DEVIANT HEARTS| HEESEUNG

36-Agony Of Your Flesh

Athena's pov

Trapped in our quiet storm, the one we had created as I waited for him to say a word, I waited for him to say anything but there was nothing. Only the broken silence while he looks down at his scarred hands. Scars, blood, and pain to desperation. I wanted to hold them in my arms, touch my lips to every scar, taste the residue of agony congealed in their flesh. I wanted to eat his wounds, consume every mark of his pain, and savor the bitter history of every bite, even the bites of my heart. The bites that scarred my heart.

My words came spilling out unfiltered, much like the rain beating against the window. I didn't even realize that I started talking about her about my mother until words were already spilling from my lips.

"She wasn't supposed to die like that," I whispered, my voice shaking. "She wasn't supposed to end her life like that." The memory sprang forward, stark and real, like something that had occurred yesterday. The picture of my mother, still and icy, was left on my brain picture I would never be able to remove.

"I don't understand why she did it, Heeseung," I said next, my voice cracking on his name. "She didn't even leave a note. No explanation, nothing. Just. gone. Like she never existed. Like I was never enough to keep her here." The words seemed to tumble out of my chest, each one more painful than the last. "I wanted to hate her for that. I did, for a very long time. I wanted to be angry that she left me with nothing but questions about this hole that I could never fill.

I hiccupped, the sound of it surprised me, and that's when I realized I had been crying. The hot tears stung my skin in an almost stark, bold contrast to the cold air seeping in from the storm outside. I brought my hands up to my face, trying to wipe them away, but there was no use: the flood had started, and I couldn't turn the tide now.

"I thought that if I studied psychology if I dived deep into studying the mind, I'd find an answer. Some reason why she had left. Why did she choose death over me? But I didn't find anything." My voice cracked, my breath hitching as I tried to hold it all in, trying to keep the dam from bursting. "All I found was more pain. More darkness. And the more I searched, the more I lost myself in it."

I wasn't even sure if Heeseung was still listening anymore. My words were strung out like I was speaking to the storm rather than him. But then, I felt his hand-tempting, trembling, and so tentative brush up against my cheek. It was a warm touch, surprisingly tender considering the rough edges of his personality. I blinked up at him, startled by the softness there in his eyes.

He'd dropped to his knees in front of me, hands cupping my face, holding me like I might break if he let go. His thumb brushed away the tears that wouldn't stop falling and for the first time in a long time, I didn't pull away. I didn't try to hide.

I'm so sorry, I whispered, the words tumbling between sobs. I don't know why she did it, Heeseung. I don't know why she'd leave me all alone. My voice was barely a whisper now, my throat tight, the sobs threatening to overtake me utterly. I just. I wanted her so badly to just see me. To love me. But she never loved me.

His eyes darkened, his brows furrowing in a sort of sadness that I had never seen before. "Athena," he muttered, his voice hoarse from his feelings. "You were always enough. You have always been enough."

I shook my head, the tears blurring my vision. "No," I choked out. "No, I wasn't. I wasn't enough to keep her alive. I wasn't enough to stop her."

Heeseung's hands tightened somewhat on my face, his thumb still stroking away at my cheek, mopping up the endless stream of tears. "You were a child, Athena," he whispered, his voice sure and anchoring. "You weren't supposed to stop her. You weren't the one supposed to save her. She made that choice, not you."