Angel

Epilogue

The funeral went as unexpected.

As I laid in the casket, dressed in a blue dress and my face covered in makeup, maybe one hundred people walked around, visiting with each other and mourning over my death.

Of course, they only pretended to care. None of them really wanted to be here.

People walked over to look at me. They all had this look on their face, like they expected me to open my eyes and come back to life. A few of them even started to cry.

Even though there were tons of people here, the one that I really wanted to see hadn't appeared yet.

Zack.

On one hand, I thought he would come, but on the other, I didn't. He was probably busy with Ana in the hospital. Or maybe he was out now, helping his dad with the cases again.

It was kind of boring, actually. I had to lay there and watch as people accepted that I was gone.

My parents were talking to everybody as they arrived. My dad wasn't that emotional about this. My brothers didn't exactly understand what was going on. But Julie cried. She cried for a long time, and I didn't understand it at all.

My mom wasn't here, as she was confined to her jail cell. My dad had called her the day I died, to let her know. I still didn't know what her reaction had been.

It was weird. I was dead, but I could see the things around me. It was limited, though. It's not like I could see everything.

I closed my dead eyes, tired of the scene around me.

When I opened them back up, he was there, dressed in a dark grey suit and a light blue tie. Standing in the crowd or people, looking like an odd ball.

He was looking around at all the people. He looked uncomfortable and shocked. He looked like he couldn't stand to be here.

He went and sat on a floral print couch in the room. He remained there with his head in his hands.

The dead me wanted to cry. I probably hurt him, even if he didn't love me anymore. If this had to be hard on anyone, it would be him.

I watched him the whole time.

After a while, people began to leave one by one, but he just stayed seated on that couch, every now and then putting his head back in his hands.

I could see the tears in his eyes. I could see the hurt on his face. I could see the stress from the way he was sitting and the extreme bags under his eyes.

Everyone was gone except for him and my immediate family about an hour later.

My dad walked over to the couch and plopped down next to him. I could hear their whole conversation loud and clear.

"We are about to clean up and leave. You can stay as long as you want. They'll lock up whenever you leave," my Dad told him, trying to keep his tone as comforting as possible.

"I'm going to stay. I'm going to talk to her, give my dues. She deserves it."

Dad nodded.

"Okay, well we are going to start cleaning up."

My dad rose from the couch and left the room without waiting for a reply from Zack.

Zack stared straight ahead and sighed. He stood up and looked over at me in my casket.

He put his head down to look back at the floor and began to make his way towards me.

Once he got to the casket, he completely broke down.

Tears began to dance across his cheeks. He was slightly sobbing and struggling to breath.

He closed his eyes and turned his head away from me. After calming down a bit, he turned back.

"It's all my fault. I'm the reason this is happening. I'm the reason you're no longer breathing," he said through the sniffles. "And I can't do a damn thing about it."

He went silent for a few seconds.

"You know, you caused a huge scene. A million cops came when you - jumped. And Dr. Pasterik is still quiet and shocked. Cleaning out your hospital room wasn't exactly easy. To see all your stuff abandoned, it hurt."

He took a deep breath.

"I want you back," he said, his voice shaky. "I miss you, and I know you think I'm a jerk. I know I screwed up. But I want it all to be okay again. I want you in my arms. I want to see you smile again. I can't get the image of you on the edge of that roof out of my head."

He started to sob again. He fell to his knees.

"I can't do this. I can't look at your lifeless face and wallow in regret and guilt."

He got back up.

"I'm going to leave you behind. I'm going to let you go," he said, staring right at my eyelids. "But you can't ever forget that I loved you. You can't sit in heaven or wherever we end up and think that I didn't care because I did."

He bent over me and kissed my cold lips.

"Goodbye, Nessa," he whispered.

I watched as he closed his eyes and left the room. I watched as he exited the funeral home. I watched as he walked through the parking lot to his old, beat-up truck. I watched as he cranked it up and drove away.

It was officially over, and I was glad.

This was what I wanted for months now. To be gone. To be away from all the shit the world had put on me.

My dream had finally come true. The collision with the asphalt had crushed every bone in my body to pieces. It damaged several of my organs. It broke my neck instantly, and my skull. It did what I wanted it to do: killed me.

I guess my first attempt really was supposed to fail. If it didn't, I would have never known the truth about Zack's feelings. Or what his true dreams had been. Or that I had an enlarged heart. Or that my family definitely didn't care. Or that the hospital was my true home.

But you know what they say.

Second time's a charm.