Her Touch ~Tomura Shigaraki x OC AU~

Chapter 20: Ugly Fears

Tomura

These are the hands of a killer.

I know that. I have known that for as long as I can remember. Or for as long as I have been guided under my master's wing, anyway. Blood has stained these hands on more than one occasion. More than anyone will ever really know.

And I made peace with that. I was even content. Killing and eliminating people, turning them into nothing more than piles of ash. Essentially erasing them from existence. I was fine with that purpose. It even made me happy at times.

Sure. They are rough and uneven with scars. And yes, my quirk has inflicted some damage on me as well, but it never bothered me. I grew accustomed to the way they look and feel. To their ugliness and nastiness.

But her...

I squeeze my eyes shut. I can't get that image out of my head. The image of her arm, once mangled, now sporting long and janky scars that zigzag their way down her skin like pink and angry lightning bolts.

They're healing. Trying, at least. Dr. Garaki stitched the best he could. I don't doubt that for a minute. He did what he could. But those words...

I might regain some sensation in the future.

Fuck. Fuck. I hurt her bad. Real bad. Not only did I leave her mangled, but I also damaged the nerves in her arm. And now there's only a chance probability that she'll regain any sensation.

And it's all my fault. Those scars? My fault. That nerve damage? My fault. All the yelling. All the fighting. All the times she was flung, thrown, tossed like a ragdoll – all my fault. And why? Because I'm fucking insecure?

I mentally kick myself and gulp down some water. I can't fix this. I can't make things better. I've already fucked up too many times. There is no fixing that. But...but I can still do one thing. I can keep myself away from her.

That'll work. That'll protect her. It will keep her safe. So what if it'll torture me not to touch her? So what if it'll feel like someone is tearing my guts out avoiding her? So what if I suffer? Her safety is what matters, and I will do anything to do that.

This is my redemption. This is me paying for my sins. This is my retribution.

"You look as if you've seen a ghost."

I open my eyes, seeing Toga. She stands, leaning over the back of the sofa I am sitting on, her eyes peering at me. Her expression is something of boredom and intrigue, but I don't really care.

I shift, brushing her off as I speak. "I'm just tired. I didn't sleep very well last night."

It's not a complete lie. I never have been the best sleeper. Not back then, and not now, but it's become a little more disrupted ever since Illika has been released from the infirmary.

Toga observes me, then: "That bad, eh? Do you need Dr. Garaki to sedate you again?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and grit my teeth. I'm still not completely over the fact that I had been sedated. I was told it was to assure I got to rest, but all it did was make my head groggy and my throat dry. I shudder thinking about it.

"No," I finally say, opening my eyes again. "No, I rather not."

"You sure?" she presses. "I'm sure that –"

"I said no." My voice comes out harsh and coarse, much rougher than expected, but my fuse is short.

She once again scans me, tilting her head. "Ya know, you are easy to read, Tomura." I shoot her a sharp look and she chuckles. "Sorry. Figured I'd see if I could call you that." She straightens her posture and walks around in front of me. "But I mean what I said. You are too easy to read."