One Hundred Sleepless Nights

14

I stare down at the contact in my phone. Khalil. Why did I even keep his number? I thought I had deleted it a long time ago, like three years ago, but apparently not. How did I not notice before?

One of the first steps of rehab is to get rid of all contacts who could trigger a setback or could aid one, and yet here I am, having failed step one and soon failing the entire rehab.

I type a quick message in to him asking him to come over but I don't hit send.

In my mind I rack up a list of good things going for me to distract myself from wanting to use.

Stable job.

Its not the best, but I do enjoy it. It keeps money coming in and I get to meet a lot of different people.

My own place.

I worked hard to get my own place, super hard. I sacrificed a lot of my time pulling extra shifts in order to afford this and I'm proud of it.

I'm healthy.

I'm at a good weight, I feel hunger, I listen to my body. I don't feel tired or annoyed all the time now. I'm not crazy thin anymore. I'm doing good.

Jaime.

I'm reconnecting with him for the first time in six years. Until he learns that my reconnecting is getting distracted by Tony. He's going to find out eventually, they're in a fucking band together. 

Tony.

He's into me, clearly, but how could I be with him when I'll eventually just end up letting him down like I do with everyone in my life?

I take a deep breath in and hit send on the message. If this is even still Khalil's number he'll be here shortly. He was always quick to deliver which is what made me keep him around for so long.

I'm fidgety while waiting for an answer. I doubt he'll answer, he never used to.

I put my phone down on the table, pushing it so its out of arms reach.

Maybe I should text Noel and see if he needs someone to work tonight. I know Sam's on the schedule for tonight, Fred and Bailey are too I believe. There's no way they'd need someone else to join, but who knows. Its worth asking. 

I grab my phone, convincing myself its to see if Noel needs help, but I instantly check my message to Khalil. Its still marked as delivered.

Hearing my mom say I made her lose her faith really fucked me up honestly. She's had her faith through every single obstacle in life and yet her breaking point is me, her drug addict daughter. How could I not want to go back and numb myself from this feeling?

Whatever. 

My finger hoovers over Noel's name and just as I'm about to call him there's a knock at the door.

My heart goes into overdrive realizing what situation I've put myself in now. I'm sober and I know I need to numb right now, but is this really the answer? My legs automatically carry me to the door, my brain wanting to give in to the cravings more than it doesn't.

I swing the door open expecting to see Khalil but instead I come face to face with Tony.

"We're not supposed to hangout tonight." I say bluntly before I can even stop myself. The cravings are putting me on edge.

"I know." he says slowly, clearly taken aback by my rudeness. "I thought it would be a nice surprise. Did you have other plans?"

"No, no." I say quickly. "Come in."

I pretty much throw him into my place, peering nervously outside to see if Khalil is there before closing the door quickly. I whirl around to look at Tony who is looking at me as if I'm acting super fucking weird, which to his credit, I am, he just doesn't know why. I never knew how to have the whole 'I used to be a drug addict!' talk with people, so I just haven't.