My Story

If I Don't Make It...

There is a threat for this weekend, including my 31st birthday, no less. A threat of violence and of death in my town, maybe even at my job.

And while my job warns us of this, and prepares us for this, and trains us to avoid, deny, defend, and listen to police when they arrive....

No amount of training prepares you for death looking you in the eye, or the sounds of others dying as you run on by.

I've already asked myself:
Why would I run?
Why would I hide?
Why would I fight?
Why would I try to live one more day?

I have my answers to those questions, but one more popped in my head...
What would I be leaving behind if I didn't come back home?

A family heartbroken, devastated friends, sorrowful church families, considerate and careless customers and coworkers.

But what legacy would I be leaving behind? What difference have I made?

I can't say I'm a good friend, mostly because I'm rubbish at communicating.

I can't say I'm a good wife or mother, because I'm neither of those things to anyone.

I can't even say I'm a good girlfriend...

I hope I can say I left behind a legacy of selflessness, kindness, courage, joy, and whatever the opposite of being racist is...

I can't claim to be perfect, not in punctuality, or cleaning, or brilliance, or beauty.

But I hope, that 100 years from now, someone can look back at me and say, she made a difference to someone.

If my family reads this, I love you all dearly and I didn't want to go.

To my church family, someone else will have to help Mrs. Georgia clean the nursery rooms during the week. Give the kids a hug from me.

To my customers and coworkers, I hope I was kind and brave. I hope I don't go out scared and crying, but getting y'all out safely.

To anyone else who might read this, I'm writing this just after midnight on August 8, 2019. I'll probably just delete this chapter on August 12th if I make it through, since the threat is only to stores like mine in my area over this weekend.

May God keep us all safe.
And, if it's my time, then God gather me in your arms and get the tissues ready, because you promised to wipe every tear from our eyes and I already know I'm gonna cry a few...

Edit: After talking with police that gave been guarding my store, they will remain in place until the end of this week. There was a scare at a local mall this past weekend, so they're staying vigilant...as am I.