Reflections-C.L

Do it, for you

Japan GP

Sunday 09th October 2022
Race day, Lydia's driver room
Lydia

7 days. 7 days since it happened again. When I thought everything was over, when I thought everything went well it suddenly happened again. All the emotions crashing back like a train. The past giving me a huge slap on the face, reminding me that it's still here.

I'm sitting with Charles now in my room. A few minutes before we have to prepare for the race. These past few days he has been really protective over me. He is always with me, making sure I'm okay. He never leaves me alone.

He feels guilty. I can see it in his eyes every time he asks me if I'm okay this past week. I can see the guilt in his eyes. He blames himself, thinking that I got a panic attack because we fought.

I don't blame him for anything, but I do blame myself. I've been stuck in this situation for years. I should have done something but even now I don't know what to do. How to react. How to feel.

It has happened so many times that it doesn't affect me anymore, at least not how it used to. It just happens and it keeps happening while I stand there taking in the craziness of my mind. I stand there, mind full and soul empty, moving on while my heart shatters in a million fucking little pieces by the bat life keeps hitting me with. I stand there stuck between the past and the present, the present and the future.

I don't react. I don't feel. I'm immune to the illness of my brain anymore. I'm dead inside while the outside keeps walking, taking steps forward and moving on, my brain still unable to do so.

I'm numb. My mind keeps racing faster and faster while the emptiness inside keeps growing bigger and bigger until it eats me alive and then I can't even stand to look at my reflection anymore.

Eyes red, face pale and a body that as strong as it looks as weak feels. Anxiety scars on my face and huge dark eye bags under my eyes. Nothing a little make-up can't cover though.

And while I wear this mask everyday, hiding both my face and soul scars, I want to rip it off and scream until I have no voice, until my throat feels sore until my eyes bleed so I can let the pain out. But I don't.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and wonder how bad it's going to be this time.

After Race

"Max Verstappen wins the Japan Grand Prix. In 2nd place Lydia Hatzi followed by her teammate, Charles Leclerc in P3 and that's a Ferrari double podium. It's 2-3 for Ferrari!"

I stop the car and get out of it. I feel numb. At first,I go to my team. Everyone pats my back shouting congratulations. I half-hug everyone, thanking them.

I turn my head until my gaze finds Charles. He hasn't taken his helmet off yet but I can see his eyes glistening from happiness. I can imagine his smile under the helmet.

Suddenly I can feel his arms wrapped around my body and I let go, taking the familiar wormth of his arms. As he breaks the hug he looks at me, our eyes meeting, and as I see the green color of his eyes I start feeling again. I feel safe.

"CONGRATULATIONS LYDIA" he shouts at me, his voice full of excitement.
"CONGRATULATIONS CHARLES" I shout back, before I go to weight myself.

A few minutes later I'm on the podium, spraying champagne at Charles. When I stop I keep looking at him. The dimples that form on his face when his smiles, his green eyes shining while his dark brown hair are messy from the race.

As I look at his smile I can't stop thinking how this man makes me feel. How he came in my life, almost a year ago and changed everything. How he has been by side.

Looking at him beaming with happiness, I can't stop but feel happy too. He makes me feel safe and loved. He gives me hope. Hope that I can go through all of this because I know he is going to be by my side-

I feel cold champagne spraying on me and as I open my eyes I see Charles spraying the last of his champagne on me. When he stops, he winks at me one time before he turns his head to look at the people down the podium and as our eyes meet I know that he is going to be by my side.

I want to change. It's to rip the mask off.

Later that night
Hotel room, 02:05 a.m

I turn around one more time, opening my eyes and letting out a sigh.I can't sleep. I want to buy my mind won't turn off.

I decide to get up. I take the covers off my body and slowly get up careful not to wake Charles up. My feet touch the floor and I realize this feels so familiar. It's like that night a couple weeks ago. That night in our apartment in Monaco. The night that-

I stop myself from continuing. I look at the man laying on my bed one more time before I start walking towards the balcony.

As I step outside, I close my eyes, taking in the cold breeze blowing on my face. I look at the stars and take a deep breath. Suddenly the thought of Charles smiling while spraying the champagne on the podium earlier today, comes in my mind.

"I think it's time Lydia" a voice whisper in my head.

As I look at the stars one more a tear falls from my eye. I wipe it off and turn around opening the balcony door and getting back inside.

I go back to bed and lay down. Suddenly I feel a strong arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me closer.

"Where were you?" I hear a familiar, sleepy voice whisper.
"Outside. I needed some fresh air" I say.
"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" he asks as he pulls himself up making our eyes meet.
"I'm okay Charles. Don't worry" I reply turning back to lay on my side.
"Okay. I'm here if you need me though" he says giving me a kiss on the cheek before he lays down wrapping his arm around me.

I take a deep breath before opening my mouth to speak again.
"Charles" I whisper.
"Yee my love?"
"I think it's time I seek help. By a phycologist I mean" I say as a tears falls from my eye. I shut my eyes closed waiting for his response.
"I'm so happy for you my love" he says pulling me even closer as he starts leaving sweet kisses on my shoulder.

Friday 14th October 2022
Phycologist office

They are outside the phycologist office waiting for Lydia's turn. Charles wanted to make her feel more comfortable so he insisted accompanying her even though she told him one million times that he didn't have to.

To say that Lydia is stressed is the least. She is not only anxious but also something else. She doesn't know what it is. Fear? Sadness?

Suddenly she feels his hand on her knee making her leg stop shaking.
"Sorry. I hadn't realized I was doing that" she says turning to look at him.
"Are you okay?" He whispers.
"Yes. Just a little bit anxious. I've never done this before"
"Relax" he says taking her hand in his, interwinding their fingers together.
"Everything is going to be okay and if it doesn't I will be here, waiting for you" he says giving her a comforting smile.

She smiles back but before she has the chance to speak, the door of the office opens and a lady comes outside. Then another lady, who Lydia has figured out is the phycologist assistant, gets up from her desk. Lydia's eyes are glued to her, observing every motion.

"Lydia Hatzi" the woman shouts and Lydia gets up and the wormth and safety she felt from Charles hand has gone now. Her mind is only focused on the assistant.
"That's me" Lydia says.
"Dr. Dumont is ready to see you now. Follow me" see says.

USA GP
Sunday 23rd October 2022
Race

"And Lydia Hatzi wins. Another victory for the Red Queen"

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Hi! Hope everyone is doing okay!

I just wanted to remind you that they're are still 2 more Chapters until the book ends!!

I'm stuck between 2 endings. Should there be a happy ending or a bad ending? Comment bellow what you think!

P.s Please comment and vote!

-Red