Snowflakes

Beginning

I still remember it clearly.
April 4, 1997

I was just staring at you, nothing special, just looking and observing your looks. Nothing fine, nothing great, but unique. When you stared into my eyes, I went deep. That idiotic move you made,, made me unfocused and only focused on to you. It started to feel hot when you sat down beside me and not in front of me. So warm but I didn't want you to feel my heart beat beating. It's your fault for looking back. I WAS JUST STARING. Anyway, it stinks. The way you look at me, your movements, your doings, I suddenly noticed everything. So irritating, so annoying, yet I started to like you.

On the next day, you would hold my arm and say," Hi!" with a weirdo face. To cute, I suffocated. And during lunch break, I would be there to patch up your loneliness. I know the person who confessed to you, but I didn't care. That person wasn't part of our story but definitely part of yours. I snapped and suddenly made you something that would be memorable and I threw it away. It wasn't enough. You deserved better. I bought you a stuffed toy that you liked. But I gave it with a FRIENDLY gesture. I swore that whatever happens between us, it will just be between friends. You and I.

During my birthday on the 18th of April, wasn't much, wasn't less. Just a drawing. Drawing of a cute girl holding a cute star. I almost said," I li-" and continued with," I lived for yesterday and today, and this is what I get? Thanks? Thanks."

One day, you went on by yourself, leaving me behind, you went straight to your room while you left me in the hall way. Just like some other people did. I knocked twice and opened your door. You were asleep, crying. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to be there by your side. But you pushed me away. Like some other people did. You locked your door and punched that huge block of wood.

The next day, you were smiling again. You said that you were sorry about what happened and swore that it wouldn't happen again. I didn't believe you. Because I know that you don't promise so easily. You'd rather prove it than just to promise it.

You had a practice after school, I waited for you. There was someone with you, but I didn't care because that person was your friend. I was happy that you had someone to talk with rather than me. I felt lonely. It was okay. It's your life.

It was after school, you were wearing a bracelet. It showed half a heart. I asked where did it came from. You said that it came from the person who confessed to you. I didn't bother. I had my limits of jealousy. I didn't want to hurt you because of my tiny feelings towards that person who confessed to you.

The next day, you said you gave it back. I was surprised. Why? It was a present. Why'd give it back? You had your own reasons. We didn't talk much because you were studying. I went home myself. I saw a cat and it reminded me of you. Such white soft skin. I fed it. It was so small. With brown spots. I wanted to take care if it. I carried him to the nearest shelter where he could rest and be fed up.

Suddenly, you told me that you were leaving for a month or two. And that day, I confessed. I also didn't know if I would still be here. You were speechless. You were upset. You were irritated. Everything we have been through, you thought of me as someone who would obsessively follow you. I also got pissed. You've known me for four years and this is how you see me after confessing? It was a mistake. Fighting back was never part of me. But I had to defend myself. Without a goodbye, you left me with anger. With misunderstandings. I felt crushed. So painful. I was treated as an outsider of your life. I was so sorry. You never cared.

You sent an email. It said, "it's better if you could find someone else to love. I can't see you the same way. I can't return your feelings. It's also better if we stop seeing each other. Goodbye."

I have already heard a lot of goodbyes. You became one of them. I replied, "why?" And some other questions.
You didn't reply. I waited. It's been days. I waited more.

Weeks.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

It's been 4 years and nothing. You've matured up and I haven't loved anyone else ever since.

I gave up our bond, our friendship.
It wasn't gonna go back anyway. It's too obvious that it's already gone.

Nothing was left.