Bliss (kimchay)

chapter 10

"... But I'm glad he changed his mind. That baby is a blessing, " she said

"You don't have to worry about people owning about him, we assure the privacy of our patience. She smiled reassuringly . " well, if you have more questions I will be in my office. The nurse will bring you to the nursery so you can see your baby. If you excuse me, "she looks at the nurse indicating for her to lead me. I nod to the doctor in thanks as I followed the nurse. 

My heart skipped a beat when I saw the little baby with porschay name, sleeping peacefully in the nursery room the doctor is right he's perfectly wonderful. I don't understand my self but the moment I saw him. I felt like something is pulling me to him. There's a unfamiliar warmth within me that I can't comprehend. I don't know how long I've been staring at him from the glass window when someone's talk to me. 

" oh, you look dazed, "said the man beside me as he stared I side too. But I didn't respond. " must be your first baby, Huh, well, they said that I looked like that too when I have my first baby. The feeling is so wonderful. I couldn't look away from her. Anyway lucky you, you still have him, "that is all he said  then walked away. What a strange man, but what does he mean by that? Maybe he lost his baby, that's why. I remembered that the doctor said that they almost fail to save them, what if they died? 

I feel as sudden pang in my heart. I shook my head. I shouldn't be thinking that way! The baby is not even- wait. 

Then realization struck me. I didn't think about it before. Given that he's been pregnant and give birth to a baby boy, but who the hell's the  father? Is it the guy who visited him? Fuck! So he's been whoring himself huh?! No way, I'm not letting him go, now that I finally caught him back. Shit! What the 'am thinking? I hate what I'm feeling, I feel weird fuck, I hate the thought of him being with other man. No! I'm not gay, it must be because he escaped me that he shouldn't be... Arhg! Damn my head is aching! I'm not a fag! I can't be and will never be! Damn, what kind of curse he give me? 

Thinking me with another man is fucking disgusting but shit! Why 'am confuse when its him? ! 

"Excuse me, sir," I snapped out with my thought when the nurse taps my shoulder. "Would you like to see you're wif- err... H-husband? Your baby will be taken there soon, " she said awkwardly. I nod in response, "then please follow me, "

I looked back once more to the sleeping baby before following the nurse silently. 

(Kimhan's p.o.v.) 

My heart sinks the moment I saw him in the bed motionless. He looked so pale. . Y eyes landed on his face. The one I blindly carved with my own fucking hand out of anger! I started to feel guilty. Damn, I'm not used to this kind of emotion. But the hell, if only I could bring back time I've never even dared to mark his beautiful skin. 

I look over his thin body. Knowing that even that place is marred by scars. 

I step beside his bed when the door opened. A nurse walked to me carrying porschay's son. I stare at him as the nurse hand him to me but I hesitated.  I don't know what to do. I've never held such a delicate child and I'm afraid that he might fall if I ever hold him. 

"Don't worry sir, it's alright to hold him he won't fall, " said the nurse. 

My hands were sweaty as the nurse put him in my arms  gently. Then as if on cue, he opened his eyes revealing his brown eyes that match porschay's like he's in a new world. Fuck these overwhelming feelings, I don't care it feels good! This must be how a father's felt when they hold their child for the first time. Shit I'm not even his father yet... No! I mightbe feeling this way because some how I just want to have my own family and if it wasn't for that fa- I mentally shook my head.  I shouldn't be thinking about this now. 

I didn't even notice that the nurse left already if the baby I'm holding didn't star to cry. I panicked;he looked on his side as if knowing that it's his mother. 

I sat on the chair beside porschay's bed so the baby could have a better look at his "mother". It feels uncomfortable calling him a mother but what else should I call him? 

I racked him slowly like what I saw on television and miraculously he stopped crying. He stared back at me with his tear-stained eye, damn his eyes remind me of porschay's when he cries.