Existential

Chapter 15

"God damn it Josh give me the pan," I let out a sigh and struggle to take the gray metal from his hands. A smile flicks across his face as he begins tugging on his end. My fingers grasp onto the metal and it turns into a game of tug-o-war.
"Why are you," I tug on the pan harder, "such a dork?" He tugs back on the pan but his grip loosens. I tug it back and the cupcake pan finally is out of Josh's hands.
"I'm only a dork because you made me this way," Josh laughs and I roll my eyes. I place the pan on the counter top next to the chocolate mix.
"Whatever, just grab some of those weird paper things," I say as I stir the mix in the bowl once more. Josh goes searching through cabinets behind me.
"You mean cupcake holders?" Josh suggests and I nod absentmindedly. I guess those paper things are called cupcake holders. Pretty stupid name if you ask me. Josh finally comes with black and white polka dotted papers and places them in the pan. I pick up the bowl and begin pouring. Josh consistently keeps poking the bowl so that mix gets on the outskirts of the pan or on my clothes. Eventually I pour in al twelve sections and half the hem of my shirt is brown.
"Put this in the oven or else you get no mix," I threaten Josh and he grabs the pan quickly. I hear him open the oven as I begin spooning mix into my mouth. He closes the oven and presses a button, hopefully to set the timer. Josh walks back to my side and grabs one of the spoons on the counter. We both eat the left over mix before tossing the nearly clean bowl into the sink.
"Didn't we destroy my kitchen last time we made cake?" Josh suddenly asks and I nod before laughing. We were making vanilla cake for his moms birthday and started throwing mix at one another. Eventually all the counters were covered and it was smeared on the floor.
"Oh my god your moms face was the best," I laugh and Josh chuckles. I quickly brush the hair out of my face and Josh pokes my cheek.
"What was that for?" I question him and he shrugs. I hear the front door open and I can already expect Laura to come into the kitchen. Then I remember Josh has a bunch of injuries. This is going to be fucking difficult to explain.
"Hey kids," she smiles at us and walks to the counter to place her purse next to me. Once she turns a gasp escapes her lips and she rushes to examine her son's face. Josh continually pushes her hands away from his bruises and she eventually gives up. She looks between my tear stained face and her son's bruised one.
"What happened?" She questions and crosses her arms over her chest. I look up at Josh and his mouth flattens into a straight line. I eventually explain everything which ends with me crying some more, the both of them attempting to comfort me, and Laura rushing around looking for anything to help Josh's injuries. I rub any remnants of my makeup from my face with the back of my hand and give a half hearted grin. Josh smiles back before Laura finally returns to the kitchen.
"You kids are all so dramatic," she huffs and dabs a cotton ball on his cut lip. He winces and she mutters a sorry before continuing the dabbing.
"Not my fault Tom is an idiot," I mumble and cross my arms. She lets out a sigh and puts some sort of lotion onto her hands. Laura rubs it into the purplish patches of his face gently.
"Why didn't you guys tell the principal?" She questions and I shrug. Her hands finally return to her sides and worry is etched into her features. "Well I'm sorry about Tyler honey," she rubs my arm a little before she leaves the room to put the first aid materials away. The oven timer dings and I rush over to open it. I grab the oven mitts and slide them on my hands before opening the door to reveal freshly baked cupcakes. I pull the pan out and close the door before placing the pan on the countertop.
"Do you need any help?" Josh asks as I turn around to face him. I shrug and he twists faded blue hair around his fingers. I cross my arms over my chest and avert my eyes to the ground.
Today has been pretty bad. I mean it started with two people who are closest to me being hurt. Then halfway through I lost one of those two people and I still don't know what to do. I know I should be worried by my whole situation but I'm more worried about one aspect. Tyler.
I need him back, I need him back more than anything. Once I became close with him I think I felt better. I think I began to forget the bad aspects of myself. Without him I think they'll eventually come back. I'll turn into a bitch again and everyone will really wish I wasn't there. Or here at all.
"Alice," Josh snaps his fingers in front of me. I jerk my head up and immediately see him directly in front of me.
"Sorry." I mumble and Josh drops his hand to his side before smiling again.
"You zoned out," he comments and I shrug once again. Josh stuffs his hands in his pockets, probably not sure of what to say. It's been a while since I've gone to his house. We've only really seen each other at school, mainly during lunch. Also considering his anxiety maybe it's actually best I haven't been here too much.
"Do you want to change into some clothes or something? It's kind of getting late," Josh offers and I nod. He turns away from me and begins leaving the kitchen, "V-neck or Blink-182 shirt?"
**
School was now a new challenge. Arriving there with Josh had given me some security but their stares could still be sharp against me. I never thought I could be so sensitive to just people's eyes until this morning. But of course, there was one pair of eyes that were the worst of all. Two deep brown ones that I knew all too well. We had made eye contact for a few seconds too long before I could feel tears in the corners of my eyes. He had looked away and Josh had wrapped his arm around me.
Now I'm alone, outside of my first period class. Students bustled around me and it seemed anyone who is a senior had their eyes attached to me. I'm surprised I haven't ran into Tom yet, considering he's the one starting all this shit.
But I'm not really stressed about Tom in comparison to my stress about Tyler. I have to see him almost all day and sit next to him.
I can't hold his hand under the desks and I can't ask him for help in class. I can't kiss his cheek when the teacher doesn't look. I can't fix his hair for him. He can't place his hand in my thigh because he knows it drives me crazy. He won't whisper jokes throughout class. He won't look at me and I won't pretend I don't notice.
Instead it'll be both of us, rigid in our seats. Maybe he'll even stare at me, his eyes filled with hate. The opposite to what he uttered yesterday. I love him and he doesn't love me. I love him, my god, I love him so much it's already destroying me. I've already felt completely lost without him. I don't know what to do or say and what's ok to do in this situation. He's not here as guidance or just a shoulder to lean on. Instead I'm leaning on Josh, who isn't even here most of the time.
I'll probably get over this, I'm a strong person. It's just right now I've been hurt so badly by this situation it's gonna take me longer than usual.
The bell rings, shrill in my ears and the bustle of students increase. I sigh before rushing into my classroom, finally the first person in class. The teacher nods at me and I sit in my usual chair near the back. I already know the person that will soon be sitting in the chair near me. More students arrive, half of them scoffing at me. The handbag girl from before gives me a sickly smile before I notice the person trailing behind her. Tyler. He has his eyes glued on her blonde hair and she sits down in her desk. It's almost as if we never existed because he's already flirting with her. Tyler sits in the chair next to her. I think some girl named Ashley usually sits where he is right now. I watch with dread pooling in me as she places her hand on his. Tyler's lips turn up a little at the touch and he leans in to her as she speaks. The only reason I look away is the screech of a chair next to me. I stare at the girl placing her backpack on the ground and realize this must be Ashley. She looks down at me and raises her eyebrow before sitting down.
I never realized how edgy she looked until now. I think I was too blinded by the blonde she had next to her to notice Ashley's appearance. Her hair is dyed a deep black with purple undertones and she has a shaved line in her eyebrow. She covers up a Radiohead t-shirt with a black hoodie and her combat boots tap in a pattern on the tile.
"Shouldn't you be staring at your boyfriend instead of me?" She suddenly snaps and I jerk my head to the front of the classroom. I mutter a sorry followed by pain with the word boyfriend. He certainly wasn't my boyfriend, which should be clear by now.
"Wait, actually look at me" Ashely suddenly says again and I sigh before turning my head. Her dark eyes flick back and forth as she looks somewhere on my face. "You have some eyeliner smudges under your eyes. Must have been from sleeping last night." She doesn't wait for a response before she begins rubbing her thumb on my under eye. I flinch but relax once her hand leaves my cheekbone.
"Y'know I don't believe all that shit people are saying about you." Ashley says and I nod. It was nice to hear but that's one person out of a couple hundred. For all I know people could be making up more and more things about me.
Ashley looks at the teacher to make sure he's not paying attention before turning to me again.  She leans towards me, her dark hair falling over half her face. Her intent brown eyes stare into mine before she speaks again.
"There's a party tonight, it's no one from this school. Some of my college friends are holding it. Real casual, lots of alcohol. You wanna come?" She explains, all in a low voice. I have a lot of conflicting feelings. Of course I would love to go to a party but do I have the energy for it? Do I even trust this Ashley chick?
Without really thinking any further I nod and she scribbles an address on a piece of paper. She also writes a phone number, which I assume is hers and Ashley hands it to me.
"If you need a ride just send me your address. The party starts at 7 but you don't have to come so early," she further explains and I nod along. The only issue now is figuring out how to get around my parents. Maybe if I come home with Josh she could pick me up from his house. Then I wouldn't have to dodge my parents and sneak out.
We sit the rest of the class in silence as the teacher drawls on about some stupid concept. Finals were next week so of course it was a topic we've already covered. The teacher turned to white noise but the two people behind me were loud and clear. I could hear them whispering to each other and sometimes get bits and pieces of their conversation.

Definitely flirty. Definitely trying to get back at me. Definitely working. Definitely feeling like I'm being stabbed in the gut.

If this is how Tyler is going to act from now on I'm not going to stop him. He's his own person and he's mad. Tyler is allowed to lash out at me, I did destroy two years of his work after all. Although I do have those six songs, I wonder if it would even matter if I gave him those. He probably wouldn't care or he wouldn't listen at all. Plus he doesn't need me, clearly he doesn't rely on me.
The bell rings and I can thankfully leave the classroom. Ashley and I say goodbye to one another and I ignore the tall boy behind me. I arrive at my history class and Tyler stands behind me in front of the door. I can practically feel his presence and it makes my fingers shake slightly. I wish he would interlace his fingers with mine so I could stop shaking.
No I don't. I need to get out of this mentality. I don't need Tyler for anything. I don't need him. Not anymore. I can live without him and he can live without me.
The shaking of my hands stop and the door to the classroom opens. I give the teacher a polite smile before rushing in and taking my seat in the back. Tyler walks in, his eyes wandering the room like he's lost. His eyes lock with mine and I almost feel fear. Then I have a pang of courage.
I cock an eyebrow at him and pat the chair next to me. He seems to have stopped breathing as more students walk around him. Most of the seats are filled before Tyler begins trudging to me. I know exactly what to do. I know exactly what to say to him to bother him.
Tyler pulls the chair out and the surrounding conversations overpower the typical screech on tile.
I lean back in my chair as he settles in next to me. Tyler's knee bops up and down as his leg shakes. I feel a self satisfied smirk play on my lips when a surge of power rolls over me. A roll of my head and a look into those brown eyes almost makes me forget what I'm about to say. Almost.
"You don't know what love is," I tell him, my voice even. I feel just as I did at the beginning of the year when I was tormenting him. That same surge of assurance and satisfaction as his face contorts in response.
"Yes, yeah I do." He stutters in response and I roll my eyes. Tyler can't even keep his eyes trained on my face. They flick to his hands, the ceiling, students around us, anywhere but my eyes.
"You proved yourself wrong yesterday." I let out a small laugh and Tyler's eyes finally connect to mine.
"Like you know what love is. You fooled yourself into love with Pine, some emotionally abusive kid and you were too blind to see it." Tyler snaps back and I slightly jerk at his words. My arms cross over my chest and his eyes return to the front of the room.
"You don't know half the shit about Pine. You don't know how great he was to me. You only saw the worst and that's because you wanted me to break up with him," Tyler rolls his head back and his eyes train on the ceiling.
"I didn't force you to flirt with me or sleep in my bed or go to my house or talk to me at all. You did this to yourself." Before I can reply the teacher brings attention to the front of the class. I let out a shaky breath and focus on any writing on the board.//Hey guys, hopefully there isn't too many typos in this chapter. If there are any ill try to scan through tomorrow and fix them quickly. Btw when I went to the social distortion concert on Monday I had an anxiety attack so that wasn't too fun but at least it didn't last for half an hour. Anyway I'm gonna work on the next chapter and hopefully you all like the update
Stay alive
Kirsty