One Hundred Sleepless Nights

18

Dating isn't as life changing as I had convinced myself it was. In fact nothing actually really changed at all. I didn't suddenly morph into a new person, I didn't go blind to everyone else in the world. I'm happier for sure, but other than that, I'm same old me. I still work at a bar, just now I feel no need to flirt with any customers, even the customers I already slept with.

Tony and I hangout just like we used to before only now he's more open with me. He'll walk around without anything on some mornings just because he can. He also tends to tell me more about his personal life, like whats going on with his mom lately or how his band members are driving him crazy.

I love hearing it all. I love hearing his voice anytime he talks. I love seeing him, I love being with him, I love him being in me, I love it all. 

At the moment we're in Tony's bed, just hanging out. We're on our phones, him texting people probably about the upcoming tour, and me just playing a little farming game. My legs are draped over his torso and he has a hand absentmindedly stroking my legs.

"Italian?"" he mumbles to me, not even lifting his eyes from his phone.

"What?"

He pulls his gaze from his phone to me. "You want Italian for supper? We could eat a ton of pasta."

"I can't argue with that." I say.

Theres something so sweet and casual about this moment. We're not even really talking, we're both doing our own thing, and yet here I am loving it more than I ever thought I could.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and told her about Tony. I didn't tell her much of course, but I told her how she was right and how I'm into him. I'm letting myself open up again to someone and it feels great. My mom pointed out how happy I sounded and I can't help but agree.

"What're you thinking about, pretty girl?" Tony says as he strokes my legs. 

"Nothing." I say with a shy smile.

He shakes my legs. "Come on, tell me."

"Its dumb!" I protest.

"I like dumb."

"Is that why you like me?" I retort quickly which earns me an eye roll.

"You know you're not dumb." he says. "So tell me."

"I know its still early for this." I say gesturing between us. "But I was talking to my mom yesterday and I happened to mention that you exist, and she said she could tell that I'm a lot happier now."

"I'm glad you're happy, its all I want you to be." he says. "I'm sure its great for your mom to hear you doing so well."

"Yeah." I say with a short laugh. "I've improved a lot since OD'ing and having all my friends and family cut me out."

"You OD'ed?" Tony asks me.

"Yeah, I told you."

"You never told me how OD'ed." he says. His entire face is covered with worry.

I scoot up so I can snuggle myself into his arms, my head resting on his chest. "I wont do it again, you don't need to worry."

He wraps his arms tightly against me, squeezing me into him. "I fucking hope not."

"No need to. I'm doing the best I've actually ever done before."

"Alia even if something were to happen, like between us, I want you to promise you wont resort back to that."

I give him a questioning look. "Are you trying to break up with me so soon?"

"I'm serious." he says, his face backing it up.

"I wont." I promise. "If ever I end up doing drugs again I would probably die instantly."

"Alia."

"Not on purpose! I would do as much as I did when I last did coke, and back then my tolerance was so high. My body would just short-circuit on me instantly."

Tony takes a deep breath in, clearly not a fan of the conversation that we're having. Poor guy wanted to know if I wanted to eat Italian food for supper now we're talking about me overdosing.

"But I wont do it ever again so we don't need to worry." I say in an attempt to comfort him.

"I can't believe everyone turned their back on you." he says. "Thats kind of fucked up."

"Not their fault, I had it coming. I was ruining all relationships I had." I tell him.

"Still, you don't give up on someone. Especially family."

"Sometimes you need to." I say. "Its what got me to get better. I wanted my mom back in my life."

He studies me for a couple seconds. I know he feels bad for me. I know he's thinking that he would stand by me no matter what. Tony is soft for me and I love it.

"I don't plan on breaking up with you." he says.

"Never?"

He shakes his head. "Ever."

A stupid smile spreads on my face. I cannot believe I didn't want to date him. 

He tips my head up and kisses me softly. I let myself get lost in it, the tenderness, the happiness. 

"Order me food." I say when our lips break apart. "Or I'll break up with you."

"Good luck," he retorts. "You're never getting rid of me."

What a blessing.