Through your eyes

Jannah

Dear diary,
I'm trying.
J x

It's been 3 weeks since my last unguarded moment. I haven't been able to tell Sadie about it because it felt like weakness. The anxiety crept in the minute I got home; I shouldn't have gained unnecessary attention, shouldn't taken up too much room, been too loud. But as the weeks went on it feels like a burden on my chest. In that unspoken moment I remember feeling free, not acting with my usual mask in place, feeling real, feeling like me.

Coming to terms with these feelings has been different this time. I'm usually able to convince myself that hiding is for the best. But I've been praying on it and it's not the answer that I'm coming too. No one would understand the spiralling thoughts in my brain. Why I do all of this, my insecurities. They wouldn't be able to relate to feeling trapped when  they're are no oppressors but my own thoughts.

The reality is there is no tangible pressure on me. My parents are loving and supportive. They don't ask me for anything but to keep up with my studies. The societal pressures of being a women, a person of colour, a women in engineering, Muslim, a hijabi, not drinking, smoking or partying puts me at a disadvantage with my peers. Then the cultural expectations of being a Pakistani girl. The idea of how women need to be quiet, soft, fit into this perfect box, waiting for a husband to serve. That my life will begin after I get married. And whist my parents don't hold these values, there is a difference in how they act with my brother. There's always a difference between boys and girls.

Whilst I feel like I'm buckling under these pressures. I don't resent it, this is how my life was meant to be. Alhamdullilah I'm lucky to have been chosen by Allah to be Muslim, to be my parents daughter. They say that Allah choses the softest hearts to follow Islam so maybe that's why I am struggling with all of this.

Being vulnerable in this world is like asking for a slap in the face. But the way I'm living my life right now feels wrong.

I text Sadie, asking if she can come over. It's 10pm Tuesday but I know she's still awake. That girl works so hard I'm sure she's reading next months syllabus.

She's been so patient with me. Try's so hard to be there for me. I haven't been a good friend to her, she owes me nothing but she won't give up on me. I'm going to start trying today.

There's a knock on the door 5 minutes later. She lives in the dorms in the hall next door, but she still ran through the quad in her pyjamas, hair in messy bun and all. And I can't help the tears that gather in my eyes, I feel so guilty that I have taken her for granted. Ya Allah forgive me.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She rushes in, it's the first time she's seen me cry and I can hear the panic in her voice. She puts her arms out as if to give me a hug but then retracts them just as quickly.

I'm not used to physical affection, I don't think my dad ever hugged me and I can't remember the last time my mum did either. Other than the occasional 'Beta' I don't think they've ever said they love me either. I know that they do, that they'd give up everything for me, it's just the concept of affection is so foreign to me. Even between my mum and dad I don't think I've seen them even hold hands. I guess it's frowned upon in our culture.

Seeing Sadie standing in the middle of my room makes me feel like I'm missing out. Maybe I'm just emotional, maybe my period is due, I don't know. But I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her. She squeezes me tightly. It feels nice, warm, like a cup of hot chocolate in the winter.

After a couple seconds Sadie breaks the silence, "You're scaring me, now I'm really worried".

I let out a little laugh. "I'm fine, I just want to say thank you for being my friend when I haven't been a good one to you".

"Whilst I  appreciate the thought, please don't thank me or anyone for that matter for being in you're life, you're amazing, don't feel indebted to us".

And she makes me realise again how screwed my head is. That I feel like a burden to those around me. And she probably doesn't understand all of the insecurities I'm dealing with, but then she won't until I tell her. And in that moment I trust her to protect my heart more than myself.

"You're right, I'm trying."

And I start to let her in.

An: I love Sadie, she's so badass. This story is really about Jannah and Elliot finding themselves, mending their relationships with the people around them all because of this unforgettable interaction with each other as strangers. As they grow they will interact more I promise. I want to touch on topics that are holding them back, I want their story to be more than cute. I hope that makes sense.
Also I know this chapter is short- let me know what you think.