One Hundred Sleepless Nights

8

"We're doing a show tomorrow night." Tony says as we sit across from each other at the restaurant. I "If you wanna come."

I still haven't told Tony about Jaime. Each day I don't tell him I know its going to hurt more when he finds out. Or when Jaime finds out since I haven't told Jaime about Tony either, but we haven't talked all week so theres no surprise there. 

Tony and I have talked or seen each other everyday this week which is nice but also its surprising. Its different than it usual is with the other guys. Its not as shallow as it usually is where I just see him at night for a couple hours after having some drinks to numb myself to the night. With Tony it just kind of feels like we're ...friends? He asks me about my day and I ask him about his and we both genuinely want to hear what the other has to say. Its weird, but much to my demise I like it.

"I'm actually not free tomorrow." I lie. My plans include staying at home and rewatching a series that I've watched a million times before, but Tony doesn't need to know that. We might be getting closer but I can't drop down my guard now.

"No problem." he says then glances up at me. "Please no other details than that."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Do you just automatically assume the worst of me?"

"Not at all. I just don't want to know if you're seeing anyone else."

"I'm not." I say too quickly. "Well, not tomorrow night. I'm working. Until 1."

Not a single part of this conversation as been truthful. Its one of those things where your brain says an answer before you can stop it, and that answer isn't even real but its too late to take it back now.

"We're having a party after if you want to stop by after work." he says.

"Tony if you keep it up I'm going to think you like me." I say with a smile, pulling my attention to the decor around the room.

He does his signature blush and look to the side, his hands coming together in front of him. I've learned that this move means he's feeling shy but likes the attention, he just doesn't know how to deal with it. I love it.

"If you're free, come by." he says. "Unless you have plans after work."

I laugh at this. "I don't think you get the whole casual thing."

"Neither do you." he challenges. "You're here on a date with me. The second date in one week."

"When the hell was the first one?" I ask, unsure about how any other time could be classified as a first date. Furthermore, how does a date occur if one of the people on the date doesn't know its a date?

"That first night at your place." he says as if I'm silly and forgot.

"That was not a date, come on." I say. 

"it definitely was." he protests. "I mean, I slept in your bed and everything. How is that not a date?"

"How is it?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Just is."

"Okay well its only counting as a date because that means we're one date closer to date three which means we're super close to the third date rule." I say with a toss of my hair.

He raises an eyebrow at me. "The third date rule?"

"Its common that after three dates, the people on those dates will sleep together."

"So you're going out with me until I put out?" he says, pretending to be offended.

I roll my eyes. "You knew this at the start."

"I thought you'd change your mind."

"No, you see this is how it goes. We try your way, realize that its doomed to fail and that we're not alike enough or too alike. The more we get to know each other the more we realize that we wish we hadn't. So before we reach that, we try my way and realize casual is way more fun and easier. We grow apart eventually when you go away on tour and start seeing people in different cities. I end up seeing other people as well, and then we realize we hardly talk anymore, until one day we don't talk at all. No one reaches out and thats that. We fizzled out."

He doesn't bother with a reply at first, instead he just stares at me blankly. Not a single readable expression is on his face.

"This happened to you before?" he asks after a long ten seconds of silence.

My turn to blush. I play with my napkin to try and draw attention away from myself, but his eyes stay on my face. "No, I just know how it goes." I say weakly.

"I'm not leaving on tour for awhile."

"How long?" 

"Four months." he says as if thats a long time.

"And then how long is the next tour? Is it even here or is it international?" I question.

He clears his throat and readjusts himself in his seat. "Its five months, across the US and Canada."

My hearts twinges a little, clearly some part of me is disappointed. Just a very tiny, tiny part of me. Way deep down. Almost unreachable really.

"Have you dated people before while you were away on tour?" I ask him.

He takes a deep breath in. "Yes, Alia and it didn't work out, so you're right."

I can tell by his tone and the fact that he used my name that he's on his way to being annoyed by me, or he's already there. I pushed too much like usual.

"I don't want us to regret us. " I say, letting a bit of vulnerability slip into the conversation. "If we're casual there's no regrets, right?"

"Could regret letting something good go." he says.

"Rather regret that than have you regret me." I say.

"I couldn't."

Without realizing it I've slipped into thinking of Jaime, thinking of times that I shouldn't, and without even realizing it I let the words slip out my mouth.

"You'd be surprised, even the closest people can grow to regret one another."