Random Frames. (Englot)

What Was I Made For?

"And the Miss Grand Thailand 2022 is..."

I clutched my hands together with Heidi, palms moist with perspiration. My mind filled with a whirlwind of emotions – anticipation, hope, and a touch of anxiety. Months of preparation, countless hours of perfecting my walk, and mastering my interview responses had led me to this very moment.

I held my breath, and looked up, praying and remembering my father. The suspense hung in the air, almost tangible, as the emcee's voice resonated through the auditorium, commanding the attention of the eager audience.

"MISS GRAND... KRUNGTHEP MAHANAKHON!"

A surge of emotions rushed through me like a tidal wave. I screamed and my knees almost gave out as I held onto Heidi. I stood back up and hugged Heidi tight. Tears welled up in my eyes as I absorbed the magnitude of the moment. The hall erupted in thunderous applause, the sound of echoing in my ears. I was overwhelmed by a mix of joy, disbelief, and a profound sense of accomplishment.

I stepped forward, my legs feeling weak beneath me. I blinked away tears of happiness as the crown was placed gently on my head, its weight a tangible symbol of achievement. The room blurred around me as I looked at the crowd, their faces filled with admiration and awe. In that instant, my life changed forever.

*** END OF FLASHBACK *** 

I sat in front of the vanity mirror, surrounded by a whirlwind of chaos. My once peaceful sanctuary had transformed into a hub of activity since the day I won the beauty pageant in 2022. Now, my life was a constant juggle between appearances, interviews, and events. My newfound popularity had thrust me into the spotlight, and I struggled to keep up with the demands of my new role as a beauty queen.

As I gazed at my reflection, I could not help but feel a pang of nostalgia for the simplicity of my old life. I had sort of become a celebrity overnight, and everyone wanted a piece of me. It was a whirlwind of glamour and adoration, but it came at a cost.

The relentless schedule left me longing for a moment of solitude. I missed the lazy Sunday afternoons spent curled up with a book, the quiet walks in the park, and the intimate conversations with my closest friends. Even my personal relationships had undergone a transformation. Some friends drifted away, unable to keep up with the demands of my newfound fame. Others stayed, but their conversations had turned superficial, revolving around my latest achievements and appearances. I yearned for genuine connections, for the familiarity of a conversation that didn't revolve around my crown or my title.

I found that someone. But... anyways.

I was still determined. I knew that this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I am determined to make the most out of it. I knew how hard life was when I was low on money. I witnessed how hard my mom and dad had worked to give me and my sisters the best life. I vow to repay all the effort and energy my mother had put into taking care of me. I vow that she will live a comfortable life. So, I embraced the role of a beauty queen with grace and poise, using my platform to advocate for causes close to her heart.

As I prepare to step out into yet another event, I took a deep breath and plastered a huge smile on my face. P'Sun called me and told me that they were ready for me. I nodded and went out of the door, to greet all my fans and of course the event organizers.

That same night ended quite quickly too. I was too busy to notice the time. The next thing I knew, I was walking back to my condo apartment, alone. I had dismissed P'Sun, telling him I was tired and wanted to be alone. He understood. I knew he was worried, but I reassured him that it was just because I started my day really early.

I turned the key in the lock, the click of the door echoing through the empty hallway. As I stepped into the apartment, a hush fell over the space.

My footsteps echoed on the hardwood floors as I made my way further inside. The absence of noise, the stillness... it was deafening. I guess I had become accustomed to the constant buzz of activity, the whirlwind of people and events that consumed my life since winning the pageant. But now, in this quiet solitude, a sense of loneliness washed over me. I set my bag down by the dining table, as I glanced at the living room, where the glow of the streetlights outside cast eerie shadows on the walls. The space felt unfamiliar, as if it belonged to a different world entirely. The awards and mementos that once filled the room, now seemed like mere props in a forgotten play.

My gaze fell upon the empty couch, its cushions unpressed and inviting. I longed for someone to be there, waiting to share stories and laughter. But it was just pure emptiness.

Without me realizing, tears had welled up in my eyes as I made my way to my bedroom. The room, once a sanctuary of solace and peace, now seemed devoid of life. The bed stood there, unoccupied, its sheets untouched.

I wiped off the water running down my face. I looked at myself in the mirror. Eyes swollen and red. I looked tired too. I sighed and leaned against the counter. I studied my appearance.

What was I made for? I used to know who I was but now... I feel like I lost a piece of myself.

I don't know how to feel. Just when did it all end? All the enjoyment. I'm sad again. But I can't tell my mother. I don't want her to worry. I think... I forgot how to be happy. That's something I'm not. It's something I want to be though. Someday, I might.

I slipped beneath the covers; the silence engulfed me. I closed my eyes, but sleep eluded me. In this stillness of the night, my thoughts swirled, a tempest of doubts and regrets.

What was I made for?

Cause I, cause I

I don't know how to feel

But I wanna try

I don't know how to feel

But someday I might

Someday I might

Think I forgot how to be happy

Something I'm not

Something I wanna be

Something I'm made for

Something I'm made for

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A/N: A short one for Engfa. We all struggle in our lives. Engfa too. She's only human. She doesn't deserve all the bad shit happening to her. Nobody does. As a fan, I can only hope things get better for her. All I can do is sit back and support her. To me, she is someone worth supporting. 

Engfa, to me, is my lighthouse and I've found a lot of confidence in myself and worked a lot on my self-esteem. One day, hopefully I will be able to tell her all of these. I don't know how, with the language barrier and all, but I believe Engfa will understand me. 

I'm thinking of writing one for Charlotte too. 

Also, "What Was I Made For" by Billie Eilish is so good and resonated with me a lot and I feel like as a spectator of Engfa's life, it kinda reminded me of her too.