Existential

Chapter 16

I felt gray.
I felt gray for a day, two days, three, and eventually that turned into two weeks of gray. Two weeks where I skipped that party and two weeks where I snuck out of the house to go to Josh's house. Two weeks consisting of me pretending to get over Tyler and ignoring his few attempts to speak to me in the hallway. It's winter break now anyways. I can go be gray in my room and have no responsibility to get up. I could probably spend the next two weeks in bed and no one would care. I could float away into more gray and not feel a thing.
I am hidden away in my room under a pile of three or four blankets, too lazy to close my window that's letting all the cold in. There is a ton of snow piled on the ground now making it nearly impossible to walk outside without slipping. I keep my phone in my hand as I wait for Josh to text me back after I requested he come here so I can warm his throat with vodka and put on crappy christmas movies. He still hasn't replied.
My parents left the house yesterday and I had escaped with no purple shades on my skin that becomes translucent in cold weather. That means I get to be alone for the rest of the break and not worry they will barge into my room or tell me I can't do something. Just half a year more and I can get the hell out of here.
Away from my parents. Away from Tyler. Away from this house. Away from the weather that can't decide if it's sunny or cloudy. Away from the crappy diner on 64th street. Away from the pond that's five minutes away. I want to make all these things five hours away at the least. Me and my gray aura wants to venture to sunny California or New York where the bustle makes everyone forget themselves. I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore. I used to have a plan but that stupid brunette distracted me.
I was going to spend Christmas with people I wanted to call family but then the thing that tied me with them decided to be an asshole. He took no time at all to cut his ties to me and get that blonde's attention. Then I decided to fade away.
Cigarette smoke started to linger on all my clothes. My nails seemed to always be chipped. I hid behind the mess of faded hair that's slowly turning brown. I gave up on hiding my dark circles. My teeth always sunk into my bottom lip resulting in the scabbing on the inside of it. My mouth memorized the taste of alcohol. I was a mess. A gray mess.
I wanted something that seemed like it was never coming back. I wanted familiar arms and familiar voice and familiar eyes and familiar home. But I'm sure all these things will eventually become distant rather than familiar and I'll pretend to forget him.
I think if I try hard enough I can pretend that none of this has ever happened. I can go back to being the bitch of Cleveland High School and pretend I never even spoke to Tyler. I can flirt with Pine until he eventually gets back with me and Josh will pretend Pine doesn't bother him. I'll probably end up targeting Tyler again so I can feel self satisfied as I pretend I never even came close to touching him. I wanted so bad to forget everything that happened but the memories of Tyler cling to me stronger than the cigarette smoke on my jacket.

I think I sat in my bed for hours until the doorbell rang. I let my legs take me downstairs. Then to the door. The the energy went to my hands as they turned the handle. Then opening the door. Energy transfer to my eyes and brain. Processing the face and trying to decide what to do.
Her blonde hair is jutting out from under the hood of her jacket and her legs are covered in thick jeans.
"Can I come in?" She asks and I'm too paralyzed to respond so she just walks past me. I take my time to close the door and stuff my hands into the pocket of my sweatshirt.
"What do you want?" I ask and she smiles. I don't even know her name but here she is smiling in my front room. How does she even know where I live?
"I'm here to talk about Tyler," she replies and I slowly nod. This conversation could really go anywhere.
"What about him?"
"Well he's," she lets out a sigh,"that boy is fucking crazy. He always goes on these tangents where he questions the very existence of anything. Then he will get all sad later in the night and I just want to joke around but then he's there just questioning his life. And yesterday, oh god yesterday. He said he was going to kill himself! How crazy is that? How did you deal with that for so long?"