When Sloan Casey was at her lowest point at 17, she met Alex Abrams. Though sheltered it was almost as if Alex brought her back to life through her struggles. But after falling for Alex, the last thing she expected was for him to ghost her.
But what...
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July 24th, 2016
Dear Diary,
It's getting bad again. I don't want to use, it's not bad in that way. I'll never be fully clean, there will always be a part of me that wants to go back to it. But in this instance that's not how I feel, I feel more pain in different ways. My friends are gone, my best friend is dead and the rest of them died with her.
I'm sad again, this tiny blanket of happiness that disguised my problems has returned. I have that feeling again, I feel like I want to die. It's not a fun feeling, I don't want to die really. Growing up it's how I described how much mental pain I was in. It's how I described how bad it was so much so I just wanted to be gone. I just want the pain to go away and that way is death. I don't want to die, far from it.
I just want this pain to go away, the one that eats at me on the inside. It's like there's this switch in my brain that flips when things suck really badly so I say 'I want to die'. But not in belief that death would really cure my pain, I don't want to die. It's selfish of me of even thinking this way, I don't have any intentions of self harm, it's not a cry for help.
It's the way I describe my pain, my deepest pain. I don't want to die, because then I'd leave behind the ones who really care, the ones you have to live for.
My future is just weeks away and it couldn't come quick enough. Because I'm sad again and I need my happiness back. It's not guaranteed in the future, especially at college with its academics. But it might help, a distraction at that might help, it might save me. There's no promise of if it will, but it will distract me.
Because I'm left with no friends, and alone. Nothing but a new chapter to step into, everything occurs for a reason. Every single thing that happens in this life, leads us to where we are meant to go and it's how we grow.
I was ghosted and I grieved such a loss. But the ones who left, who didn't stay with me. They didn't deserve my presence, or deserve to let me feel this way again.
Nobody is consistent and even the ones you loved the most don't even stick around. I can't even finish my dinner from the pit feeling.
Sloan never let anyone ever give you the satisfaction of letting you feel like this again. Learn from your mistakes and grow into being a better friend. You owe it to yourself and your future friends.
Don't be too hard on yourself,
Sloan
Present Day
I stare down at the letter I'd written at one of my lowest points at 17. Because a feeling swells inside of me. Because I might not be able to have a child, it hurts to have the feeling of losing something you never had in the first place.
Because everything just kept getting worse. Nothing made sense and it hurt all over. My mom sat peering down at her book as we sat in my dorm.
Being in love with a stranger sucked. Because in this moment I want him, I crave him and the future we don't have. But I'm left alone in another hard moment, it was so casual. To leave me when it just gets worse again.
