One Hundred Sleepless Nights

16

~ two years earlier ~

Its one of the nicest days I've had in awhile. Its a cool morning, cooler than one would expect for this time of year, but its gorgeous nonetheless. 

For the first time in years I'm sober and happy, and even on this day, I can't shake the feeling of hope. I went through rehab successfully - it was my second attempt but this time I know I'm sticking with it. I learned the tricks and I found ways to get through the days and the feelings, and now here I am. 

I stare down at my fathers grave. By the look of the fresh flowers I'd assumed my mother has been here today. She usually comes in the morning while the sun is rising and spends an hour here, cleaning his grave and making it proper. Part of me hoped I would see her this morning which is why I got here so early, but clearly not.

I finally found a way to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made in the past. Today is the day that started those mistakes, but I've put them to peace. 

I know I messed up my relationship with Jaime and that I'll never get it back. I don't even want to reach out to him anymore, not because I'm content with having him out my life, but because I know its what he wants. I can't do anything except accept it and move on with my life. 

I know I ruined my relationship with my mom, and maybe we can repair it, but for now I know she needs her time away from me. I don't blame her. Seeing your child become an addict probably is not an easy thing to go through, and I hate that I made her have to life that kind of life, but I've forgiven myself for putting her through it.

I hurt so many people with my actions, with my words, but its up to them to heal from it now.

In the meantime I manage my pain with people. Its not healthy but its not cocaine either, so at least my coping is getting better. Casual sex with people I don't know too well has risks too, but for now I'm using it as an escape when I need one.

I wipe the top of my dads already clean grave and pull my phone out to search through my contacts. I scroll by Jaime's, and something in me tells me to click on it. I stare at his contact photo, one I took of him when he was like 20. Before I can even think to stop myself I scroll down to the bottom of his contact and hit Delete. 

A wave of relief comes over me, but its short lived. The bile of regret stirs inside me. So I scroll down my contacts until I find some random guy who can give me temporary relief from life.