Through your eyes

Jannah

I came up to the balcony to get some fresh air. I love how the gardens look from up here and couldn't let myself go home without seeing the view at least once. But I'm surprised when I see Elliot leaning in the edges. And then he's apologising again, because he thinks he made me uncomfortable.

"I was happy to see you" he admits, as if this explains everything.

I swear my heart literally skipped a beat. Yeah that definitely happened and I feel the warmth rush into my cheeks. I seriously might have to book an appointment with my doctor, what is happening. He happy to see me? Why? We're strangers to each other, strangers who had a impactful moment, but still strangers. Right? And like a mindless buffoon, the only response I can come up with is 'Oh'. How embarrassing.

"I think I'm digging myself a deeper hole" he sounds almost defeated. His head is hanging between his shoulders.

"Mr Madden?" I get his attention.

I didn't prepare myself for his attention solely on me. It feels like I'm rooted to this very spot by his gravitational field alone. His eyes are out of the world. And he lets me see everything, he's apologetic, frustrated and imploring me to believe that he's being genuine. That he's not trying to flirt with me. He's not trying to make me uncomfortable. That these aren't lines he uses to charm people. Forget an unguarded moment, every moment I've been in his presence he's been real with me. No walls. No games. Just unguarded.

And I realise at heart, he's a sweet man. Caring of others feelings, kind, honest and respectful.

"It's okay, I believe you. I was more shocked than anything, of all the things you could say I wasn't expecting that."

"Why would you think I wouldn't be please to see you?"

"With all due respect Mr Madden, we've only had one conversation together, feelings are out of the question."

"Elliot, please. I think that one conversation changed my life". He says absentmindedly, looking back over the gardens. Like he hasn't just dropped a bomb, he may as well have admitted to murder with the silence that follows.

And I don't want to leave that admission hanging in the air, I don't want it to turn into regret. He's being so honest with me and it's refreshing. There's no room for uncertainty, I want to be confident too, he inspires me to own my words.

"It changed mine too". I watch him turn back to me. His eyes meet mine and I let him see the vulnerability, the uncertainty but the happiness. The happiness that I found a likened soul.

We turn both turn back to the gardens because we're uncertain with how to deal with the intensity. I take deep breaths, and feel the solace set in. It really is a beautiful night.

After a while he chuckles and says, "I do hope you mean in positive way."

I laugh too. It weird how he's always apologising for making me uncomfortable yet I've never felt more comfortable than in this moment.

"I thought that was implied." I smile as I turn back to him.

He stares at me for a moment, I don't know what he's looking for. It's as if he's contemplating something extremely important.

"How have you been Jannah?" He asks, and I can see in his eyes he genuinely wants to know. He's not asking me to make small talk.

"Im doing well..." I don't know why I want to say more. But I'm not overthinking it, he's been so open with me, respectful, kind, I'm positive he won't mock me.

"I'm trying to take more control in my life, rather than let life take control of me." I say after a while.

"That sounds like a good mindset to have". He says, "I think I've been letting my life and work do the same to me, but recently I've been trying to change that too."

"How is it going for you?" I ask

"To be completely honest I'm not sure. But I think I'm making progress. It's hard to give up what you know. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing..."

He sounds frustrated, and I want to help him again. But I just don't know how. I've never taken in this role of consoling others, he makes me want to try.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I say

He looks at me intensely again as if he's snapped out of his thoughts. Something is obviously bothering him. I wonder if he'll share.

"I grew up really poor, like homeless poor. So my whole life since has been making sure I don't get there again. About making money. And now that I've achieved that, I feel like I don't have a purpose."

I'm stunned, I never knew anything about his background, and my heart goes out to that little boy. The boy who lost his childhood, who had to grow up fast, who had to work so hard. And while I feel sad for what he must have went through, it makes me admire the man he's become so much more. The fact that he trusts me with this information, humbles me.

"I'm sorry that you grew up like that."

He nods as if he doesn't know what to do with my empathy.

"I felt out of control with my emotions, felt like I was living a lie, suppressing myself to fit in a box so I wouldn't offend people. Lately, I've been caring less on pleasing others and more on pleasing myself. It's still hard to change from the thing you know, and maybe not pleasing to the people around me. I'm still figuring things out, how to balance it all." I admit.

"I just want you to know that making changes is hard, you're not alone in that." I offer him a reassuring smile.

"I hope it's worth it." He replies.

"Hardship is a part of life, it is how we grow, how we evolve... and whilst it's difficult, I'm trying to embrace the process, because with hardship comes ease."

He looks at me like he's seeing me for the first time. I guess this is the first time I've let my walls down. But the look he's got on his face, it's like when I've worked out which equation to use in one of MacIntosh's papers. Like the answer is in reach. Like things are finally falling into place.

"With hardship comes ease." He mummers.