Society | A Evan Lennon Story

17 - I Find Comfort With Him

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Kate asks me after several minutes of her just holding me as I pathetically weep in her arms.

I stare down, not wanting to say anything, but I do anyway. "Because I didn't want to be not believed." I look at her. "And it still hurts to talk about." I add. She gives me this pitiful look that makes me want to cry again and I'm not sure why. I want to ask whether she believes me or not but before I can get the chance, my phone buzzes underneath me. I break away from her gaze and sit up, so I can take my phone from my back pocket and I sit back down. I stare down at my phone but before I read anything, I wipe my eyes of any tears, then I read the text I received from Celeste.

nando's in 15? everyone misses you. 5:38pm.

I just stare at the text, reading the second part over and over again. My thumbs are in position to text back, but I don't know what to say. I would like to go but at the same time, I wouldn't. I don't want to bring everyone down because I know I'll be miserable, but maybe being alone will be just as miserable if not more. I don't know.

"Evan." I look at Kate. She smiles through her very visible pain and says, "You should go." I process this, realizing she saw the text from Celeste. She continues. "It'll be good for you. Being with friends." I stare at her for a moment then I nod and look back down. She squeezes my shoulder before she stands, but upon leaving, she turns and says, "I'm really glad you told me." I look up. "I won't tell mum and dad. You should tell them when you're ready."

"Thank you." I say.

"And I'm here.. for anything." I nod. She nods. Then, she leaves. I look down and take a deep, shaky breath and I text back.

Sure. Be there soon. 5:45pm.

can't wait 🤍 5:45pm.

I drop my phone next to me and stand from my bed. I grab a jumper from where it laid across my desk chair and I pull it on. I sit to put my shoes on and I stand to grab my phone from my bed, then I leave. It's a slow walk but far from quiet, my mind wouldn't shut off. It keeps reminding me that I saw her today, and that I'll continue to run into her until the day we graduate, but honestly, I don't know if I'll make it to graduation at this point, I can't even see myself making it to 18. Do I even want to? I don't want to live with this constant reminder that I went through this terrible thing. I don't want to feel this pain, this overwhelming, aching pain that somehow simultaneously also felt empty. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. At some point, I reach Nando's. It's way past 15 minutes when I get there and when I walk in, I see my friends, who I've been purposely ignoring the last couple of days. I walk towards them, I catch Barrett's attention first, only because he sat towards me, while Zamora and Celeste sit opposite of him, but they look back, noticing Barrett's change in demeanor because he was looking at me with this sort of look that was sympathetic and like he didn't know what to say or do. I stand there. I look at the girls from Barrett. "Hey." I say. I know my voice sounds tired and defeated and probably barely audible, but they speak anyway.

"Hey." Celeste says, her voice soft and heavy with worry. Her mouth opens to speak again but she chooses against it, as it seems, she was probably going to ask how I was doing but realized it would've been better to simply not ask because she thought it was a stupid question.

Zamora didn't seem to think so because she asks, "How are you doing?"

I look to Celeste then at Barrett, they exchange looks, seemingly like they were the ones that asked the question and immediately regretted it after. I look at Zamora. "Alright.. I guess." She nods and smiles, but it's sympathetic. It leaves me feeling like I'm out of place, like me being here has killed the mood or whatever. I sit anyway. Barrett scoots in the booth, making room for me and I sit, our shoulders brushing up against each other. I find myself ever so slightly leaning toward him, so slightly that it's unnoticeable. It's quiet, unlike before when it was the loudest table in the diner when I walked in. I stare down at the table. There's crumbs and spots of stains, which I assume is soda or a milkshake. My eyes shift over to Barrett's hands in his lap, they're trembling with anxiety, it's slight but I notice. The old me would have taken his hands and smiled reassuringly at him, but I can't find the energy to do that now and that makes me feel like a bad friend. I look at my own hands, which also were in my lap, yet mine were still and rather stiff. I see the plasters on my wrists peeking out of the sleeves of my jumper, I don't move to attempt to pull them down because I doubt anyone's staring at my hands like I am now, maybe I wanted somebody to see them, maybe I wanted somebody to notice because I want to feel that warm feeling in my heart, that reminder that somebody cares, that warm feeling disappeared that night, that horrible, haunting night.

"So..." Celeste starts. I look up. "You wanna order shakes and chips?" She asks, her eyes moving from one person to the next but they stop on me.

"Sure."

"Yeah."

"Evan?" She calls out in a soft voice.

I nod slowly. "Sure." My voice is quiet. She nods and looks at Zamora. She tilts her head, gesturing for her to let her out and most likely to follow her to the counter. Zamora nods and slides out the booth and Celeste does the same, then they walk away. It's quiet again. I subconsciously lay my head against Barrett's shoulder, desperate for comfort, my mind knowing where- who'd I get it from with no questions asked. I feel a slight shift, like he was caught off guard but he relaxes and moves closer. I feel his hand take mine, but it's just his sleeve because Barrett always wore jumpers much too large for him. I smile because this is the first time I've felt okay without harming myself, being with Barrett makes me feel like things will be okay.