Pretentiously Simple | Kleo ✔️

09 | sitting on the dock of the bay

advanced notice: leo may or may not be present in the next few chapters. except for flashbacks, he will not make an appearance until later.

ps — i'm sorry if this chapter sucks. i had so much writer's block with this one, and it took twice as long to think of what to write next. also, i got my apush score back, found out i got a three, then basically cried the rest of the day. i will edit this if i feel the need to.

—

he's gone.

yesterday morning we were fine. we were better than fine. today he's been gone since yesterday afternoon with no trace of him ever even existing.

alright, maybe it was better this way. after all, wasn't it what i asked for? wasn't it the right thing to do?

but if it was the right thing to do, why did it hurt so much? and why am i hurting more than i've ever hurt before?

mia slept in my bed last night. she usually sleeps soundly and doesn't make much movement, but it was different this time. my baby couldn't stop crying and moving about, i could hardly shut my eyes. i had an interview and a red carpet for 'the reader' the next day, and i had to get just a little bit of shut eye in before the sun rises. on that particular day, though, it was as a matter of fact impossible. and i was absolutely pissed by it.

"come on, settle down, darling." i attempted, lifting mia up from the bed and propping her to my chest. i was exhausted and upset. i was the one who told leo he had to leave even though i was also the one who wanted him to stay. but he left, and it was over.

the wails and the tears seemed to have no end. i grabbed mia's bottle from the nightstand and tried to put it in her mouth, to no avail. i set the bottle down in despair, heaving a sigh and rubbing my palm aggressively against my tired eyes.

"mia, what's the matter, sweet girl?" i pat her, rocking her back and forth, to and fro, side to side. nothing seemed to relieve her cries. and nothing seemed to calm my anxiety.

i checked to make sure she didn't need a nappy change; all the energy used up became a waste after peeling her nappy that looked as good and as fresh as new. i closed it back up and sat down for a while, just with my hand to my forehead and my mind trying to cancel out the noise that had been going on for long enough.

i hummed lullaby songs to her, opened the windows, walked her around the house, climbed up and down the steps, nothing seemed to work. after a while of trying, i fell backward onto my bed, my head aching and my body shaken. if sam were here nothing would've changed. if leo were here he'd help me out with things i couldn't possibly begin to name.

shaking the thoughts out my head, i tried her bottle once again, but her head only moved away from it. i resorted to hurrying downstairs and going out the door. i unlocked my rental car after locking my rental house, put mia in her infant safety seat, turned the music up to cancel out some wailing, then drove away in the mid night.

i exhaled deeply, unsure of where to go or what to do. i drove further into the road, the red, yellow, and green of the traffic lights intermingling with the dark night and the starless sky. i didn't bat an eye at the time that read three in the morning. i didn't shed a tear for little mia who refused to stop crying, despite the fact that there wasn't anything to cry about.

turning up the volume of the music even more, i heard the tune to a song that only came on the radio every so often, so rarely so that the rhythm felt slower, the singer's voice deeper, the energy melancholic. i listened as otis redding sang his world renowned "(sitting on) the dock of the bay" for what felt like the last time ever. my heartbeat multiplied, my breaths shaky. my body felt cold yet i was perspiring through my pajamas. the song outstretched itself, like it wanted me to suffer, like it knew it was leo's song.