I'm not a real man. I thought the club and being a part of a bigger purpose made me a man. I thought protecting people who couldn't protect themselves made me a man. I thought loving Gabby made me a man. But I never really changed from the scared little boy I was four years ago. Deep down I'm like an injured dog, snapping at anything that tries to help it because I'm afraid and hurting.

I'm a fucking dog with a broken leg. I can't love Gabby the way she deserves. I can't do any of this.

But the worst part is I don't think I can stop it. As much as I try to pinpoint why I went off the deep end, I can't figure it out. Sure I was scared, but that doesn't explain why I went for the jugular with my words. Gabby was right, part of me said that because I knew how much it would hurt her. I knew that was the one thing I could say to make her feel a fraction of what I was feeling and I said it. I put my pain and my feelings above her.

I failed her, but know I don't know what the fuck I can do about it. The night after it happened I panicked because I didn't know where she was. I must've messaged Gabby and the girls a hundred times before Grace finally told me she was safe. Even though I know I lost the right, I still have the most obsessive urge to protect her and worry about her. I thought that's just how you feel when you're in love, but maybe it isn't. Maybe I don't know what healthy love looks like.

Yesterday, I hid in my room all day drinking until I forgot all about the shit show my life is right now. I tried to forget but after every shot, I would just picture that look on her face right after I called her a prostitute. If anybody else would've caused that look on her face I would've killed them where they stood, but I caused it. I caused it and I can't even figure out why. That makes me a shit boyfriend, but even more than that it would make me a shit father.

Father.

That's something I didn't fucking expect. I know we'd have kids someday, but I thought someday was very far in the future, not nine months. Nine months. There is going to be a baby in nine months. There are so many things we would have to figure out under normal circumstances, but I made sure this wouldn't be under normal circumstances. One day and I'm already bad at this dad thing. I'm already failing my kid and their mom.

With a groan, I try to push the thoughts out of my head as I stand up. I guess I have to face the world sooner or later so I should probably just go down to the bar. The guys hate me, especially Grease. I get it, I got him in trouble with his woman. That is something that is unforgivable especially since she's very pregnant. But what hurt the most was the way Blade looked at me. I've kind of looked at him as a father figure and the disappointment that was in his eyes that night, that's something I'll forget. I failed him.