Society | A Evan Lennon Story

14 - That Same Look

I walk into form and I take my seat. I don't say anything to anyone, I just put my head down. I know Barrett and Celeste are staring at me but I don't care, I just simply can't care enough to make the effort to make up some excuse like I'm tired from studying all night or I'm hungover, I don't have the energy to lie to them. I don't have the energy to do anything. And at lunch, I don't eat, I don't even sit with my friends because I know if I did, they would ask me questions like if I'm okay and if I wanted to talk about it and I didn't need that. I don't do any of my coursework. I don't go to practice. I don't make any plans with my friends. I don't even take a ride with Kate home, I walk because I need to clear my head, which was a big waste of time, it didn't work. I was glad to not see the girl from the party at school today like I have been the last couple of days or was it weeks? I don't know. Who cares. I hope to not see her again tomorrow or for the rest of my life. It's kinda funny. Just a couple of days ago, my only concerns in life was passing my classes and keeping my scholarships and keeping my friends and family happy and safe, now they're if I'll survive another day without going through with these dark thoughts. I walk through the door and toward the stairs. "Evan, sweetie, are you hungry?" I don't respond. I go up to my room and shut the door and sit on my bed. I wonder if I make myself hurt, will it make everything better? Will things be okay? I gulp hard. I stand and sit at my desk. I pull open the drawer and take out a pair of scissors and I use them to cut myself. I feel okay, for just a moment, I felt okay. I exhale shakily and cut myself again. I don't realize that I'm crying until tears fall onto my arm but I don't stop because I so desperately want to feel okay. I drop the scissors onto the desk and stare down at my arm, blood dripped down onto the floor from the countless cuts I had just made. I sort of feel like things will be okay but I know I won't feel like this later, I know it's only because of what I did I feel like this. There's a knock on my door. I flinch. "Evan, your friends are here." Mum says.

"Okay. I'll be down in a sec." I frantically say.

"..Okay."

I wait until I hear her footsteps fade away before I stand and leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom. I take a washcloth and press it against my arm and begin a search for the first aid kit. Once I find it, I take the bandages from inside and put the kit back and go back into my room where I bandage my arm. I pull on a jumper to hide the bandages and go downstairs. "Hey." I say.

"Hey. You doing okay?" Celeste asks. I nod.

"Are you sure? You weren't acting yourself at school. Bella said you missed practice too."

I look at Barrett, who hasn't spoken yet. When I look at him, he has this hurt look of realization on his face. I look into the next room and I see as my parents look away from me, they were clearly listening in. I look back at my friends and say, "I'm fine." Then I look down. It's silent. Some time passes, I don't know how long, but no one speaks, so I say, "I'm tired." I turn and walk upstairs to my room. I hear a conversation start about me but I don't care. I walk into my room and shut the door and sit at my bed then I lay back. I feel bad again.

Barrett

I stare toward the stairs, still in a state of shock and fear. I know the look Evan had in his eyes, I know because I had it too, the look of wanting to die. "Barrett." I look toward the kitchen. Celeste, Zamora, Kate, and Evan's parents watch me. "How was Evan at the party? He was with you for it, right?" Celeste asks.

I nod slowly. "Erm.. partially, yeah."

"Was Evan drinking?" His mum asks.

I look to Kate, she nods. I look back at his mum and say, "Yeah, most of us were. There was a lot of games and Evan got pretty drunk, but then, he sorta just disappeared..." I pause to look at each of them, they were waiting for me to continue, so I do. "But before he was fine, he was acting himself, then this morning he didn't talk to either me or Celeste and he skipped lunch and he just seemed like, I don't know, really sad all of a sudden." I finish.

No one speaks until Kate says, "He told me it was because him and Bella got into a fight, but I don't believe that anymore. He snapped at me and he never snaps on anyone, not without reason anyway."

"What did you say to make him snap?" Celeste asks.

"Nothing, I just told him to relax after he was beating himself up over the alleged fight with Bella."

"But something had to have happened at the party if he's been like this since you gotten home, Kate."

"Have you asked Bella?"

"She said she hadn't seen him since they talked when he arrived." I wander off after that. I go upstairs.

Evan

There's a knock on my door. I don't answer it or even say anything. But they come in anyway. I look over my shoulder at the person who walked in, it's Barrett. I still don't speak and he doesn't either. I look away. I hear footsteps then I see Barrett in my view again. He sits down and turns to face me as he lays down. We stare at each other until I look down. Neither of us speak, though I feel a bit better knowing he was there by my side.