In This World (Harry Styles)

Missing Chapter 2 (Amsterdam)

(DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. It's important to remember this is all totally fabricated, embellished, and exaggerated for entertainment purposes.)

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Later we cleaned up, got dressed, and headed out to stroll the city in the wee hours, so that he wouldn't have to worry about being recognized. We walked for miles outside of the city center, stopping to rest on a bench and watch the sun rise. He'd been extra affectionate since I arrived, and couldn't go long without holding my hand or kissing. That was fine by me. I wrapped an arm around him and set my head atop his, taking in the stunning views in silence.

Seeing Luna last night had made me contemplate the future, considering the past has driven us to such different places. She'd probably be astounded to see me now and learn that I was marrying a man. It was unexpected, certainly, but I couldn't see things playing out any other way. Since I'd met H, the thought of going back to the way I was before was impossible. It wasn't reality anymore, and I refused to entertain it for a second. However, there were times the fear crept in. Fear for my inability to control how things would play out between us. There was only so much I could foresee, and the darkness beyond that, well, it concerned me. Knowing what I knew now about my health was generally the reason for that. There were some hard truths I had yet to face, and I worried dreadfully what my diagnoses could spell for he and I down the line.

I'd vacillated with the idea of telling him for weeks now, particularly after the engagement, because it wasn't fair to keep a person in the dark about a thing like this. He had a right to decide whether he wanted to step into this situation with me, and depriving him of that was nothing short of cruelty. The sort of cruelty I'd sworn I'd never inflict, knowing he'd endured so much of it with his ex. I couldn't be that guy. I couldn't manipulate the situation to gain my own ends, unconcerned with how it would affect him in the long wrong. There was really only one right answer here, and I was kidding myself to pretend otherwise. Time to 'fess up.

"Sweetheart?"

"Hm?" he sighed.

"There's...there's s-something I've needed to talk to you about. Something really, really important."

"Ok. What's that?"

"Look at me, would ya..."

He turned and did so, and the second our eyes met, his wide and expectant, I lost every bit of my resolve. He was so restful now, the thought of devastating him with the news suddenly seemed a greater cruelty than withholding it. We'd been so at peace since we reunited, I wanted only to remain that way. And more importantly, to take him home.

"What, love?" he smiled wearily, when I'd forgotten to speak.

"I just wanted to let you know...I don't wanna wait anymore. As soon as we get home, I wanna plan the wedding. I can't wait..."

"You don't have to. I'm ready. We'll put our heads together, pick a destination, and make it happen, alright? As soon as possible."

"Good."

"Good."

I couldn't do it. I couldn't say it just yet. My tongue was tied. I didn't have half the gall I imagined I did. I wouldn't dream of crushing him with the way he was smiling at me, nor I didn't want to jeopardize what we were building here so diligently. After the debacle that made him leave home, or: 'pull a Harry' as my dad would say, our relationship was in too precarious a place to survive another blow so soon. So, I'd do the smart thing and bide my time, and later broach the subject when we were better secured. Or...perhaps when I was better prepared to lose him.