Liar

26

I'd had this song on repeat for the past 3 days. You know when you hear a song for the first time and just relate to it on such a personal level that you crumble to shreds instantly? It's a good job I was alone on Saturday night when I heard it. It had taken me a while to get up off the floor, listening to the creaks in the floorboard until I knew Ash had gone to bed for the night.

I just felt awkward more than anything. The questions he was asking were exceptionally personal. I could understand why he was asking that kind of thing when I'm freaking out about being complimented and it wasn't exactly out of place, they didn't come from nowhere, I could see how his brain had gotten there. But that didn't mean it wasn't crazy to ask someone you'd known just over 2 months.

I hadn't really thought about my relationship with my parents in too much detail up until Saturday night. I knew it was a little bizarre. We were more like friends than family at some points and it could be very hit and miss. We were either close friends or they were my boss. There wasn't an in between. Even as a kid. It had always been the same. I'd been doing work for my dad, on family finances since I could count. I'd known the ins and outs of the stock market before I even started puberty. I don't really recall having a summer where I wasn't working with dad, even when I was travelling Europe with Emmett and Leon a few years back, I still had emails from dad asking me to sort something for him.

I'd realised this week that dad saw us as built in business partners. Born into this life and it was just kind of expected that this is where we'd go. There was never conversations about what we wanted to do, there wasn't other opportunities. When I mentioned enjoying art at 11, I remember being laughed at and reminded art won't get me far in the finance world unless I'm buying it as an investment. I'm not saying it's ever something I'd have wanted to pursue.

So, I'd skipped out on the afternoon at work. I didn't have any meetings booked in and I just wanted some space in my own place. I wanted to do something I enjoyed without it being for making money for once. Just one afternoon where I didn't have to think about anything other than if I was enjoying it. I'd paced the house for an hour, moving things around until I was happy with their placements. I'd opened windows to get the smell of paint out from the past few days that the decorators I'd been getting in the way of.

It felt weird being here alone for the first time properly. Since the hospital, no one had dared to leave me alone. Ash had been staying here, I was meeting Emmett immediately off the tube and walking into work with him, the same on the way home yesterday. Sunday we had the decorators in and I was slouched on the sofa editing and working quietly, barely speaking a word to Ash when he tried to talk about something. I wasn't mad or anything, I just needed some peace and this week I'd not been able to get a second of it.

I had this afternoon though. I don't know how I was supposed to feel when I wasn't working. Or in general. I just felt this constant frequency. Like I was numb but there was static running through me so I know I wasn't dead. And it was indeed constant. Even laughing with Asher. It was less noticeable then. Barely there. But looking back on it, it's always just there. Clouding everything like it's some kind of dream where you don't feel everything's full effect.

I didn't know not feeling things could be so exhausting. It used to be a lifeline but now it just felt pathetic.

I exhaled again, song replaying through my headphones as I started playing along on the piano again. I don't know how many times I'd played it but it was making me feel melancholic and I guess I was finding some kind of solace in that. I squinted my eyes when the keys sounded a little off, wooden eve. The croak of someone clearing their throat reminding me I wasn't alone in the world, or in the house either apparently. I turned my head quickly, fingers falling still.

"You're back early."

"Emmett called to ask if I'd seen you because you vanished from your office." Ash leaned against the door frame, hoodie and denim jacket that I now felt I was a little too accustomed to seeing around my house.

"I didn't have anything else for the day so came home."

"When?"

"Well, what time is it now?" He walked into the room, resting his elbows on the top of the piano and stealing one of my earphones

"Half 4." Jesus.

"A few hours."

"Tori. Why didn't you call? I'd have come back. What if-"

"Can we just go one afternoon where people aren't constantly worried I'm going to collapse? It was a panic attack. I'm fine. It's happened before. I've been fine before. I don't understand why everyone is making such a huge deal out of me just forgetting to breath for a few seconds. It's not even that serious." My fingers fumbled the keys and I closed my eyes, breathing slowly to calm myself down. He sat down beside me, not asking me to move up. I did anyway, giving him space to sit beside me comfortably as I tried again, waiting for the song in our ears to restart.

"You're feelings are valid Tori." My fingers hit the keys a little harder as he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling until I was sat on his lap. "You're not broken or messed up or fucked in the head. I know you're going through a lot right now and you're really trying to sort your head out but I'm not going anywhere. No judgement, no expectations, no questions. Nothing. If you need someone to just sit here and listen to you play the same Taylor Swift song on the piano for 3 days straight I will. You want me to sit in the other room whilst you cry? You got it. You want me to hold you? No problem. But I'm not leaving."

"It's my house."

"Do you want me to leave?" I shook my head. I didn't. Even if we were just sitting in silence, I liked having Asher around. The way that static faded a little around him and even more when he was touching me in any context was soothing. I wanted him here even if it was just until I sorted my head out and got myself back on the right path. "Then I'm not leaving until you tell me you don't want me here. I told you we move at your pace Tori. I want to see you happy and healthy Tor. I know she's in there somewhere under all this mess and trauma and fucked up relationships with parents and siblings and whatever else. But I think you should see someone about it. Like a therapist or something." I sighed, resting my head back on his shoulders. "It's not normal baby and I think it could be all of this that's making you have the panic attacks and I really really don't want to be that scared that I'm losing you again. Ever."

"I know."

"You do?" I nodded.

"I've been looking into it since Sunday." He placed soft kisses on the back of my neck.

"I'm guessing you don't want anyone else to know?" I nodded quickly. "Okay, we can work out how to get you off the radar for appointments without worrying people."