Existential

Chapter 11

We jump apart when a loud knocking echoes through my room. I stare at the white door before hurriedly pulling both me and Tyler off my bed. I direct him to my bathroom and point at one of the large cupboards. I don't close the bathroom door until I see Tyler stuff himself into the considerably tall cabinet.
All of this happens in just a few seconds and I unlock my bedroom door. My father and mother stand in the doorway holding their suitcases for another month long trip.
"We left you cash on the island and transferred one thousand to your bank account for the month. Not like you deserve it but we'd probably get in trouble with the government if we left you to starve," my father sneers and I simply nod. My mother taps her stiletto clad foot impatiently against the hardwood and I wish she would stop. That little click is so annoying.
"Don't do anything stupid while we're gone. If we find out you left the house other than for school you know what your dad will do," my mother threatens and I nod my head once again. I don't want them to hear my voice shake. I don't want them to think they can have power over me. Eventually after a long and hard staring contest with my father my parents turn and walk away. I don't close the door until I hear their suitcases finally hit the final step of the stairs.
"Tyler you can come out now," I whisper after opening the bathroom door. He stumbles out of the wooden cabinet and rubs his eyes. Once he sees me he rushes forward to grab my arms and inspect for new bruising. "I'm fine," I protest and he reluctantly drops my arms.
"I just want to know when you're hurt," he mumbles and I hold onto his hands in my tiny ones.
"I'm alright Tyler. I promise," I tell him, confidently, while looking into his dark eyes. He nods slowly and starts to gently swing our arms in front of us.
"Let's go to my house, mom is making vegetarian pasta just for you," Tyler mentions which brightens my mood.
"Your mom's pasta is amazing," Tyler chuckles softly and let's go of one of my hands to lead me out of my room.
I can't help but let my mind wander as we walk outside to what would have happened before my parents knocked on the door. I would have felt his lips on mine and his shaking hands on the small of my back. My fingers tangled in the short hairs at his neck as our lips molded together perfectly, our cheeks both burning as we desperately claw to bring each other closer together. If only it happened.
"Are you okay Alice?" Tyler asks me suddenly and halts us as we stand a house away from our destination.
"Were we going to kiss Tyler?" I ask bluntly. There's no point in fluff, we can do foreplay later. I look up and meet his brown eyes and his cheeks turn pink.
"What if I say yes?" He asks and hesitantly bites his lip. I step so I'm in front of him and I place Tyler's hands on my back. I wrap my arms around his neck and Tyler's eyes seem like they grew a shade darker.
"Then I would be very happy," I reply and mess with the very short hair at the base of his neck. Tyler leans his forehead to mine and our lips are mere centimeters apart. I can feel his breath on my cheeks and my eyes droop closed like earlier. I wait mere moments before I feel Tyler softly place his lips on mine.
A shiver rolls down my spine right when his lips touch mine and I press myself against his chest. Tyler's lips move with mine and his hands drag up my back to between my shoulders. I bite his bottom lip and he groans lightly. I pull away and Tyler attempts to follow me so I purposefully tuck my chin in so he can't.
"Why do you tease me like this,"he complains and keeps his forehead resting on mine.
"Dude how are you complaining? I just practically made out with you as our first kiss on a sidewalk," I giggle and Tyler's cheeks turn a darker shade.
"Because you're fricking irresistible," Tyler mumbles and stares at my lips.
"Oh calm down Prince Charming," I laugh and unwrap my arms from his neck. Tyler reluctantly drops his hands to his side and I grab his left hand. Our fingers intertwine and his calloused fingertips brush against the top of my hand. We walk the short distance to his house and I'm still blushing as we walk inside.
I can hear the clank of spatulas against pans as Momma Joseph makes pasta. The TV is on some random show and Tyler's sister Madison sits in the kitchen at the island on her phone. I wave at her and she quickly waves back before returning to her phone. I guess she got the same habit as Zack. Tyler guides us into the living room where his father is along with Zack.
We sit on one of the couches and our sides are pressed together due to the lack of room. Tyler messes with my fingers and I can't help but stare at the purplish bruises sticking out from under the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Well technically it's Tyler's but that doesn't matter. I wish I could get away from my parents but that's not happening until I get an apartment and a job. Maybe I could move in with Josh, he's getting a lot of money from his job at Guitar Center. He's saving up and it's not like he hasn't offered before for me to move in with him.
"Time for dinner!" Kelly calls out and all the thoughts of after high school disappear. The family congregates to the kitchen stools and I sit at the end as usual. They pray, without me, and the scraping of forks on plates begins to sound. As I eat Tyler suddenly puts a hand on my knee. I jerk my head up and look at Tyler. He looks up from his plate and smirks at me before he begins to rub his thumb in a circle on my knee.
Tyler's touch always seems to hold a spark. It doesn't matter how long we could be sitting near one another or cuddling, there's still a spark. Maybe it's the butterflies or the blood rising in my cheeks maybe it's the way he yearns for my touch as well.
I finish eating my pasta while it seems heat radiates from Tyler's hand. I smile as I push my plate away from me and wait for Tyler to finish. Eventually he does just that and we go to his room.
"I should just leave a bunch of clothes here. I feel bad for stealing all of yours," I tell him after I had changed into gym shorts and a baggy shirt.
"You look cute in my clothes though," Tyler mumbles as he rubs his hands up and down my arm. My cheeks warm and I avert my gaze to the floor. I shrug and Tyler wraps his arms around my waist. I look up to him and place my arms around his neck. He smiles and looks at me expectantly.
"If you want to kiss me you can," I laugh and Tyler nods. He brushes his lips against mine before forcefully placing his lips on mine. I press my body against his and he moans as I bite his bottom lip. His hands travel down to the small of my back and I play with the tiny hairs at the nape of his neck. Then a knock on the door makes us jump apart. Why does this always happen?
"C-come in," Tyler stutters and glances at me awkwardly as we stand 3 feet apart. I mess with the chipped nail polish as Zack walks into the room. He closes the door behind him and looks expectantly between Tyler and I.
"How you guys doing?" Zack asks and Tyler shrugs.
"Great. I was about to drag Tyler into bed so I can sleep," I explain and look over to Tyler. He smiles and looks down at the ground.
"Okay well I'll let you guys get to that then. Good night," Zack concluded and Tyler mumbles good night before Zack leaves the room. Once the door closes I lean into Ty and he wraps an arm around me. I lazily kiss his neck before we both cuddle up underneath the blankets. The light was still on but I didn't mind because I could still see Tyler.
His arm is wrapped around my waist and I have my head resting on his chest. I mess with his hair with one of my hands and the other I have lying on the soft fabric draped over his chest. He absentmindedly messes with my fingers on his chest as we both stare at the ceiling.
"Do you ever think about dying Tyler?" I suddenly ask. Maybe it's how late it is or the fact that the question is just fascinating that I asked it.
"I think about it too much," he mumbles. Tyler gently intertwined our fingers on his chest and our hands rise and fall with his breathing.
"Me too," I reply and his breathing increases.
"Have you ever hurt yourself Alice?" Tyler asks. "I don't mean to get too personal but I think we trust each other enough."
"Yeah I have. Not my proudest moments."
"Me too."
Have you ever tried to...you know," I trail off and I slightly fear his answer. I can't really imagine seeing Tyler in such immense pain he tries to do that.
"I stood on the edge of a bridge a little while ago. I just didn't have the will to actually jump," Tyler mumbles.
"We're kind of fucked up aren't we?" I ask and slightly chuckle. My only real way to cope with this is to laugh it off. I always find myself laughing in serious conversations.
"I suppose so." Tyler mumbles and kisses the top of my head. We sit there for a while just thinking and I draw random patterns on Tyler's chest with my finger. The side of his mouth randomly twitches up into a smile but seems to fade quickly.
"You didn't answer the question," Tyler suddenly whispers. I shrug and try my best to play it off. Those stories are too dark to share for now.
"Maybe later," I reply and let my eyes drift closed.
"Why not now?" He asks and I snap my eyes open. I exhale deeply and slowly sit up. He looks up at me while he remains laying down and I let my eyes travel to the ceiling.
"Do you really want to hear about me trying to kill myself Tyler?" I ask, a harsh edge somehow reading in my voice.
"Y-yeah I do. I want to know," he stutters and I breathe in deeply and let my eyes drift closed. Memories flash behind my eyelids and I cross my arms over my chest. The bruises lining my wrist slightly sting from the movement but now my upper thigh tingles and the area around my neck.
"I sliced up my upper thigh trying to hit the artery two years ago. I downed a couple pills with vodka but all they did was make me sleepy. I slept for 2 days, that was a little over a year ago. Attempted hanging 6 months ago," I progressively get quieter and I'm not sure Tyler even heard the last part. I kind of hope he hadn't. I keep my eyes fixed on the ceiling and the tingling previously has subsided. My mind goes blank other than the thoughts of Tyler and how he would think of me.
"You're very strong," Tyler mumbles and places his hand on the small of my back.
"For trying to kill myself? I wouldn't call that being strong," I scoff and turn to look down at Tyler. The coldness I feel reminds me of one of the days in our class where I turned to Tyler to make him look away.
"What-do you enjoy me making fun of your God?" I ask him and roll my head to look him in the eyes. Once my gaze lands on him he immediately looks away and I smirk.
Tyler keeps his gaze on my eyes and his jaw flexes.
"You're strong because you haven't tried in 6 months." He sits up and brings one hand up. His fingers hover over my neck. "You're strong for not attempting to hang yourself for so long." His hand travels down to rest on my thigh. "You're strong for having the capacity to heal yourself after this." His dark eyes flick down to my lips before softly pressing his to mine. The kiss lasts a mere second before he's talking once again. "You're strong for waking up. You're strong and I won't let you believe you aren't."
My mind scrambles to find something to say. I can barely tell when Tyler's calloused fingers suddenly grasp onto mine. How can someone think I'm strong? All those things are so cowardly and weak. I'm so cowardly and weak. I did all this to myself because I just wanted all of it to end. Do I still want it all to end? Could I leave Josh and Tyler? I already tried to leave Josh, multiple times, it couldn't be much different with Tyler. Maybe I'll try again, maybe I won't. Right now
I still believe I'm weak and cowardly, I'm not really built for living.
"Alice?" Tyler's soft voice cuts through my thoughts.
"Yeah?" I asks and look up at him.
"You want to sleep?"
"Yes please," I mumble and we return to how we were before. My head slowly rises with each breath he takes. What if he actually tries to take his life? I couldn't live with that happening. Could he live without me?// hey guys. I'm finally updating. I had to fix a bunch of holes in this chapter. So just to clarify as a lovely reader pointed out earlier today, I know Zack is actually younger than Tyler. For the sake of the story and future events Zack is going to be older. Tyler is the second oldest of his family in this little world.

Stay alive.
-Kirsty