Cut & Abandoned (Lesbian Story)

14

Tara and I have been dating for a week now. Yep, a week. Not much actually happened. During school I got some rude looks and people seemed pretty weirded out that I was talking to Hudson now too. I won't have to see that though for two more weeks. But things have been better than before. My step dad hasn't even tried to come after me and that's an amazing bonus of living here. Other than, of course, being with my best friend and my girlfriend.

I haven't stopped smoking as hard as I may try. I used to smoke a pack and a half every week but now I'm down to one cigarette a day. So not even half a pack in a week. And when it comes to cutting... well that hasn't stopped either. I still feel dirty and as often as Tara tells me I don't believe that I'm amazing, or beautiful, or smart. I can never be as great as she is and since she isn't mean to me I guess I'm taking it upon myself to do it.

The weather was amazing today and Tara tried to get me to go swimming with her, Ray, and Hudson. She had on a puppy dog face and was begging me to go but I couldn't. I can't wear swimsuit or else all my cuts will show. I turned her down by lying and saying that I wasn't feeling too hot. She seemed really sad about it and wished for me to feel better. When they were about to leave Hudson whispered something into Ray's ear and then ran back over to me and waved goodbye to them.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "There leaving you!"

"I know. I told Ray I'd catch up with them in a bit. I need to talk to you right now."

"Me? Why?" I can't think of any reason why Hudson would need to talk to me.

"Because I think I know what you're doing." He said.

"Doing?" I'm not doing anything. Well besides cutting and smoking but no way does he know about that. I don't let anyone know about that.

"Alexandria there are a few things I don't tell many people about. One, that I'm the atheist son of two highly religious Christians. Two, that I'm gay. And the third is that I've made some mistakes that I really regret."

"What are you talking about Hudson?"

"Why won't you go swimming?"

"I told Tara-"

"The truth Alex." Hudson gave me that knowing look and I gulped.

"I... I can't..."

"I know about what happened with you and how bad of a life you've had. No one can go through that without some sort of release. Let it be music, or writing, or something more... harmful."

I looked down and tried to focus on the details of the couch. Just look at the pattern. Don't even start to cry.

"I'm sure this is a sensitive subject and it always will be but I understand. There's a fourth you know."

"Fourth?"

"A fourth thing that I don't tell many people. I don't talk about what happened at my old high school and before that. I don't like to bring up the memories of 8th, 9th, and 10th grade."

"So why are you bringing it up?" I asked.

"Because I think you need to hear this. During 8th grade I found out I was gay. I told my best friend and he hated me for it. Thought I had a big gay crush on him. So I was alone the rest of the year. 9th grade came and I thought maybe I can make a new friend. I didn't know that he had started telling people about me. So when I walked in the school I got beat up. The jocks started calling me a fag everyday and would punch me on the shoulder when they walking by in the halls. I was already really upset about being alone and my ex best friend hating me so when you adding the bullying to it... I messed up. I started to cut. I did until the end of 10th grade. Then my parents found out. I told them about the bullying and about my being gay. The supported me and helped me stop cutting and we moved away from that town. And I started school here without being bullied and even got a boyfriend."

"I'm so sorry that happened to you Hudson. You're so happy and nice. I'd never guess."

"Because I'm over it. I don't cut anymore or get bullied and I've got someone I love. I wanted for you to hear that so you could know that I understand how it feels when you cut. How much of a release it is. But it won't help anything. It'll only make you feel worse and not allow you to do things, like swim, because you can't let people see the scars."

"I don't-"

"Yes you do. I've seen you hold your arm, most likely trying to make it stop hurting or trying not to scratch it."

A tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away. "Where are your cuts?"  He's wearing a short sleeve t-shirt and shorts so he didn't cut his arms I don't guess.

He pulled up his shorts to show his thighs and you could see the faint lines. They were small and healed. But I know how to spot cuts and those were definitely created by a blade. They were lighter than the rest of his skin. He pulled up his shirt and I saw more lines on his stomach.

"I didn't cut my arms. I wanted to make sure they weren't seen. A failed attempt though since my mom walked in when I was changing my shirt and saw the stomach cuts."

I took off the jacket I had on and showed him my arms. Then the few lines on my stomach. Then the few on my thighs. I zipped my pants back up, pulled down my shirt, and was going to put on my jacket when he stopped me. He pulled me in for a hug and it was the first time in a long time that I felt something touch my arms besides a blade or a jacket.

"I can't stop Hudson. I can't."

"Don't say that. It's hard but it's not impossible. But first you need something to hold onto. Something that makes you wantto stop."

"Tara." I didn't even have to think about it. If I would stop for someone, it'd be Tara. Oh and- "You and Ray too."

He smiled. "If you have people you want to stop for it will be easier. If you ever feel like you're going to cut or you just really feel that you have to,  text me or call me. I will be there for you."

"Thank you Hudson. You should go though. Ray and Tara will be waiting there for you."

"Alright. See you later Alex." He gave me another hug and walked off.

I put the jacket back on and walked off to the room Tara and I shared. I sat on the bed and just looked around at everything while I thought about what Hudson just said. Saying I'll stop for them will make it easier to stop, wont it? I guess I could try. Starting today I promise not to cut.

Of course I've never been good at keeping promises.