Callsign: Cat (Ghost X READER/OC)

Ch 10: Drowning

The flag in Cat's hands felt heavy. She knew it was coming, the moment she left the hospital while stateside, she knew. Birdie and her dad had added Cat as an emergency contact, including her in who to go to for familial contact. The one who they were to go to had Birdie died while she was in service because her dad was sick. He lived at Birdie's home for a reason, not that they told Cat. They were worried that if she knew he was sick she'd push for Birdie to get out sooner. That was shocking news to hear after the autopsy, but it was protocol. Tell next of kin and go on with their lives. But Cat couldn't. She was on the verge of losing it- the pain in her chest was crushing.
No matter how many funerals she attends, these were so much harder. Due to the nature of what happened, the Navy rushed their funerals, before Ghost and the rest of Task Force 141 could even be there, they were held up in Chicago. According to the news, things got a little messy. Kate Laswell had a hand in that coverup, Cat knew it. Cat was alone, Astrid and Hound's surviving family reached out to Cat, wanting to know why, but Cat couldn't tell them. Nothing would come out when she tried, but Hound's cousin, Ana, got their family to stop asking questions, for now. The Navy, maybe it was Kate, planned the funerals of Birdie's dad, and covered the costs of the funerals for Hound's family. Ana told Cat, said it was a rumor.
Cat put the carefully folded flag in her passenger seat of her car, hurt knee or not, she is not letting someone drive her around. Cat didn't acknowledge any sailor that approached her, hell, she barely acknowledged anyone around her, her eyes dead and unfocused as she went through the motions.
Cat was barely able to tell Kate to have someone check on the people who testified against Graves, barely being able to tell her what he said. Kate hasn't gotten back to her about them, but judging by the numerous missed calls Cat had to Gary, it couldn't be good. Gary always answers Cat. Had Cat not been ordered to stay close to base except for today, she would have driven to Arizona where he told her he lived. All she could do was wait to see if the police or anyone would confirm what she suspected, not that they would update her. The guilt was eating at her, some part of her wanted someone to save her, pull her from the rough waters that she was in, but she knew better. The more people she got close to the more they got hurt. Cat was better off alone, no matter how much she was suffering, she couldn't risk it. Cat was the first to arrive at Birdie's funeral, but the first to leave. Cat never did well at funerals, Birdie and Hound always made her stay, but with it being theirs? Cat couldn't do it, the shame of not being able to stay longer for their funerals and service was eating at her.
Cat started the car and just drove, she didn't want to go back to base, back to the barracks where everyone would stare. Not yet, yet, as long as she would be back before sundown, she couldn't be considered awol. Cat didn't drive home, or anywhere in particular. Cat kind of just wound up at the first place she invited Birdie and Hound. A narrow dirt road, surrounded by fields of nothing, not nothing but flowers and high grass.. The first place Cat went to while in California to practice riding her grom. She knew no one would come here, no one ever did. But it was pretty. Despite the fields being nothing but grass, occasionally wildflowers would grow. Something Cat was hoping would be here this time. Cat just parked alongside the road and didn't leave, looking out at the empty grass fields. Maybe this was a punishment for failing her family, she doesn't get to see the things they all enjoyed, not one single wildflower was in sight, hell most of the grass was dying from the heat. She wanted to get out but the harsh white of her uniform would show evidence that Cat didn't go straight to base, or to her home. She couldn't go back home, not with everything being a harsh reminder of how she failed. Cat chuckled to herself, trying to shake the thoughts from her head, but she couldn't. How was it fair that she survived this? How was it fair that everyone from her childhood would be proven to be right, time after time? Why couldn't Cat be stronger? Or a better fighter? Better yet, why couldn't Cat just be better? Everyone always told her that if she was nicer, smiled more, been a better daughter, or had prayed more then the Christian God would show her mercy, people wouldn't hurt her. Was this the mercy they were talking about? Surviving being beaten within an inch of her life as a child? Being kidnapped, beaten, nearly assaulted, by the people the state put her with to work through her issues, mercy? Were her prayers as a child not good enough? Was she not good enough? Was she not a good enough daughter? She stayed quiet, did what she was told, took the beatings without crying, kept quiet whenever anyone told her too. She used to pray, multiple times a day, that's what her teachers told her to do. It's what everyone told her to do. So Cat used to pray, beg for capital G God to convince her dad to not beat her everyday, to make her at least be able to handle the broken bones he'd give her, to give her the strength to not give up. But Cat realized she was praying to no one, the sky was empty, forsaken by any god. Cat was left alone to deal with it. So here Cat sat, tears running down her face, wanting to know what sick god felt that she deserved this. She wanted someone that wasn't just her to blame. But Cat gave up on religion years ago, if there was a god, any god, why would they pick her to save? Why would they choose to help her now? They never did before. Cat sat in silence in her car, the flag next to her felt suffocating, as if it was taking all the air from the car. She would give anything to have her family, no, friends back. Cat didn't have a family, she never did anything to deserve one, proof being that all she has ever done was destroy them. Every person she ever had as a "family" either died because of her or hated her because she ruined their lives just by existing.
It was hours later, the day growing late, before Cat moved. Before Cat left the fields, not feeling any better than when she got there. No matter how much she craved it, Cat couldn't allow herself to have comfort. Monsters don't get comfort, and that's what she saw herself as. Nothing more than the monster everyone told her that she was, because people don't kill their families or risk them being put in situations where they could be hurt, yet that's all Cat ever did. Hurt people, even as a kid she hurt people, she never meant too, she didn't want to be born.
Cat drove back to base, surprisingly, she didn't drive recklessly, or go over the speed limit in any capacity. She didn't want to go there and answer all the questions everyone had, she could see people were waiting to ask, but they were scared to. They were scared of her.
By the time got to the base, she was pushing her time constraints. But she didn't care. There was nothing anyone could do to her at this point. Not that it mattered, she was still told to go to someone's office. Cat halfheartedly went to the office, spacing out. It would be the same spiel they always gave, a bunch of meaningless words, and the threat of being sent to behavioral if they, she, were to do something to harm herself. Cat forced herself to somewhat pay attention before she even entered the office, spacing out wouldn't help yet, have to try to focus at the beginning at least.
Imagine the momentary shock Cat felt when she opened the door to her task force and Kate Laswell waiting for her. Cat had just assumed they weren't going to actually come back for her, especially after they told her they wouldn't miss the funerals.
Cat stood frozen in the doorway, more so shocked they actually showed up. But, it beats being lectured.
"Cat, sorry for missing the-"
"Don't stress about it." Cat softly cut Price off.
"Where are your crutches?" Kate spoke up.
Cat shook her head, "I don't need them. I'm fine."
"So if we were to drag you down to the infirmary would they confirm that?"
Cat nodded at Kate, before turning to leave the room. Cat did not want to spend any more time in the infirmary.
"Cat, to get here you had to climb stairs!" Kate exclaimed from behind Cat.
Cat picked up her pace, if she just made it to the barracks she could potentially lock them out. Cat felt hands grab her shoulders, dragging her backwards. Cat allowed whoever grabbed her to turn her around. Cat kept her head down, feeling like she's about to be scolded but to her surprise she wasn't.
"Cat, come on. We've waited on you for hours. Don't bail on us yet." It was Ghost.
Cat huffed, relenting and she let Ghost drag her back to the office with the others. She felt majorly out of place due to her uniform. Which she really wanted to get out of.
Kate sighed when she saw Cat, "Why don't you have your crutches?"
Cat shrugged, not looking at anyone, "Don't want them. I don't use them to begin with."
"Why? You got shot in the knee?" Gaz asked with a groan.
"They missed my knee. Got shot right below it. Mostly a flesh wound at this point."
"Cat, it has been four days since you sustained those injuries."
"Okay? And?" Cat look at Kate as if she stated something that wasn't obvious.
Everyone just stared at Cat but no one said anything.
"Well if we're done here, I'm-"
"You're not leaving yet. Why were you late getting here?"
"Well, Price, I was told I had to be back before curfew and well I am. Wasn't told anything else." Cat said with a shrug, "If you really want to know where I was, get me permission to leave base and I'll show you."
"It seems a little late to-"
"Well, Laswell, why am I here?"
"Cat, can't we come see you?" Kate scoffed.
"No. There's always a catch, so what is it? You're not here to scold me or whatever. So?"
Soap groaned, "Cat there doesn't always have to be a catch. We're friends and you went through hell. We want to see how you're doing."
"As you can see, I'm fine."
Ghost nudged Cat's shoulder, "Don't be crass. They're trying. Give them a break."
Cat rolled her eyes, "Right. But why are we still here? What could be so important it couldn't have waited until tomorrow?"
"The Navy is allowing them to keep you out on loan." Kate said with a sigh.
Cat raised an eyebrow at that, "Really? Just like that? The Navy didn't question or request anything... odd?"
Kate nodded, "Be prepared to ship out soon. They wouldn't tell me when they'll send you out."
Cat nodded, "Anything else you want to tell me, Laswell. Maybe anything about any specific person in Arizona?"
Kate sighed, "You know I'm not at liberty to say anything. Besides, everyone involved has been tight lipped about it. Doubt they'd tell me anything."
"That sucks. Sucks even more that I can't leave the base yet."
"Why can't you leave base?" Gaz asked the question everyone looked like they wanted to ask
Cat scoffed, "I'm on suicide watch. I can leave base tomorrow afternoon though."
Cat felt Ghost freeze, "Why-"
Cat cut him off with an eye roll, "It's protocol. I didn't do anything to actually warrant being put on watch."
Cat could see everyone visibly relax.
"Maybe start off with that. Just give us all heart attacks..." Soap complained.
Cat shrugged, "Thought it was commonplace. Guess not." Cat muttered.
The room felt awkward, tense, and no one spoke for several moments, it made Cat's skin crawl.
"How are you? You're normally... a bit... quippier and not as... sick looking?" Soap broke the silence, awkwardly asking one of the more popular questions Cat has been asked today.
"I'll live if that's what you want to know. Can't help what I look like." Cat's voice sounded sad even to herself, pathetic almost.
Cat slightly flinched away from the gentle hand on her shoulder, trying to pretend she didn't flinch, refusing to acknowledge it, ignoring whoever was touching her.
"Seriously, I'm fine. What else do you want, need, me to say to make you drop this?" Cat asked, not looking at anyone specifically.
Cat swallowed back the familiar burn of tears in her throat, the threat of crying in front of the members of 141 felt humiliating. How could she cry when they've suffered worse?
There was a soft sigh next to Cat, "You don't have to act tough, we all know you've been through it the past week..." Ghost's voice was soft, barely audible.
Cat shrugged, "Shit happens, if you want to survive, you can't let it bother you." A lie, something hissed in her. It's just not the whole truth, Cat mentally argued.
Everyone looked at her puzzled, well Cat had to guess what look Ghost gave her because of the mask.
"So you're not-?" Gaz tried to ask before he got cut off.
"If I am bothered by what happened, I'm not going to tell any of you. So why don't we just drop it." Cat started with a shrug, trying to forget the fact that she sobbed on Ghost for hours on the day it happened. God, Cat wished she could forget. But nothing has let her, she relives it in her sleep, so she's not sleeping anymore.
Cat could see varying degrees of hurt or upset at her comment on the other's faces, "I really don't understand why you all seem bothered by that. You were warned I could be a bitch."
Cat didn't want them to hate her, but it was safer for them if they did. Cat was bad luck, proof being that everything good in her life is ripped from her time and time again. So, she was going to try to make them hate her, for their safety.
"If this is done- I'm leaving. I'll see you whenever the Navy ships me out." Cat's throat was tight but she turned on her heel and left. Another piece of her died back in Las Almas. How much more could she lose before she's nothing?
Cat walked swiftly out of the main building, to the barracks where she didn't even want to go in. Some part of her, maybe it was the side she has tried so hard to ignore for years, wanted them to follow, but her hurt heart didn't want that. She felt conflicted, head ducked, blinking back tears as she went to the room she was assigned until she could leave for her home. Was it a home? Or was it just four walls and a roof? Cat lost her home back in Las Almas.
With a click of the lock engaging in the door, Cat sunk to the floor. Tears falling freely as shame, hurt, and the pain of failure flooded her. Everyone has only been nice to Cat, and here she is, trying to push them away. Trying to prove to them that she's this monster that she's let herself believe she is. If they hate her, they'll be safe, she tried to reason, not fully convinced. But what if they still get hurt because I care about them? Cat argued with herself, she gets attached to people so easily, always finding it hard to let go of them. Even if they don't know it, Cat cares. She's scared of it, scared she'll get hurt but when anyone treats her softly, with any form of kindness regardless of how she acts, Cat clings to it. Desperately wanting to savor the feeling, but Cat knew she didn't deserve it. Everything Cat has let go of has claw marks, she hurts people around her but she never wants to let them go. Cat has desperately tried to kill off that kid like hope that she could love and whoever she would love would be safe, but Las Almas was proof she couldn't love anyone. She'll just get them hurt or worse.
Cat felt ridiculous, she had to try to kill the feelings she started to develop for 141, for Ghost, which filled her with shame. They showed her some respect and treated her like a person and she let them in.
Cat's sobs racked her body, the pain spreading from her heart outwards. 141 deserves someone better than Cat to be on their team, Ghost deserves better than her. He deserves someone who isn't a monster, who isn't broken. The shame hit Cat like a train, who was she to say Ghost even loved her? He'd be stupid to. Anyone would be stupid to love her.
Cat eventually stopped sobbing, she ran out of tears, her chest felt numb. She didn't move from in front of the door, not for hours. This wasn't something she could just fix, it's not something she can hit with tools or change parts to fix. Cat couldn't help but question if she deserved to be fixed, to be helped. Cat could hear her phone going off, her alarm for the pt she can't attend. Cat leaned her head against the door and shut her eyes for just a moment. She had to pull herself together, at least for now. If everyone thinks she's a threat to herself she'll just get stuck here longer or worse, get chaptered. Neither were things she wanted, so she forced herself to stand and change. Wincing through her stiff movements, the stitches in her leg, on her ribs, her hand and wrists, and her face were throbbing. Having cried for hours, having not slept in days, hell she couldn't remember the last time she ate, it wasn't shocking everything hurt so much worse. But she couldn't sleep. The sounds of their screams haunted her. Followed her everywhere. Cat was exhausted, her body was demanding rest but her mind couldn't, wouldn't, let her. Cat avoided the mirror in the room, knowing to see the sickly bruises that covered the majority of her body, the fresh wounds, and the old scars made her feel physically ill. But it's the price she paid, is paying, for existing, for surviving against all odds. Cat was a coward and she had to live with that.