Society | A Evan Lennon Story

15 - Seeing Her Again

I knock on the door of the school counselor's office. It takes a second, but I hear her say, "Come in." I walk in. "Oh, Mr. Lennon, hi. Please, take a seat." I shut the door and walk over to the empty chairs in front of her desk and I sit down. "What brings you here?" She asks.

I look down. "I, uh, I've been.. I've found it difficult to be myself lately, if I'm being honest..."

"And why do you think that is?"

"Because I feel tired." I say.

"Tired of what?" She asks, her voice gentle and calm.

I gulp hard and shrug lightly. "Life, I guess." I say. "I've been lying to my friends and family about how I feel and that makes me feel shitty, like I'm a bad person."

"You're not a bad person." I look at her. "I believe nobody's a bad person until proven otherwise. And I can tell you, not wanting to worry the people you care deeply for doesn't make you a bad person." She smiles softly. "It just simply means you care." I stare at her but look down after a moment. I don't know what to say or think. Was what she said true? I don't know anymore. "Evan.." I look up. "What did you mean when you said you're tired of life?" She asks. My eyes become unfocused. She continues. "Did something happen that you would like to talk about?" I nod but I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to or not. That was my intentions for coming but now that I'm here, I feel like it was a mistake. I no longer feel ready to talk about it and I don't know if I ever will feel ready, so I guess I will now. "What is it?" She asks.

I look down. My heart races and my palms are sweaty and my hands are shaking. I have to do this. "I.." My voice is shaky and I feel uncomfortable and uneasy. "..I was.." I feel tears in my eyes. Spit it out already. "I was.." Why can't I say it? My words don't want to go any further. My mind doesn't want to think about it, it was like I had completely forgotten the word. She waits patiently. I inhale shakily and wipe a tear when it falls. "Saturday I was.. In the room, I was.. I was r-raped..." I finally get out. It's silent. I don't look up. It turns dreadful and I'm getting impatient.

Finally, she asks, "Erm.. W-What do you mean you were.. raped?"

I can hear it in her voice, she was uncomfortable and obviously thinking I was getting things confused. "I was at a friend's party and I went upstairs to rest when.. they walked in.. and they took advantage of me." I say, not capable of saying the word again.

"They took advantage of you how? Were you drinking?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember the encounter?"

"..Vaguely."

"So, how could you know it was rape? Maybe you wanted to and don't remember."

I look at her. "What..?"

"Maybe you drank too much, took somebody upstairs and started to.. y'know, fool around a bit and you're remembering it wrong."

I shake my head and sit up straight. "No, you don't understand, you're not listening." I say.

"Then help me understand."

"I was raped!" I shout. "I wanted to rest," I lean forward. "I just wanted to rest." I say this a bit louder so she understands and I say, "She walked in the room, locked the door, sat on top of me and didn't let me leave, I-I was barely fucking conscious, okay? I told her to get off and she didn't listen, she wasn't drunk, she was completely sober and she raped me." I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I just want her to understand.

She stares at me for a moment. She lets out a sort of nervous laughter and says, "I-I'm sorry, this is a first for me, I've never had a boy tell me something like this before. I'm trying to understand but I simply can't. Are you sure that's how it went down?"

I scoff. I can't believe this. "Fucking forget it..." I say. I stand as I grab my bag and I turn to leave.

"Mr. Lennon, please-"

I shut the door. I can't believe she actually laughed in my face. I feel crazy, like what I'm saying is a load of absolute bullshit. I know what happened, I don't want to but I do. I'm not making it up. I walk into the men's room and barge into a stall and drop my bag and sit down heavily. I throw my head in my hands and exhale shakily. I'm not crazy.

I walk past the school gate, but stop at the sound of Bella's voice. "Evan!" I hear her say. I slowly turn. She walks over to me. "Hey, where've you been? Your friends said you weren't in your classes today and you didn't show up for lunch or practice. Are you okay?"

I look down. "I'm fine."

"Evan Joseph Lennon." I look at her. "Don't lie to me." She's trying to be stern but she sounds ridiculous and it sort of makes me want to laugh. I haven't felt like that in a while. She smiles. "Oh, see? I got you to smile." I look away and she nudges me. I look at her again. "Come on, talk to me." She says. I go to speak, but my eyes wander and I see her. I see the girl from the party. My smile fades and my heart begins to race. "Evan?" Her words repeat in my mind over and over again. I see her hands, her face, her hair, her body. I want to throw up. "Evan?" I stare at her. She drowns in a haze and everything seems a bit like I'm about to die. I'm breathing shakily and it's fast, I'm sweating profusely, my eyes are unfocused even though I can't look away, my heart feels as if it's about to stop entirely, and there's tears running down my face. I can barely stand. "Evan!" I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm dying. Bella moves me to sit on the bench of a picnic table. She appears in my sight and I just barely was able to hear what she says. "Hey, hey, it's okay. Look at me." She says. "Breathe..." I place a hand over my chest and try to focus on my breathing as I stare at her. She nods. "Good. Deep breaths." I take deep breaths and I start to calm down.

I exhale shakily and grip the edges of the table as I ask, "What was that?"

"You had a panic attack." I look at her then I look back down. I don't ever want to feel that again...