Existential

Chapter 14

Tyler wraps an arm around me once we've settled on the couch of his living room. The television is off and the room is silent. It seemed that once we said the 'L' word all tension from what happened earlier today disappeared. I'm not entirely sure that's the best decision though.
I mean I love Tyler. I'm sure I do. I think I've loved him since before I realized it. I think I should've at least fought him initially about what happened today. I think that's what I would've done if I were the same person as I was a few months ago. Plus what the hell are we supposed to do at school? I have practically every single class with the man. How do I keep myself away from him when I'd rather be curled into his side? Even worse everyone at school will eventually assume Tyler and I are broken up. Surely Tom has started to tell people a few things with what happened with handbag girl today. The sudden confidence people had with me and her mention of 'mommy and daddy issues.' I just wish I knew exactly what Tom has told them.
I also want to somehow get payback on Tom. He's already injured my friends and torn down a small part of my 'don't mess with her' type reputation It's not like I don't know anything about him. I know almost everything about the kid. I could tell people about the time his parents got so drunk thy forget he was their kid. But do I want to play Tom's game? It is senior year after all, just five more months and I won't see most of these shit heads. The only thing I really care about is how it's going to effect Tyler and Josh. I don't want them to get hurt again, and it's not like I wanted that in the first place.
I sigh as more thoughts race around my head and I realize another thing today. I don't think I really care about my reputation anymore. I know I'm strong enough to deal with whatever Tom has for me and I don't care what the student body thinks. It's been over al these years I always wanted to be this badass chick no one should mess with. Now I don't care. People can think I'm some Barbie lacking a backbone and it won't faze me. Or at least I don't think so.
I know I'm not weak. I'm a strong person. The only people I'll really need in my life after school is Tyler and Josh. Well as long as Tom doesn't successfully take the two of them from me.
Tyler brings attention to him by pressing his lips to my cheek. He leans back and smiles at me before pecking my lips lightly. I smile at him and he runs his fingers through my hair. His eyes stare intently at the fading blue hair and I watch him. Tyler's face twitches at random times, usually when his finger suddenly catches on a knot in my hair. Eventually after half a minute he retracts his hand. I move so I lay my head on his lap and my ankles end up placed on the arm rest. My eyes lay closed and Tyler keeps a hand resting on my shoulder. His fingers tap a random beat as we sit in silence.
"What are we going to do?" I ask him, my eyes remaining closed.
"About Tom?" Tyler replies and his voice stays low.
"I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I even want to do anything. Does that make sense?" I open my eyes and stare up at Tyler. His eyes are fixed on the wall opposite of the couch.
"Tyler?"
"I just don't want you hurt. I just am not sure how to protect you without me being the one hurt. It's a different type of torture to feel one way but not sure how to make it happen. But you need to know that whatever happens," Tyler stops to look down and smile. "I love you."
We sit in silence for a while and I have thoughts whirling around my head again. Mainly about what I should do. If I should do anything. What could happen to Josh and Tyler. What anyone could possibly do to me. All of my relationships and actions have suddenly gotten very confusing and stressful. I let out a heavy sigh and sit up on the couch. I run a hand through my fading hair and stare at my lap. Tyler brushes my hair behind my ear before pressing his lips to my cheek. I smile but keep my eyes fixed on my hands. Why is there never an easy fix for me?
"What are you thinking about," Tyler whispers and leans his head into my shoulder. I smile a little and take one of his hands into mine.
"I just don't know what to do anymore." I sigh and Tyler lifts his head off my shoulder. I turn my head to watch his dark eyes roam around the room.
"Well it's not like you've been in this situation before. I wouldn't know what to do either," he mumbles and his thumb begins rubbing slow circles on my palm.
"I just don't know if I can stoop to his level. I don't think I have the hardiness I used to. Tyler you have to understand that I've changed since..." I stop myself. I don't want to talk about that. I can't lose Tyler right now over me being stupid months ago. I let out my breath and untangle myself from Tyler. Quickly standing up I run a hand through my hair and step away from the couch. The hardwood floor beneath me seems like the only solid thing in my life right now. Tyler places a hand on my shoulder and I step further away from his grip. His hand loosely falls to his side and he lets out a heavy sigh.
"You don't need to go," Tyler whispers. I pivot on my heel so I can meet his brown eyes and slightly quivering lips. Oh god he's nervous he did something wrong.
"I do though," I reply and I look down at my feet. "Tyler its best we separate now. I know that Tom will make you hate me." Sadly I've brought this on myself at the very beginning of the year. God, that was a long time ago. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I ruin the one thing that meant the world to him?
"How do I hate someone so soon after admitting I love them?"
I squeeze my eyes shut tight and level my breathing before looking at his face once more. His eyes dance with confusion and his hand swirls in his hair. Tyler will find out eventually, at least I have control when I'm the one to say it. Not Tom. He doesn't have control of this one.
"I burned your book. Well it wasn't me exactly, but I had someone else burn it." My voice quivers with every word and Tyler's face contorts. His scrunched eyebrows show confusion, his eyes show sadness, the red in his cheeks show anger, and his mouth agape shows shock. "I needed you to hate me, I never thought it'd come to this."