Existential

Chapter 10

Monday morning I wake up in my own bed. I groan as I stretch my limbs out and slowly crawl out of the covers. My feet hit the floor and I drag myself to the closet. I open the door and pull out black shorts, a Black Flag t-shirt, and Tyler's hoodie. I still have yet to officially give it back to him. I put on the clothes and walk into my bathroom. I send a quick text asking Josh to take the bus this morning rather than driving himself.
I apply foundation and some eyeliner before deciding that's good enough for today. I've been too emotional to be able to do anything too special. I still have the gauze Tyler wrapped around my torso and wrist since the bruises haven't healed yet. I got a few scrapes on my legs but they're nearly healed thankfully. The only way to get out for school is through my window since my parents are here.
The city bus gets here at 7 am and I usually meet Josh at the stop. How am I supposed to explain my flirty friendliness with Tyler to Josh?
I sigh and run a hand through my unkempt hair and decide to put a beanie over the mess. The black fabric covers some of the turquoise and I pull on my vans.
I take the excursion out of my window to get to the sidewalk. The wind whips against my face and gets my hair tangled in my eye lashes. I brush it out of my face and pull my phone out of my back pocket. I send a text to Josh telling him I'm on my way and put my phone back.
I pass Tyler's house and can see the silhouettes of his family in the window. He doesn't need to take the bus in the morning since his Mom is home to drive him. A smile tugs slightly at my lips as I slow down my walk. I eventually come to a stop on the gray cement. Maybe I could just stop by and say hello? I do have another 15 minutes before the bus gets here. But would I be impeding on their family time? I can just see Tyler at school. We have most of our classes together anyways. I sigh and turn away from the house and begin walking again.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just infiltrating on their family. I come over a lot, mainly since my parents are here. Normally I'd go to Josh's house but Tyler lives a lot closer to me. Josh is amazing but with his anxiety he can't have me around 24/7. He kind of has introverted tendencies but it's more like if I'm around for too long he starts getting jittery and if he overthinks it too much he can start having a panic attack. That's why I try my best to give him space and not force him to stay with me a lot. It's usually just at school and a few times every week we could hang out at his house.
So far I'm pretty sure Tyler doesn't have social anxiety but I know something is wrong. He hasn't opened up about it though other than that one time at the mall. I wonder when that may happen. I hope it'll be sometime soon, he's helped me a lot and I want to do the same for him.
I finally get to the city bus stop and sit down on the blue metal bench. Josh hasn't gotten here yet but here soon. I could see his blue hair down the street. I look around and Josh is almost here so I wave at him. He smiles and waves back and the bus is now also coming down the road. I stand as Josh gets to the stop and he wraps me in a hug.
"Hey Alice how was your weekend?" He asks after pulling away.
"I'll explain on the bus," I tell him and our transport slowly stops and opens the doors. I adjust my bag on my shoulder and I get onto the bus. Josh follows behind me and we get into our usual seat. The bus is empty other than a few adults and a child with their mom.
I explain everything from what happened after I was in the park all the way up to last night. Josh seemed happy for me but somewhat conflicted.
"But uh, how about when you hated Tyler?" Josh questions me and rubs the back of his neck.
"I was wrong. I uh never should've thought badly of him. He never deserved what I did and he still doesn't know I was the one who had his lyrics burned," I whisper and Josh nods.
"Well at least you realized your mistake. Hopefully you can break it off with Pine," Josh replies and I nod. Pine needs to understand I don't want to be with him anymore. I hope he doesn't do anything too badly.
**Lunch Time**
"Pine we need to talk," I tell him and tug him by his shirt sleeve around the cafeteria. We pass Tyler and he nods at me before returning to his friends. I continue speed walking until we get outside. There's only a few kids out here and chances are that they're stoned.
"What do you want?" He asks and steps away from me once I let go of his shirt.
"I want to break up," I announce and his face contorts into anger. He roughly grabs onto my upper arm and pulls me closer to him. Our faces are mere inches apart and he begins to yell. A lot. Like how he did over the phone the other day. A bunch of mumbo jumbo about how he's the best I can do and that I don't deserve him anyways. I sigh as I wait for it to be over and probably after 5 minutes he finally releases me.
I wipe some spit off my face and muster my best glare to look at him with.
"It's over," I spit and turn to walk back into the cafeteria.
"It's okay I was cheating on you anyways," Pine says and I can practically hear the smirk he has on his face. I turn back and stomp over to him.
"You're an asshole. You don't deserve anything other than pain Pine." I threaten before slapping him in the face. There's silence afterwards as he slowly turns back. I can tell he's about to hit me back since his fists are clenched. I hurriedly raise my foot and kick him where it hurts and rush back inside. The last thing I hear of him is his groan.
**
~2 weeks later~
I sit in my room waiting for Tyler to come crawling through my window. My parents are still home and they caught me sneaking out last time so now I'm 'on house arrest.' Thankfully today is the last day since they are off to the airport tonight. I absent mindedly rub on my purple bruises lining my arms and hear tapping at my window a few moments later. I jump off my bed and my legs ache as I hurry to the window. I pop it open and step out of the way and Tyler swings his legs over. He pulls himself into my room and closes the window.
"Hey Alice," he whispers and pulls me into his chest. I wrap my arms around his waist and Tyler runs his hands through my hair. That's a habit he has recently developed. We pull away from each other and Tyler delicately runs his fingers over the bruises on my arms. "I wish these never happened."
"Me either Tyler." I reply and turn away from him to go sit on my bed. I walk across the hardwood and sit down on the cushioned mattress and pat the spot next to me, inviting Tyler to sit beside me. He's kind of weird like this, if he is at my house he waits for permission to do practically anything. He walks across the room and sits beside me, the mattress moving under his weight. Tyler grabs onto my hand and interlocks our fingers. The warmth from his hand seems to spread from my fingertips and travels up my arm. It seems I'm always cold now unless Tyler is near me, strange. Ty begins humming the notes to some unfamiliar song and I lean my head onto his shoulder.
"Your room is very cute," Tyler comments. I stare at the dark walls and collections of posters tacked onto them. I shrug, my right shoulder rubbing onto Tyler's arm.
"I guess. Just a lot of posters," I reply and analyze the scattering of Blink-182 lyrics across my wall. One of my favorite songs by them is so typical but it's practically perfect, I Miss You. I study the bolded text of 'We can live like Jack and Sally.' I'm not sure what it is about that line that I love so much but it just...affects me somehow. Maybe it's the hope to have a perfect relationship while the both of us are messed up. I just am not sure who 'us' is yet. Possibly it's Tyler or someone I haven't even met yet. Either way, I just hope I can have a similar relationship to that.
"I really like that song, I Miss You. It calmed me down a lot in the past. I think it's the backing vocals or maybe the piano. I just really find it relaxing," Tyler mumbles. I smile in response and squeeze his hand. We sit in silence for a few minutes and I place one of my legs over his lap so it rests between his legs.
"I never thought I could really feel this comfortable with someone," I mumble and half hope Tyler didn't hear me.
"What do you mean?" He questions me and I internally groan.
"I never really trust people. Josh is probably the only other person I could sit in comfortable silence with. You're different though. I haven't talked to you for practically forever like with Josh, it's only been about a month I've really talked to you as a friend. Yet here I am as close, if not closer, with you as I am with Josh. It's just...weird for me I guess." I attempt explaining and Tyler nods along.
"Well I'm glad you trust me," Tyler whispers and I avert my gaze from his. Tyler begins humming the tune to Pretty Little Girl by Blink-182 and I softly sing along to the song.
"What a crazy world, pretty little girl," we softly sing together. I let Tyler quietly sing the next verse alone, especially since it's a bit too fast for me. We near the end of the song and Tyler and I quietly harmonize right before the part with Yelawolf rapping. "You said if you break my heart then I will change your mind and I will do it again. If we miss the mark if we hold on tight." I turn and my eyes meet Tyler's, smiling as we sing the last few words. "And I will do it again." I let my eyes droop closed and keep a lazy smile on my face. I take my hand out of Tyler's and only open my eyes to wrap my arms around Tyler's neck. My eyes close again and I feel Ty's shaking hands place themselves on my back.// hey one of my few authors notes. Basically I made my mom mad when I woke up late this morning and I was writing you guys the next few chapters. I sacrifice so much. Anyways I hope you liked it and stick around for the next ones. "tons of waves and hugs"

Stay alive
-Kirsty