Society | A Evan Lennon Story

13 - Relax

I'm off the bed sometime after it happened. I just barely manage to buckle my belt. At some point, I saw her leave but I still just laid there. All I could do was lay there. I glance back at the alarm clock, it's blurry, but I can read it's 1am. I leave. I walk downstairs but stop midway down because I need to clear my head. I attempt to erase what happened but I can't, it's engraved in my mind, what I remember anyway and it's playing over and over again, is this how it's always going to be? I start walking again. I stop and look into the dining room, where I remember last seeing Kate, she's still there, having a good time. I can't burden her with this, so I make my way through the people in the corridor until I'm out of the house. The whole way home, I try not to think about it but I can only do just that; my brain won't shut off. I don't realize that I'm crying until I bring a hand to my face, there's no sound, just silent tears. I walk through the front door and go upstairs to my room. I shut the door and pull off my jumper, then I toss it on the floor. I sit on my bed and stare down at my lap. There's more silent tears running down my face and I want to wipe them away but I don't want to touch myself, I feel disgusting and a part of me feels like I deserve to feel this pain because I should've done more. I should've done so much more. I stand and unbuckle my belt so I can get undressed. I change into clothes I don't feel so disgusting in and I take my old clothes downstairs and I toss them into the trash, pants and all. I don't want to wear any of it anymore, not when they're washed, not years from now, ever. I go back upstairs and I sit back down. Minutes, maybe hours later, the front door opens and closes. Then, my door opens. I don't look up. "Why didn't you tell anyone you were leaving? I looked around for you for like half an hour, Evan." Kate says, her voice suggesting she was annoyed with me. "You couldn't text me?" She asks.

"..My phone died." I say, my voice is quiet and probably sounds drained, maybe still a little slurred.

"You were drinking tonight, weren't you? You know mum would kill us both if she knew-"

"Kate, I'm really not in the mood to be getting a lecture from you right now. Can you please just leave me alone?"

It's silent until she asks, "Are you okay?"

"Please just leave me alone..." I say, this time sounding more desperate and drained. It's silent again, but eventually, she leaves. I exhale shakily and slowly lean back until my back hits the bed and I'm staring up at the ceiling. This must be how it feels to want to die.

It's the next morning, I didn't sleep, I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I seen her and I felt like I was back there, scared and completely fucking helpless. I was so helpless. I don't want to get out of bed, so I simply don't. Some time passes and I hear my door open. "Evan, sweetie, breakfast is ready." My mum says. I don't say anything. My backs to her, but I still pretend to be asleep because I don't want to hear the question, are you okay, which I never knew to be so suffocating and dreadful before. "Evan?" I feel her hand on my shoulder. I try not to flinch. I want to yell at her to not touch me, which I never wanted to do before. She sighs and kisses my head before she leaves. I sigh in relief. How much longer will I feel like this?

Kate

Mum walks downstairs as I sit at the table. "He's still sleeping." She says to dad.

He sighs and says, "Alright. I'll try to get him up."

"He's probably just tired, we didn't leave Bella's until like 2 in the morning." I say, obviously that's not true, but I didn't want to say he was hungover because that would result in both of us getting in trouble. They look at me.

Dad nods. "Alright. Let's let him sleep."

Evan

It's Monday. I didn't get out of bed at all yesterday, I just slept the whole day away. Obviously, I was checked on every couple of hours but I wasn't asked questions about Saturday night, which I appreciated. I didn't plan on getting out of bed today either, but Kate dragged me out. When we get to school, I go to get out of the car, but she locks the door and says, "Uh uh, tell me whats going on with you." I don't respond. I don't look at her either. "Seriously, Evan, come on, you didn't get out of bed at all Saturday or Sunday and you haven't said any more than three words to us." She paused. "Is this about the party?" She asks. I stare out the window then I look down. "Did something happen?"

"No..."

"Fucks sake, Evan, don't lie!" She snaps, probably in frustration with me. "Tell me what happened."

I can hear in her tone that she's serious and I know she won't let me out of this car until I tell her something. So, I say, "I had a fight with Bella."

"You mean to tell me this whole thing is about the girl who cheated on you twice?" I don't say anything. She sighs. "Don't get sad over her, she's not worth your time, Evan." She unlocks the car. "I'm sure things will be back to normal soon enough. Relax." My breath stops.

"Relax."

"We're just having fun."

I finally look at her but when I do, it's all blurry because there's tears in my eyes and I'm angry. She's looking at me, I can see it in her face, concern. "Fuck you." Is all I say before I hurry to get out of the car.

"Evan!"

I keep walking. I walk through the school gate and into the school. Why did I say that? I would never say that. It just slipped out before I had time to think about it. Why am I being so weird and angry? I don't want to feel like this anymore.