My Story

Have I done enough?

People are remembered throughout history for the craziest things. Most of the time, it's people who are the first to accomplish something great, or made significant improvements, or set new records, soared to new heights...

People remember doctors and teachers, pastors and parents, presidents and first responders.

But who's going to remember a cashier? Who's going to remember a nobody from nowhere who hasn't even been to college? I've made little ripples, here and there, tiny drops and drips that make the tiniest *plop* before they are swallowed whole. I've been a kind hug on a rough day, a giggle in a bad week, I've given respect when respect was long past due.

But what have I really ever done that actually made an impact? What have I achieved that no one else has done before me? What lasting change have I made? I've helped people in the midst of panic attacks, but that doesn't take away the anxiety at the source, it only makes that one day, that hour a bit better.

Even with my name plastered on my chest for the last 12 years, there are still people who don't know my name. There are people who are attending my church for years, even serving in the same ministry as me, that they've never seen my face. I have nephews and a niece that barely even interacted with me half their lifetime ago.

I want to know that before I leave this earth, that I made a difference. That my story won't end just because my heartbeat did. That the memory of my life won't die when those who know me have passed. I know that life is just a vapor, a breath, a passing blink and glimpse and gone in the span of eternity...

But I want it to count, to matter, to be worth something, not be wasted.

But the worst of it is when I have these thoughts, of knowing I'll die some day, wishing to be remembered past that day, I don't feel like I can bother anyone else with those thoughts... I have people that I talk to, more than just memes and reels and jokes, but actual face-to-face conversation level relationship with these wonderful people... And I don't feel like I can say a word. Like I have friends who haven't reached out in a while, so I don't wanna only go to them with my problems. I have friends that I've known for years where I feel like their battles are fiercer than mine could ever be, and I don't want to put more on their plate. I have brand new friends, people who are just getting to know me, and I don't wanna scare them off with too much drama too soon. I have family, across country and in my own home, but they either don't listen or they overreact to everything.

I feel like I can't even ask what they would do if they felt like so much failed shit that they just want to be held, but don't feel like anyone would hold them that actually cared, or those who .do. care are miles and states and countries away... It doesn't really matter though, I guess. I'll get up tomorrow morning, bright and early, pretend like everything is normal and okay, work all day long, come home too exhausted to think, just to do it all again the next day...