meet me at midnight.

18.

For three weeks, I sank into a depression so deep that it felt like I was drowning. Things happened around me and I felt like I couldn't do anything. Mom's funeral was organized by Josh and Desiree. My other friends also took on some of the planning responsibilities. Desiree would ask for photos of mom, dad and I, and I would give them to her.

It felt like I was being a jerk and I'd cry about how bad I felt. My friends were too young to be planning a funeral, but they were doing it for me whilst I went through the motions of grief. Marie had signed me off work again and I spent a lot of time overthinking everything.

Two good things did happen. Austin's trial took place on the 7th March. He was found guilty of first degree murder. It was a trial I couldn't bear to attend, but he would be facing life in prison. Apparently his family had attended and protested that he was just misunderstood, that he hadn't meant to hurt mom, but that gave me no comfort.

On Tuesday 12th March, I woke up for mom's funeral and did not want to leave the bed. I hid under the blankets, sitting on the bed, looking through my pictures. I flinched when I felt Josh sit behind me. He moved me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me.

"I-i don't think I can do this." I said.

"I know you don't, little mouse," He said. "But I'll be there with you and so will your friends."

"I-i'm sorry." I said, breaking down again.

"Please don't apologize to me, Daisy." He said.

I shifted and looked at him. His gaze was gentle, but he looked tired. I felt the immense, crushing weight of guilt.

"Y-you're tired." I said, sadly.

"I'm runnin' on fumes, little mouse," He said. "But I don't care. I love you and I'd do anything to look after you."

"I-i promise I'll get better." I said.

"Don't rush yourself," He said. "You're supposed to grieve. And I'll grieve right by your side and when you're done feeling sad or however you feel, then I'll still be here for you."

"T-thank you." I whispered, hugging him.

I changed into a black dress, tights and black sneakers. I dragged a brush through my hair and winced at the amount of tangles. I managed a slight smile when I saw Josh in his suit. He was fiddling with the tie again.

"I-i can still do that." I said.

He sat down and I sorted out the tie, smiling softly as I did so. His hand came to rest on my hip and I felt the overwhelming urge to just hug him. I finished tying the tie and hugged him, clinging to him. He hugged me back, one hand still holding my hip and the other pressed to the back of my head. Our physical contact had been limited. I went through days of not wanting to be touched, but now I just wanted to be hugged.

Kenny appeared at the door, dressed in a suit too, looking glum. I could see Aubrey standing next to him.

"Car's here." She said, softly.

Josh and I pulled apart and I stepped back when he stood up. I took his hand and we followed Kenny and Aubrey. A really selfish part of me wanted for this to be over. No one spoke on the drive to Trinity Church in Manhattan.

When the car pulled up, I was relieved to see our friends. Desiree was the first to rush over to us. I let her hug me. She squeezed me tightly, like she was afraid I'd disappear, which I had done these past three weeks. She pulled back, looking at me. There were heavy dark circles under her eyes.

"I-i'm so sorry." I said.

"Don't you dare say sorry to me," She said. "Do you understand me, Daisy? Do not apologize to any of us. We did what we had to and we'd do it again."