Lost in Hollywood

Happiness

It felt like there was a tight iron band around his chest, squeezing the air out of his lungs. Cody walked out of the cafeteria as fast as he could, after just ditching his tray on a table near the doors, with only one thought in his mind.

He had to get out.

He didn't want to deal with this unwanted mess of emotions that was driving him mad, making him dizzy, he didn't even want to acknowledge it, but there it was nevertheless, and he just couldn't get it under control.

Annoyance - he was annoyed at Sky for bringing up his birthday, time after time, suggesting he should throw a party when he had said again and again that he would do no such thing. Why couldn't she just listen? He hated being annoyed at her, he wasn't used to it, because— Love. He loved her. He loved her more than anything, loved everything about her, and you weren't supposed to be annoyed at the person you loved, right? But it hurt him that she didn't understand. The things she had said about his mom having wrapped him in a jacket and leaving him to be found, not to die, were only causing more pain, not less, and there was such hurt in him, such anger, and it wasn't going away, just because she wanted it to.

He breathed in and out, trying to get a grip, but his head was light, and the emotion was burning holes in his chest. He barely knew where he was going, half-running through the crowded hallways.

He had to get away from that table, out of that room, before he lost his cool completely, because— Jealousy. It was there too, in the ugly mix of emotions that made him short of breath. The way Sky had said It's okay, just sit down to Hawk. The way she had not looked at him, like one doesn't look at the sun because it hurts.

Does she still love him?

Oh, that thought— It burned, it burned, it burned— so much that the pain cut through his chest like a piercing arrow.

He was losing it, here in this crowded hallway in the middle of his classmates, he was fucking losing it. He drew in a shaky breath, ran a hand through his hair as if he could so clear his mind.

I can't keep thinking like this. Sky is with me now, we're dating, she wants to celebrate my birthday. I've never been this happy in my life. I've never been this happy.

But happiness was a soap bubble, so pretty to watch, but if he tried to catch it, it would pop and disappear into thin air. Maybe he didn't even know what it was, how it really felt. Happiness. Maybe he just wasn't meant to have it.

He walked faster towards the library. He had lied to Sky - he didn't really need to go there, but it was the only place he wanted to go to. Books gave him peace, they calmed him down. He knew he would be able to breathe again if he was breathing in the familiar scent of old paper, leather covers, ink. And he had to calm the fuck down— He couldn't afford to panic like this in public, to freak out over happiness, jealousy, anger, hurt, love, annoyance—

Why couldn't he breathe? It felt like his chest was collapsing. This couldn't be happening, he was Cody fucking Bishop. He didn't lose his shit like this!

"—I mean, it's one thing that Cody is skipping Drama Club like every other week now, but come on? He's not even sitting with us at lunch anymore?"

Cody stopped on his feet, a sudden coldness spreading into his veins as he recognized the voice he heard around the corner. A cold shiver ran down his spine.

Jess.

She was one of his closest friends, but their relationship had always been somewhat complicated. They had met in the drama club freshman year. Jess had wanted to date him - he had wanted to date pretty, dumb girls whom he could fuck and dump without a care in the world. Jess was pretty, but she wasn't dumb, and Cody cared about her too much to date her.