Through your eyes

Jannah

Six months later

Dear diary,

Things are going, I guess that's all.

J x

My life at Cambridge feels like this weird dream that never ends. I wake, go to lectures, pray, study, get dragged to some teaching group by the one friend I've actually managed to make, study some more, pray, sleep and then repeat.
I still can't believe I'm walking through the halls of Cambridge. I spent my whole life working to get here but I haven't even had a moment to take it in. Sometimes I can't help feel I'm a bystander in my whole life. Where everything is moving around me, yet I cant seem to feel anything.
Prayer is the only thing that makes me feel human these days. The time where everything in the day just stops, a moment of stillness. A moment where I feel.

There's a knock on the door of my room.
"One sec"
The dorms are spilt to male and females sections , but I still feel naked without my hijab. I wrap it loosely around my head and make my way to the door.

Sadie smiling face greets me. I can't help but smile back. I thought I would feel alone here but she saw me sitting at the back of the lecture theatre one day asked to if she could sit next to me. She hasn't left me alone since.
Sadie is amazing. We're similar in some ways which I never thought would be possible. She doesn't drink, smoke, or party, says she's tried it all once but hated how it made her feel. Also, her mum blew up when she caught a whiff of cigarette smoke and shut it down faster than she could blink. She's sweet, kind, understanding, open minded and respectful. I can't help but feel like I've met a kindred soul. I thank Allah everyday for crossing our paths.

"You're not ready, why are you not ready?" She asks.

"Chill, I'll be two minutes", I grab an silk maxi dress from my cupboard and a matching light green scarf.

It's 7pm and there's a networking event in the main hall. It's important to get the ball rolling for summer internships and job applications, so showing my face at these events has become a weekly occurrence. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm starting to enjoy these events with Sadie. She's a natural in the corporate world and watching her work the room is fascinating. Her parents are accountants who have been schmoozing with the top 1% since she can remember. I've come to learn that this social aspect may be more important than my grades in determining where I end up.

"How did you find MacIntosh's paper?" She asks as her heels click around my wooden floor.

"It's was fine, though I don't know why he decided to test us on quantum theory when it's not even his class."

"Yeah, probably to throw people off so he could fail half the year, miserable git" she mummers under her breath.

I'm smiling as I change into my dress, because we both know she aced the test. Everyone underestimates Sadie with her blonde hair, green eyes and ditzy smile; She's the most intelligent person I've met, maybe more intelligent than me. I never would have said something like that six months ago but perhaps some of her confidence has rubbed off onto me.

I pin my hijab, spray some oud, add a little colour on my lips and walk out of my bathroom.

"You look amazing", Sadie grins, she loves an excuse to get me dressed up.

"Let's get this thing over with"

"You know a thank you never hurt anyone" she looks at me with kind eyes.

Ya Allah, I've hurt her feelings and she's still being nice to me, forgive me.

I look at her shiny black heels and take a deep breath. "Thanks, I guess I get nervous when someone compliments my looks, there's always this doubt that sneaks in whispering how different I look to everyone else".

She gives me a weird look. "You know you're the prettiest person I've ever met, MashAllah"

I laugh, Sadie's been learning more about Islam but hearing it in her accent still makes me smile.
"Thank you, Sadie" I hope that one day I can believe it.

...

We're in the hall, mingling around the reception area. So far I've met two CEO's, one oil tycoon and three MP's for local constituency's. Every three months, Cambridge hosts a celebration for alumni and contract holders. Its all a show for people getting drunk to reminisce their "old days", but the first couple of hours people talk business so you can pick up some interesting intel. Of course everyone is interested in hiring from Cambridge and Oxford so it helps to make connections.

It's been a pretty dry evening, all I can think about is how badly my feet hurt in these heels. I'm 5 ft 3", and my first tip from Sadie how you look is how you feel. So wearing heels is my attempt to feel powerful when Im talking to balding middle-aged white men. They don't get to look down their nose to see me.
I guess tonight hasn't been a complete waste of time. I was able to talk to Sorrec, a fairly new company who secured contracts for the new Olympic stadiums. I talked to the COO and a couple board members who grilled me on Stat index but I think I managed to hold my own. InshAllah I hope I made a good impression.

I'm waiting at the bar for an orange juice eying the open stool, knowing I should get back to networking but I cant think past the throbbing in my poor toes. I promise myself 5 minutes of rest, no one will notice. I finally decide to take the seat, when I hear a deep baritone ask for a sparkling water. I glance to my left and see the profile of a man, he doesn't look old enough to be here as an alumni but neither does he look like a student. There's something in the line of his shoulders, the way he holds himself that makes me question. He looks like he holds power. His dark hair is push back from his face, long in a way that it brushing his collar yet tamed enough that it somehow still looks professional. His face is pensive as he types furiously on his phone. The tanned skin of his forehead scrunched and his lips pursed as he contemplates whatever is on that little screen. Sure he's handsome by conventional standards, but it's his expression that makes me pause. His confusion, so deep, so open, so vulnerable, in this hall where the vultures would attack at the slightest whiff of insecurity. How he isn't playing a game of pretend in this room of fake niceties. I want to reach out, grab his phone to see what is making him feel like that. I want to solve the problem. It's what I do, what I'm good at, I want to help him.

"There you are" Sadie interrupts my train of thought.

"Hey, just grabbing a drink" I sigh, I'm only 3 minutes and 42 seconds into my rest.

"More like resting your feet" she eyes the stool I'd just planted my butt on.

I can't keep my laugh in "you won't let me get away with anything, will you?"

"Nah, where's the fun in that!" She saddles up close taking a sip of my drink that was just placed in front of me.

"Hey, I waited 10 minutes for that drink, you better not finish it! And I think it's just your sociopathic tendencies to exploit people's insecurities in social contexts"

She takes another gulp of my drink with a cheeky smile. " Hhhmm, I see these evenings have taught you a lot in reading people, I'm proud of you." She mummers, somehow turning my complaint into a compliment.

"I know what you're trying to do", she gives me a look.

Oh crap, she really is too observant for her own good, "hmmm what do you mean?" I mutter.

"You're trying to distract me so you can keep your butt on that stool for a little longer".

I widen my eyes "how do you even ...". I'm literally speechless, I've never met anyone like her.

She pats the top of my hijab, "There, there hon, you love me really".

I huff out a loud and dramatic sigh but can feel a reluctant smile spread across my face. I end up beaming up at Sadie, thanking Allah for my luck, because I really needed her.

She lets out a snort and then a giggle.
"If that's all it takes to make you smile I should pet you more often."

I burst out laughing. I throw my head back and laugh to my hearts content, I really can't remember the last time I had such fun. Sadie has a way of making me forget where I am. There's no room for anxiety or insecurities. Her presence is so bright it lightens all the darkness. I feel so lucky she's chosen me to be her friend.

Through the fog of happiness I can feel a laser focus pointed at my left check. Uh Oh, my shoulders creep up, someone is looking at me.