Society | A Evan Lennon Story

18 - In The Back Of My Mind

Celeste

"Thank you." I say as the waitress walks away to put in our order. I let my eyes wander the area in front of me but I'm not looking for anything in particular. I turn my head to look at Zamora, she's staring over at our table. I lean back to see what exactly she was looking at and I see Evan pressed against Barrett with this sort of sad, lonely look on his face. Then, I look at Zamora.

"He looks so.. sad..." She says.

My eyes shift over at the boys again and I feel my heart become heavy. She's right. He's sad and no one knows why. It's killing me to see Evan this way because he doesn't deserve to feel this, he doesn't deserve to know what sadness feels like. He hasn't told anyone about what happened, that I know of, and we're all really worried about him, I think, Barrett more than anybody else because he's seen this look before, out of everyone I know, Barrett knows more than anyone how it feels to want to die, he knows that's what Evan is feeling right now and has been since Bella's party. He wants to be there for him, we all do, but we don't know how to because he won't tell us what's wrong and that's scary because we're all really afraid that he'll.. that he'll try to hurt himself, that he'd rather kill himself than tell us what happened, which scares me even more because that tells me that whatever it is it's bad. "Yeah..." I finally say.

Evan

My friends are talking, but I'm not listening. I'm not eating either. I was supposed to be splitting my chips with Barrett but like I said, I wasn't eating. And I know he noticed, but chose not to mention it because that's who Barrett is, whether it was his anxiety or his respect for boundaries, it was just who he is. "Evan, have you spoken to Coach Jacobs?" Celeste asks. I look up. She speaks again once she realizes I wasn't going to speak. "Z and I overheard him talking to the headmaster, said you've been skipping practice since, uh, y'know.. the party and he's worried that you'll lose your scholarship."

I look down as I take my cup into my hand, but make no attempt to move it or drink out of it. "It doesn't matter." I suddenly feel their eyes on me but I continue anyway. "I don't think I'm playing rugby anymore." I say.

"What? But that's your future." Zamora says, her voice full of disbelief.

"Yeah, Evan, seriously, that's what you wanted to do since like year 8." Celeste says. I feel myself getting angry. "You have a full-ride to go to Kent, you're really just gonna give up your entire future? Your dream?" She asks.

I feel myself getting angrier now and I don't know what to do about it but before I can decide, words spit out like word vomit. "It's not really any of your business what I do with my life, is it?" I spat out as my head snaps up at them. It's silent and I look down again.

"Evan-"

"I'm going home." I say and I stand.

"Evan, I didn't mean-"

"It's fine." I say in a low voice, then I leave. I feel bad for snapping out but I don't do anything about it, I just keep walking no where in particular. I hear the diner door open then frantic steps but I don't look back or even stop.

"Evan!" They say. It's Zamora. I keep walking. "Hey." I stop, but only because she grabs my shoulder. I turn, but don't look up. "You can talk to us, you know? We want to be there for you. We want you to be okay." She says, making sure to sound sincere but it still comes out frantic and worried.

"I'm fine."

"You're not though." She says. "And it's okay to not be okay, but in order to heal, you have to admit to yourself that you're not okay and let somebody help you, whether it's us or a teacher or your family.. you can't go on shutting us out because- because we're not going to give up on you. I'm not going to give up." I stand there a moment longer and when she doesn't say anything else, I turn and walk again. She leaves me alone after that, probably going back inside because she got out what she needed to say. I know she's right but I don't see anyone understanding what I went through, not anyone I know anyway. I know Barrett understands how I feel even though I didn't say anything to him about how I've been feeling, but that ends at that, he doesn't know what it's like to be assaulted, neither does Celeste or Zamora or Kate or Bella. I don't know how to feel really but I hope someday I will. The funny part about that is, I don't remember how it feels to be happy, I don't remember what life was like before the assault, all I know now is.. well, this. I only know how it feels to feel like this. Miserable. Wanting to die. The anxiety. But yet, I still feel hopeful that I'll remember the happy, the careless, friendly me, I think that version of me is still there, in the back of my mind. Maybe, that's why I can't admit to anyone or myself that I'm not okay. I don't know. I walk through the front door and find myself staring at my mum across the way, in the corridor. She's staring at me, eyes wide and full of tears, then she looks down. I walk further into the room, stepping into the living room, and I see my dad, he's staring down at his intertwined hands as he slouches on the couch. My eyes shift over to Kate, who's staring at me with this sort of apologetic look on her face. And that's when I realize, they knew...