Her Touch ~Tomura Shigaraki x OC AU~

Chapter 17: Three A.M. Thoughts

Illika

By six o'clock, Toga and Twice bring me dinner.

We all three eat together in my room, then talk and hang out for about another hour and a half – maybe a bit longer. Then at around eight, they say their goodnights and leave, telling me to get some rest. That was almost six hours ago.

It's going on three a.m., and I am still wide awake, restless buzzing filling my brain. Static that just keeps going and going, thoughts barely truly forming into anything anywhere near comprehensive. Maybe I am delusional with exhaustion, but even I know better.

If it really is exhaustion toying with me, there is an underlining cause to that. What's making me so restless? What's keeping my thoughts rolling at this hour? What has such a tight clutch of me?

I know the answers, though. It's the first night back in my room. My actual room. And though nothing bad has happened here, I'm still on edge. It's not like either of the twins ever crept in here, and nor did they snatch me from this room. All things considered, this space is untouched and untainted by the trauma, and yet...

Every little sound and shift of the building causes me to flinch.

Things that I always overlooked before – the building settling, people passing in the halls, and just other infrastructure sounds – have been ringing like music in my ears, and I hate every bit of it.

I was never like this before. This on edge and easily spooked. Before, I would have never given any of those things a second glance, but now, my eyes always flutter back to my door. It's locked, of course. Deadbolted and everything, but I keep glancing at it like some paranoid child. After all, in a world with quirks, a lock only acts as the illusion of security. With the right quirk – or access – someone could easily worm their way in.

But I know that's ridiculous. Akihiko and Asahi Nakamura are both dead. Each was killed by Tomura, as I was told. So, neither can do anything and before they came along, there was never anyone who wanted to either. But then again, they weren't originally threatening toward me. They never were fond of Tomura, but I wasn't their original target. At least, I don't believe I was.

So, who else could be holding similar values as them? Parading around, following Tomura while secretly holding that loyalty to Re-Destro. And how many of them will act out and finish the twins' objective?

I shudder and then take a deep breath.

I know I'm only being paranoid. I am still aware of that and can admit it. At least, I can to myself. That said, my eyes keep drifting to that door, always waiting on bated breath as another creek or pop moans, or shadow goes by. And each time, it proves to be nothing.

I knew it'd be like this. I just knew. Back in the infirmary's ICU, I felt secure and tucked away. And of course, monitored. I felt relatively safe there, but here... It's just me. There is no one else. There is no one guarding my door, or nurses coming in to check on me every couple of hours. It's just me and my little mind playing tricks on me.

Cruel and as unusual as it may be, that's what I currently have. Just a loud mind and an even louder imagination. Both so mean and diabolical.

Then there's Tomura. Toga told me about how he was the one who killed both twins. He was the one who soiled his hands with their blood. He was the one who had been restless and driven mad by exhaustion so much so to the point where he was sedated.

And then I spent two weeks in the ICU, never seeing him. Not until last night. I know I saw him. At first, I thought I made it all up. That maybe my mind was tricking me, but I know I saw him. He was there, scrunched up and asleep on the floor. I had wanted to touch him, but I didn't. I didn't want to disturb him.

That was the first time I saw him. And for a moment, I thought that maybe he does care about me. I mean, he killed them to save me. He did that. Not Dabi. Not Compress. Not anyone else. He did that. But I didn't see him until last night.

And he's excused for the first several days I was in the ICU. He was sedated, after all. He can't help that, but afterward? Where was he then?

It's all so confusing, really. One minute, it seems like he cares, then he's a coldhearted douche, then he's a possessive asshole, then cold, then caring, then... All over the place. But what does it mean when a man kills for you?

I shake my head.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop. No. I can't think like that. He might have saved me, but there is still no excuse for his past behaviors. For the possessiveness, the disrespect, and whatever else he threw at me. He has always been a royal jackass toward me... And yet, my heart still flutters whenever I so much as think about him.

I know it's because I love him. I know it is, and I wish it wasn't, but that's the reality. I love this man, and it hurts, but it's also so beautiful. Like a spider lily. Wicked and wild and bizarre, but so lovely and true.

So unnaturally natural.

**Hello, lovelies! A chapter all in Illika's head. Won't lie, it was all over the place because I wrote it at night, so my own thoughts are a bit sporadic. I apologize for that. However, Illika is aware of her feelings for Shigaraki. She knows that loving him sounds crazy, but she still feels the way she does. The heart wants who the heart wants. Now, obviously, in real life, someone as...toxic as Shigaraki is not someone anyone should strive to get or fall for. But when it comes to fiction, we all love the color red, because this man is a walking red flag lol. Wonder where the next few chapters will lead? Guess we'll find out! Honestly, I know what needs to happen in the story, I'm just trying to figure out how to get there. I'll figure it out. We'll get there. Just hope y'all are ready! Until the next chapter! Stay groovy! Wuv yous! <3**

-Noel Ross