Pretentiously Simple | Kleo ✔️

01 | friends and nothing more

i'm not going to lie and say that i don't love him.

i do.

but i don't know if he loves me back.

he's got a girlfriend, for goodness' sake. he's not even interested. and i'm not even his type. i was married twice, and i have a child. he doesn't want to settle down with me. i've gone through more of life than he has.

anyway, i'm just not what he's looking for.

"i can't possibly have been making all this up in my head, mia, have i?" i spoke to my daughter in a childish voice. i held her in my arms, feeding her a bottle of my milk from the fridge. my poor darling just wanted to go to sleep, but i had to tell someone how i was feeling, and mia was the only one i had. it was me and her against the world.

"he had to have felt something while filming. i did. i certainly did. my God." all of this was said upstairs in me and mia's bedroom. i kept her cot in my room even though my house is big enough for her to have a room all to herself. the truth was, i can't trust her being alone for even a second. my eyes are on her every hour of every day.

i was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at mia in the eyes. she wasn't looking at me. her eyes were almost closing.

leo and i filmed a movie not even a month ago with my ex-husband sam, who i split with during filming. but that was besides the point. i could've sworn something happened between leo and i. i could've sworn he felt the same thing i was feeling.

the movie premieres in a few weeks, and i have to go to the united states all over again for a few red carpet events and a press conference as well. of course, leo will be there. he was the only thing i thought of between now and the beginning of shooting.

i looked back over to mia. she was fast asleep now. her mouth was no longer latched to the bottle she was drinking from, and her big baby eyes were finally closed. i sighed, lifting her up to my lips so i could kiss her forehead gently.

if i didn't have her, i would have no one else left.

standing up from the side of the bed, i walked over to her cot, rocking my arms side to side along the way. i set her down in her cot and stroked her soft hair.

since the film has ended, and i no longer have any more projects, i was constantly bored and in need of something to do. it felt like this last year my life was busy beyond belief. not only was i filming 'revolutionary road,' but i was also in the 'the reader,' two films that required a massive amount of dialogue for me to memorize.

he would come visit me on set for that film. it made me really happy. he'd tell me that he wanted to see me, and the only thing i'd do after that was just be by his side. i wouldn't memorize any more lines, i wouldn't read the script further.

he would watch me act as well. sometimes i would look his direction and see him smile at me sweetly. it took all that i had to try and avoid eye contact with him. outside i was professional and in my craft. inside i was melting and trying my hardest not to give in.

people are often jealous of me because i get to work with that man. people call me crazy because i haven't fallen in love with him just like half of america has.

but they have it so wrong and so so backward.

the truth is i do love him.

but what's crazy is that i don't want to.

—OCTOBER 2007—
...

"cut!" the camera man yelled from in front of the camera. leo was right there next to him with my baby daughter mia in one arm. he clapped his hands quickly and i laughed, walking over to him to give him a hug.