When He Saved Me

f i f t e e n

--- TRIGGER WARNING (This is going to be a heavy chapter that will deal with self-harm as well as the main character will experience what it feels like to be in a trauma bond so please do not read if you think you will be triggered.)

All the girls and I are getting ready. There's a bonfire going on at the beach tonight and we decided to go as a good way to end our last night.

Nicky keeps shooting concerned looks my way but I try and avoid her gaze I can't answer her questions.

I've mostly stayed in bed I haven't really been in the mood to do anything today. I really didn't want to go to this party but Jules begged me to so I caved. I would do anything to make that girl happy I swear she reminds me of a golden retriever puppy and I love it. Plus she did say there would be alcohol there so that made me feel better.

"Mads!" I look up to see Brooke, Nicky, and Jules staring at me. "Are you okay? We've been talking to you."

"Yes, I'm sorry I must've zoned out." I paste a smile on my face. "Whats up?"

"We were just trying to figure out what to wear." Jules laughed and held up 2 skirt options in front of her definitely the Pink one I tell her.

I look down to see my phone lighting up Cades calling me. Ever since I unblocked him he's been calling me every day without fail but I haven't been able to bring myself to block him again.

"Guys I'll be right back." I run into the bathroom and answer. "Hello."

"Oh so now you'll answer the phone. I've been calling you." "You have to stop calling Cade please stop calling. Please just leave me alone." 

"Why did you leave me and what we had? You know if you come back I won't hold it against you. I would forgive you." Cades voice sends trembles down my spine.

"I... I'm not coming back Cade." My voice breaks. 

"Why? You clearly miss me. I was only blocked for two days." He laughs.

"I should never have unblocked you I'm sorry." 

"You gave me false hope you realize that right? That was cruel." 

"I'm so sorry Cade I know that." 

"Its okay I forgive you. I guess I'm just disappointed in your behavior you're better than this. Your parents would be so disappointed. It's only a matter of time before Jake finds out what kind of person you are and kicks you out. I'm the only person that truly cares about you Madison."

I pause for a minute not knowing what to say he just confirmed all of my fears. "Cade..." I start but he interrupts me. "Jake doesn't care about you the way I do. He doesn't even know you the way I do."

I panic and hangup the phone. I try and swallow back the tears. What is wrong with me. Maybe he's right maybe he really is the only person that cares about me and thats why I can't bring myself to block him.

He's the only one that would actually put up with all my shit. I'm not a good person. I'm not an easy person to love and Jake and everyone hasn't seen that part of me yet. The broken high maintenance part.

---- Trigger Warning ----

I look around not realizing what I'm looking for until I see it. My eyebrow razor. I pick it up and crumble to the floor. I rock back and forth and try and convince myself not to use it that it won't make me feel better but my thoughts are too much I just want to be distracted for just a second. I'll just allow myself to do it this one time.

I pull my pants down and drag the razor across my upper thigh where it won't be seen. I watch as blood drips from the cut it stings. I'm crying harder now it hurts so bad but my thoughts of what Cade has said has stopped and I can feel my emotions going numb.