Through your eyes

Jannah

Dear diary,

In 3 hours Exams are over. That's first year finished Alhamdullilah. I can't believe it! I'm so excited for this summer!

J x

There's five minutes left in this final exam, and I've finished. I've checked it over twice already so now I'm just looking at the clock, watching the second tick by. I can't believe my first year is over. Well not officially, I'll find out in July if I've passed inshAllah. I feel like the exams went well Alhamdullilah.

I'm tempted to look over at Sadie in the exam hall but I don't want to get in trouble. We're staying in Cambridge until the end of the month with little bits and bobs left to do. We've got to pack up because we're changing dorms to live together next year. The dorm wont be ready til August so we've got to move everything home and then bring it back. But Alhamdullilah I'm excited to live together. We've both got some events with societies in the next two weeks too so I guess we'll be busy with those too. And then summer.

I don't really have plans for summer. I'm moving back to Birmingham, to live with my parents. I do miss them and my little brother so it'll be nice to see them. I am looking forward to it, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all my free time. Maybe I can find a job or volunteer. It's odd, that I'll have 3 months without anything to do. With school most of my summer was always taken up with extracurriculars, preparation for university admissions and exams. So it's weird not knowing what I'm going to do. It triggers my anxiety, not as severely as it would have a couple months ago, but I can feel the stress in my shoulders return. I take a deep breath and try to look on the bright side. This summer will be a clean slate. I'll be in control of my time. I can do anything I want.

We're told to put and pens down and the invigilators come to pick up the papers. And then we're finally dismissed. I find Sadie's eyes from across the room and smile.

This is it, year 1 out of 4 done.

...

The rest of the day we laze on Sadie's bed, she's got TV in her room and we end up binging Love is Blind. We both giggle and sigh over the cute couples and wrinkle our noses at the odd ones.

Sadie paused the show to get the door for the delivery guy. We ordered pizza from a halal take-away shop.

She comes back with plates and the pizza boxes, getting everything set up on the rug by her bed. Once we've settled on the make-shift seating area, I blurt out the question that has been on my mind for a while

"Have you ever been in love?" I scold myself, I didn't mean for that to come out.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer. I was just wondering what it would feel like." I mummer afterwards.

"No, I don't think so" she says after a little while.

"I had a boyfriend in secondary school who I thought I loved..." she trails off, I don't push her, I'm already regretting my stupid question.

"When we first got together we were great, we went on monthly dates, made time for each, put the effort in. But in our 3rd year we both got busy. Once the summer was over I realised I hadn't seen him in 6 weeks, and I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel sad or hurt that we'd let ourselves drift apart. I didn't miss him. And I guess that's how I knew I wasn't in love with him. I guess he was just comfortable to be with when he was around. I ended things that autumn." Sadie adds quietly.

"I'm sorry... that's sounds like a tough situation" I don't really know what to say. I'm not very good at comforting.

"I'm not sad because I'm hurt, it's sad that I had to hurt someone else. I don't know, it was just difficult to go back to being friends after that. I guess I'm sad we lost that too." She says.