LOVER |c.t.h|

TEN|CALUM|

WARNING! This chapter includes the following:
-talk of self-harm
-descriptions of self-harm
-talk of toxic relationships
If any of this is a trigger to you, please either read with caution or do not read, I will be happy to message you a brief summary of this chapter so the next one will make sense! I love you and I need you to take care of yourself!

I want to say that this book is based off my life, I am simply projecting things that have happened to me into a fake character, this is a way for me to cope/share my story in a comfortable way. This chapter is VERY near and dear to me. I love you all!
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EMERY POV:

When I was younger and my mother and father would fight, I would blame him. I would tell myself that he was a monster and that he didn't deserve my mother's love and affection. I told myself that I would never marry a man like my father.

When I grew up however, I learned that my mother was a monster in disguise, she was an instigator. She started things just so my father would finish them and look like the bad guy. My mother was the one who didn't deserve my father's love and it pained me to think that I had always blamed him.

Then again, maybe they had both been at fault here.

"You take his side every fucking time!" My father's screams were loud, echoing through our home.

This time, they were arguing about my eldest brother, Tyler. Tyler had been living with us for quite some time now. He lived here rent free, with no responsibilities. He would start arguments with my father, call my mother names, and yet, he was still her golden child, the first born.

"You are such an asshole!" She screams back. "We're done!"

"Fine, there's the fucking door!" The screams were something I was used to.

I used to cry but at this point, their fights became so routine that it hadn't bothered me anymore. I knew they weren't really done. They were just angry and by the next day, everything would be fine. Even if it wasn't really fine.

I often wondered if they stayed together out of pure comfort, out of sympathy for me. I wondered if they really even loved each other anymore or if the fights were somehow now comforting, in a way that the feeling of self-harm can be. It hurt like hell but the rush you got after was sort of euphoric, or it was for me at least.

I had been sitting out on the porch for a good 2 hours now. Unlike my nightmares about my ex where I could eventually fall back asleep, the ones about my parents had me up for the rest of the night. I could never get back to bed afterwards. I was always so scared to end up how they had, angry and upset all the time. I was worried that me and my future husband would be that way.

I blame my family for the way I turned out. Depressed and lonely with major fucking anxiety. I grew up in a very close-knit family on my mum's side, a big one at that. I have over 60 direct cousins and then about 100 more indirect ones just on my mum's side. Having big family gatherings is what I think caused my anxiety, I mean having over 100 people in one room at once can be terrifying. I was always the one who was left out and behind. I'm not the youngest but boy did they make me feel like I was.

I blow out the cigarette smoke from my lungs, something I've been doing more so than not. I almost completely ditched my vape and was strictly using cigarettes. It was something I had picked up from my mother. She's been smoking since before I was even born.

I kept replaying the nightmare in my mind along with leaving Calum alone in the shop today. The girls and I were leaving early tomorrow, and I wished that I had texted him, told him I was sorry for just leaving so abruptly. Part of me wanted to open up to him. I knew that if he had come here right now, I would. I would tell him anything he wanted to know. I would tell him about my parents and about my bodily harm. Because even though he freaked me out, I still felt safe around him. I never felt like he would judge me or harm me in any way.