Through your eyes

Elliot

I talked to Jannah for a while about her course, she asked about the Sereco deal. Unsurprisingly, she was extremely helpful, gave me ideas and grilled my proposals. I bid goodnight a little later when Sadie interrupts, saying she'd been looking for her. I had to go home and work anyway.

It's now 1am and I'm still sitting at my desk. Everything is finally ready for tomorrow, I managed to get a hold of Harjas who was able to brief me. I organised files and the portfolios so it's all clear for Ms. Adeko. You'd think I would be tired since I've been up since 6am, but my mind is racing. In the quiet of the night, with all the days tasks done my thoughts finally have the chance to run free.

I'm thinking back on my life. On all the hardships I've faced from eating from dumpsters, using the shelters, sleeping on couches. To think where I am now, I should feel fulfilled. I should feel like the happiest man alive. And while I am extremely grateful, I don't feel happy.

I need to get out of my apartment, I feel like I'm suffocating in my thoughts. I feel so guilty for not being happy. I literally have everything I ever wanted, more than I could have imagined so why am I sad. It's wrong for me to feel this way isn't it?

I change into joggers and a hoodie.I put my running shoes on and go downstairs. Alan at the front desk is surprised to see me, but opens the door nonetheless wishing me a good night. I start running, I don't have a destination in mind, I just hope that I tire myself out so I can get some sleep.

Around the 5 k mark I start to make my way back. My brain is finally silent and the peace is nice.

Somehow I've made my way to the mosque. I stop and catch my breath. I know it's probably not even open but i see a light on inside. My fingers are knocking on the door before I can stop myself.

Omar opens the door, looking surprised to see me.

"Elliot, come in brother, are you okay?"

"Yes, thank you Omar ... I just wanted to sit for a while".

"Of course, please come in."

I realise I'm sweaty and it feels wrong to go inside. People put their heads to the floor, I can't take my dirty feet in. Even though they probably don't smell, it still feels weird.

"Umm Omar?"

"Yes brother," Omar turns back and waits patiently.

"Could you show me how you clean yourself before prayers?" That sounds weird, but Omar understands straight away.

"Yes of course, would you like to follow me."

He takes me down a corridor off to one side and we stop outside a wet room of sorts. Omar takes his socks off and leaves them outside, I follow his lead.

We step inside.

"We call this wudu. It provides physical and spiritual purification, we believe it washes impurities and sins away so we can be in our best state when we pray to our Lord."

He shows me how to perform wudu and I follow him step by step. I rinse my mouth, nostrils,face, arms, wipe over my ears hair and neck and then wash my feet. I feel clean after, feel lighter, it feels right.

We make our way back to the prayer room and I notice no one is here. Obviously, its 2am.

"I am just going to sit in the reading corner for a while Omar, thank you."

"Of course, it is almost time for the dawn prayer, fajr, I will be sitting over there reading Quran until it is time. Let me know if you need anything." He says with a kind smile.

"Thank you brother". I freeze as he walks away. I've never called anyone brother in my life yet it fell off my tongue so naturally. It felt nice.

I sit there for a minute just soaking in the peace. The stillness. I've never meditated but this feels nice too. Just me in this mosque, which feels safer than my own home.

I start looking through the books after a minute picking one on history. I read for about 20 minutes looking into the prophet's (pbuh) life. I'm once again surprised how relevant the difficulties he faced are in todays society, in my life. And the way he handled them makes me admire it, aspire to be like him. I had the same feeling when I was reading the Quran. I'm about halfway through and it fills me with hope, answers my questions, gives direction. I like the religion, I like what it teaches but I'm still waiting for a sign. That I'm doing the right thing. That's there's a God listening to me.

I decide to pick up a Quran and open it in the last third. I don't know where I am because I've left my bookmarked copy at home, but I hope to open it somewhere close to where I was.

'Al Inshirah

In the name of God, the Most Kind and Caring.

Did We not expand for you, (O Muhammad), your breast?
And We removed from you your burden
Which had weighed upon your back
And raised high for you your repute.
For indeed, with hardship comes ease.
Indeed, with hardship comes ease.
So when you have finished your duties, then stand up for worship.
And to your Lord direct your longing'

Goosebumps prickle on my arms, the hairs on my neck stand up. The call to prayer starts. And the room feels static, like it's been bathed in light, it feels full even though it empty. I can't explain the atmosphere. It's physical. I could touch it. It almost feels like a warm embrace. I wonder if Omar can feel this too?

It feels monumental that I stumbled upon this verse. The fact I was struggling with my burdens, this guilt and dissatisfaction, and this is telling me that someone is listening. How far I've come, all how those opportunities were presented to me. The fact that as soon as I read 'stand up and worship' the call to prayer started. The fact that some of these words were uttered to me a couple of hours ago. That I found comfort in them then. And now they're written on a page in this book. Of all the pages I could've have opened to, it was this one, this Surat. There's no way this is chance. I literally asked for a sign moments ago. And everything feels like it's changed since. It's only been 3 minutes. This is crazy.

The call to prayer ends. And Omar stands up and gets ready to start his prayer. I close my Quran and walk up and stand behind him like I've seen people do before.

I believe, I truly do believe that God is here right now. He's giving me the sign that I asked for. He's listening to me. He knows how I'm struggling with this. And I can't deny it anymore. In this moment I can feel Him. Can feel His embrace and it makes me feel whole. I can feel His power and it makes me want to fall to my knees. I can feel His light and it makes my eyes water. I can't explain all these feelings.

So when Omar say "Allah-hu-Akbar"

I say "Allah-hu-Akbar" and follow.

Because God truly is The Greatest.