My Story

hollow

Because the silence in my ears is a deafening ringing
Because I am hot enough to crave ice cream, tired enough to want to stay in bed, and so wide awake that I know sleep will pass me by as a fleeting moment as the sun begins to rise
Because I gave all I am, because it's what I've been told to give, but I hate feeling empty, gutless, scooped out, flipped over, and hung out to dry
Because the only thing strong enough to push the dark away is it's 2am, it's Dad's birthday today, I need to make it to morning to sing him happy birthday and dish him up some banana pudding and try not to feel inadequate because I am the only sibling with stable finances and I didn't buy him everything, or even near enough
I need to make it through, at least til tomorrow, because he can't remember his birthday as synonymous with when I tried to embrace the dark, because maybe it's kinder than the light
But I'm trying
I'm typing it out, and messaging a friend...I hope it's not too much of a bother
I'm not gonna tell her...but 2am messages are like that... you're either hiding the truth in the dark, or you're holding on to the flickering, guttering flame of hope and praying that it doesn't burn out...
Maybe if I curl up close enough, and wrap up tight enough, maybe the dark will go away...pick a day when I'm strong enough to fight it to the ground.

Update...At least I made it to today...cuz after Dad's birthday was a baby shower for a friend that I had said I would be there. And other people got to hear the story of how I met them, and I got to bless them with things they really needed. And then today, our whole family got together to celebrate Dad's birthday after church, and at church, one of the ladies who is always too busy for hugs and doesn't like giving or receiving hugs gave me a big ol bear hug of a squeeze...like she could see, even though I didn't say a thing... still haven't, cuz she has way too much going on anyways, so why add to her burdens, especially since she doesn't know me like that anymore....