Angel

Chapter 27

"I love you, Nessa."

Those words had been all I needed to feel full again. To feel like I was worth something.

It's funny - because apparently those words were never true. They were lies. Just like when they came out of my mom's mouth, and my dad's - and Brad's. Everyone.

Everyone has betrayed me. What is there to do now?

Stare at the blue walls of my room while my thoughts attack me. That's all I could do.

All I could do was sit there and think about every single good time we had together. All of those emotions he had for me, they were fake.

Well, maybe he did like me in the beginning, but I don't think that it was ever love.

But, I'll tell you, the feelings I had definitely weren't fake. If they were I wouldn't be holding my tears in. There wouldn't be any pain. This wouldn't feel like a stab in the heart.

I don't want to eat; I have no appetite. I don't want to talk to anyone. Hell, I don't even want to see anybody.

I laid on my bed, curled into a ball with tears silently rolling down my cheeks.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop them, but it didn't work. They wanted out.

"Vanessa," a voice suddenly said behind me.

I knew it was Zack, but I didn't know what to do.

Part of me wanted to ignore him. Part of me wanted to scream at him and punch him in the face. Part of me wanted to apologize for even coming into his life.

I slowly uncurled myself and sat up, quickly wiping the tears away.

"You don't have to talk to me," I said, my voice shaking from the tears. "You don't have to come in here and try to apologize or make it official that we're no longer a thing. I know that you would rather be off with your new girlfriend."

He shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Ana isn't my girlfriend. I still want you."

"Really? You still want me yet you go and make out with my new friend. I'm so done with the lies, Zack."

I was crying again, but now they were mainly tears of anger.

"I'm not fucking lying. I still like you. I still want you. But-" He stopped unexpectedly.

"But what?"

"But I want her more."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"I think we should part. I feel like it's best for us."

"No. See, it's best for you. I still love you. I know that you probably never actually loved me, but I was telling the truth when I said it back."

"I did at first, but my feelings changed. I'm sorry."

I stood up from the bed.

"Please just leave."

"I still care, and you're not okay."

"How do you expect me to be okay?" I practically screamed. "I just got dumped by the only thing that I had left."

"I'm not all you have. Don't even start with that."

"I've got a room in a hospital, yeah. But I don't have family that cares. Or a single friend. Or a boyfriend anymore."

"What else do you want? I can't help my damn feelings."

"I just want to be loved."

"You'll find someone better than me. You'll find someone that makes you happier."

"Yeah, right. Can you leave now?"

"Sure," he said, immediately turning around to leave. He stopped at the door before walking out.

"I know I'm kind of a jerk, but I'm sorry." With that, he left.

***

I was numb. The hours of crying, thinking, and staring at the wall let most of the feelings out.

I still felt empty. I felt like I no longer had a purpose, like I wasn't needed in this screwed up place we call our world.

I had gotten bored of the blue walls, so I decided it was time.

I made my way down that depressing hallway, looking straight ahead, ignoring all the chaos on each side of me.

A few nurses glanced at me. I could see it in the corner of my eye.

Of course, none of them thought anything of my strange attitude. Half of them didn't know me, being I was on a new floor.

One nurse asked where I was going, but I just kept staring ahead. I stayed silent.

I got to the elevator and stepped inside. I pressed the button I needed to push to get to my destination. Luckily there was no one to question me or annoy me on the elevator.

The dinging sound I now knew so well let me know it was almost over. I was walking closer and closer to death, and no one else knew it but me.

No one could stop me this time. No one could save me this time. No miracle could happen this time. Not today.

The breeze on the roof was strong. It blew my brown hair around wildly.

It was ironic. Life was moving so slow.

The city noises below. The honking cars and occasional sirens going off. The barely visible chatter. The hundreds of buildings.

It felt like I was on top of the world, even though I knew this was nothing compared to the beautiful skyscrapers of New York and what not.

I looked around at everything, taking it all in.

I was positive that I wanted to go. I was one hundred percent sure that it was my time to go.

As I walked closer to the edge of the roof, all the thoughts came back.

Several years ago. Brad and I laughing and smiling together.

The time he bought me flowers. That was the first time I felt special. I remember it so well.

Only weeks ago. Zack and I running through the woods, giggling and acting like kids again.

All the times he sat with me and made sure I was okay. All those times that he comforted me.

This was the part where my brain tried very hard to convince me not to go through with this. Must really suck for my brain, because I'm not turning back.

I stepped up onto the barrier built around the edge of the roof, obviously for safety. I looked down.

I wasn't even scared by what I saw. I almost smiled to myself at the sight of the concrete I was about to collide with only moments from now.

I thought about how people would react when they heard about my death. I thought about my funeral.

Nobody cared in the illustration I created in my head. Nobody showed up to my funeral, except for the ones who were basically forced.

I heard something behind me. On instinct I looked, and there was Zack, staring at me with terror in his eyes.

"Don't do it," he screamed at me. "Don't you dare do it, Nessa!"

"I'm sorry. But I've simply got nothing to live for."

He made the tears come back.

"I need you."

"No you don't. You've got Ana now. Goodbye," I whispered, unable to talk loudly because of the sobs I was holding inside.

I took a deep breath and stepped off the roof.

The last thing I heard was a scream. I felt the crash.

Then the lights went out.