The King's Angel

Chapter 1: Story Of Our Life

"Love yourself so that others know how to love you.."

   So many times I have wondered into knowing the truth. Especially as an over-thinker. I do this shit for a living. The church can't help me, the school and it's fucked up system can't help me, my family won't help me. I am the help, I am the back up. I am the healer.. but when will I ever get the full chance of getting healed?

   I love everyone but who will actually love me? I wonder this everyday but still to this day no answer. What does it take? I'm trying my hardest not to be like the rest of the world. But temptation is a bitch within itself. Does it take me to cry my eyes out to the ones who break my heart? Tell them once again why I fell apart? Only to be left alone again with an ache in my heart? I don't think so.

   I was taught to keep it bottled in no matter how heavy that weight got on me. No one needs to know just how bad I want to be set free. But here I am still being peoples light in their times of darkness. Still helping them with a smile on my face, heart so pure hate can't get close to me. Yet once again here in my bed I lay thinking and wondering. When will I ever get the chance to be free?

  Imagine living with your family and knowing they don't want you. Your own brother hates you but loves you when you have something. Can't even be loved properly because I've never had a family to show me what that even means. Over thinking in my head tryna figure out what love really means. And why does it never work out for me. But truly, I thought no one would ever love me.

  They say you're body is a temple. So I guess with these guys I'm about to start playing temple run. Running away from them is like running away from the beast. Why am I running away from my temple if my temple is me? You can never be truly free. But you can be happy and that's something I didn't understand. Thinking of suicide trying to hold someone's hand. When I land.. I hope I land on my legs. But the world don't like me so I guess it's time to see what's next. Because honestly if we die we're not even dead. We will be resurrected into another body instead.

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What have I been doing wrong? Everyone wonders why I don't pick up the phone. I like to be alone. No responsibilities for the people who try to play with my heart. Because I've had it played so many times. No love for these bitches just lies. People wonder why I'm not surprised. We're human all of us lie, sometimes it just helps and is easier to hide. To hide what we feel inside.

I just wanna bitch who gone ride. But I wonder why? Why do I do the things I do? When I could've had a life so blissful to consume. I'm no writer but these words I speak means something to me. I'm hiding away my heart because of the darkness that lurks inside. Trying to hold myself up with all this pride. I know I... could've , would've , and almost died. Even the doctors said I shouldn't have survived.

What more can I give to a person who doesn't love me? Why should I set them free without some heartache? Help them become unable to breathe. Maybe I should knock their lights out and make them unable to see. They say I'm a womanizer, what do they mean? I only do to them what they do to me. I just want someone who gone ride to the end and hold it down when they with me. Because I feel like the world is against me. No one knows what a nigga goes through. All the shit we gotta see and think and the mindset they teach us to withhold.

We can either have the guns in our hands or the knives to our throats. I am by far the only person I know to hold both weapons and survive hatred in many blows. As blessed as I am, I can't help wanting to know. Why am I the way I am? Discussing words to a person about my feelings have never been easy. But the more I do it the less I trust and I have many reasons. Let me go and let me be, like a honey bee going from pollinated leaf to leaf. I just need to go I just need to breathe.