In This World (Harry Styles)

19

(DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. It's important to remember this is all totally fabricated, embellished, and exaggerated for entertainment purposes.)

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When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

Fix You – Coldplay

HARRY

It was Day Three of bootcamp, and boy was it a rough one. Fuck's sake. I stared down at the puke lining the toilet bowel before exhaustedly hitting the flush and standing to my full height. My legs were wobbly and my head was pounding. I could hardly see. I hadn't eaten breakfast today for this very reason, as I knew I might vomit again, like before. Still, I'd had a big dinner, and that's what had greeted me inside the porcelain in big, chunky splashes of indefinable color and form. Gross. I almost heaved again recalling the sight of it. Gemma had warned me never to stare down into the bowl afterwards, but I was so out of it my eyes had landed there before I even knew what was happening. It wasn't exactly 'mom's spaghetti,' but I still totally felt like Eminem at the start of 8 Mile. Mine had been some Italian junk from a restaurant I'd stopped by with the redhead kid I'd met at the Manchester auditions. He'd been as cool as ever and we'd spent the night walking around before curfew dictated we be back in the bunks provided by the competition. And boy was I choking now and forgetting all the lyrics to the song I was scheduled to sing in a few minutes, despite it being one of my favorites.

I rinsed my mouth with steaming hot water, then took out the travel sized toothbrush kit I'd brought along in case it happened again. I don't know why it happened so frequently now, and I genuinely enjoyed performing when I was in the right element, but something about knowing my entire life was staked on this one shot, and knowing all my friends and family were waiting with bated breath to hear good news back home, and knowing that the competition would eventually be televised to millions across the world, left me crumbling. I couldn't pull it together despite all the research I'd done on tips to overcome stage-fright. I just couldn't get it together. And worse yet, I'd been chosen as first up during the next set of performances, and they'd also chosen to have a live audience for this particular screening to set the tone of the next segment and dramatize how tough the competition was. See how close they could bring the contestants to cracking under pressure. I was basically their little social experiment right now. Practically a guinea pig trapped on a hamster's wheel for the past few days. Fuck's sake, things couldn't get any worse, and it was only 9AM.

After rinsing my mouth and the toothbrush, I stared at my drained reflection in the mirror and just wanted my mum so badly. All of a sudden, I remembered I was a 16-year-old kid who had yet to finish school, who still had no real clue of who he wanted to be when he grew up, apart from a singer, which clearly wasn't working out too well for me. I'd nearly bottled my first live audition, and then nearly butchered MJ's "Man In The Mirror," all due to nerves; not a lack of actual ability. The King would probably roll over in his grave if he'd heard me perform his song, as I'd done it such a disservice in blanking on the lyrics, but managed to save the performance in the end by being over the top entertaining. Fuck...I just couldn't cut it, I guess. I was toast. Finished. So ready to give up that it frustrated me to tears. My face crumbled and I averted my eyes from my reflection.