Society | A Evan Lennon Story

16 - Like Full On Breakdown

I sit with Bella for half an hour without saying a word to her or about the party because I don't want anything to happen like what happened in the consular's office earlier today. I don't want to be taken as a joke. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" She asks.

"Nothing's going on."

"Really? Because you just had a panic attack and I have never seen you panicked before." I stare down at my hands. I don't respond. "I'm worried about you." She says after a second of silence. "I want to know what I can do to help."

I look at her. "You can't help." I say. "This isn't something you can just fix, it can't just go away, I-" I pause and take a deep, shaky breath. "I can't stop myself from thinking about it and that makes me want to die." Bella stares at me, eyes wide and full of tears, but I can't look away. I want her to understand she really can't help me. "I just want to die."

"..Evan..." She takes my hand. "I'm not going anywhere. You can talk to me, I can just listen." She says.

I shake my head. "Just leave me alone..." I stand and turn and walk away.

"Evan!"

I keep walking. I don't know what to do. Am I doing the right thing shutting everyone out? Lying to them? I feel like shit. I walk through the door and pass my parents in the foyer. I know they're looking at me, wanting to say something, but I keep walking until I'm upstairs and in my room. I sit against the closed door and pull up my sleeve. I stare at my bandaged arm that was stained with blood. I remove the bandages and take the first aid kit from underneath my desk that was next to me and I take the pair of scissors from inside. I make a cut, then two, then three. I don't stop until I feel okay. I bandage my arm back up and watch as the blood begins to seep through. I pull down my sleeve and exhale shakily as I toss my head back against the door. I don't want this to be my life, but it feels like it's the only thing I can do to feel okay now. After today, I feel worse than ever, not worse than when it happened, I don't think I could ever feel worse than that. Why did this happen to me? I've done nothing to deserve this, so why me? I don't understand... I hear a knock. "Evan?" I don't respond. "Evan, open up." I stand and turn and open the door. I meet eyes with Kate. "Hey. Can I come in?" She asks. I nod. She walks in and shuts the door. She takes my arm and pulls me over to the bed and we sit. She looks at me. I look down. "I just talked to Bella, she said you wanted to.. die, is that true?" She asks, her voice low and hesitate. I nod. She lets out a shaky breath and says, "You need to tell me what's going on with you." It goes quiet for a minute and she says, "If you don't, I'll tell mum and dad about what Bella said."

"..I can't." I say.

"Yes, you can. Please, Evan. It's driving me nuts not knowing what's going on. I want to be there for you." I look at her. Her eyes are full with desperation. "Please..." Her voice breaks.

I look down. "At Bella's party, the reason I left was because upstairs.. I was trying to sleep off however much alcohol I had that night and a girl walked in. She.. she ra-" I inhale deeply and shakily. I look at her, hoping she would know what I was getting at, but she stares at me, waiting for me to continue. I look back down. I'm crying again now, like full on breakdown and I say, "I was raped." I bring my hands to my face and cry harder. Kate takes me in her arms. She holds me tight, like I would disintegrate at any moment. I wish I would.