Addicted to You (Devils Right Hand MC #3)

Chapter 32

TW: GRAPHIC details of pregnancy loss

Gabby's POV

Frozen.

The world is spinning around me but I'm just frozen.

I can't move. I can't speak. I can't think. I can just sit in this damn recliner staring at a wall with my arms wrapped around my stomach.

I've cried a few times today, especially when I had to tell Axe, but now I can't even do that. I'm just stuck in a fog. Sometimes, I question if I'm even breathing.

"Do you want some tea?" Grace asks but she sounds like she's a million miles away. Everything around me just seems so dull, like I'm living in a bubble.

"No," I mumble but I'm not even sure the words were audible.

"Gabby, you really need to take your medicine," she pushes again. I've been home a few hours and I can't bring myself to take the medicine they gave me. That medicine that will cause the last trace of my son to disappear. Right now I am frozen, and it's a horrible feeling, but after I take that medicine I'll feel empty and I know that will be unbearable.

I can't verbally respond, so I just shake my head no. My neck barely moves because it feels like my head weighs a hundred pounds. My entire body aches from grief.

Earlier I had questioned what real grief feels like. I wish it was something I never had to find out. Real grief isn't just one feeling, it's every feeling you've ever had all at once. It freezes your body, mind, and soul. It makes your entire body hurt from the breaks in your soul. It takes the heart out of your chest. I don't think a person can live without their heart. I don't know how I can live without mine because he took it with him.

"Gabby, look at me," Grace says as she bends down in front of me to meet my blank gaze. "Nothing can undo what's been done. Taking this medication won't hurt him, it will save you." As she speaks, I see tears form in her eyes again. Everyone offered to stay with me, but I just wanted one person. I can't stand the thought of multiple people seeing me like this.

I let her words wash over me but it doesn't change this feeling. "When I take them, I-I'll be empty. I don't know i-if I'm ready to feel that way again," I squeak with emotion full in my voice but my eyes remain as dry as a bone.

"Sweetheart, I am so sorry but you are going to feel empty no matter what." A thick silence hangs in the air as I realize my fate. This has to happen. I have to do this and I must process whatever the hell I feel. Like a lot of things in my life, I don't get a choice. This is just another thing that happened to me that I have to fucking deal with. I have to take it on the chin and not break even though it feels like God himself is trying to shatter me.

"Give me the pills," I sigh. She hands me two small pills and a glass of water. I don't take the time to look at them before I down them. I can't look at them. I can't think about them. I just do what I have to do.

Half of me expected my baby to just fall out of me as soon as I took those pills. I stay rigid in the recliner with my muscles tense, waiting for anything to happen, but nothing does. I don't feel any different but I know it's coming.

"It takes about an hour to kick in," Grace says as she answers my silent question. "It feels like a really bad period for about three or four hours. I brought a pack of large overnight pads, you'll need to go put one on because it'll be...... heavy." She sounds like a robot as she recites these instructions. I'm not sure how she even knows all of this, Clove is the nurse, not her.

"Okay," I mumble but I don't move from the recliner. I don't want to see a pad right now. I want to stay frozen. Please, God, let me stay frozen a little while longer.