Society | A Evan Lennon Story

23 - In Need Of A Plan

Evan

I slam my bedroom door shut as I walk in and I sit heavily on my bed. My parents and I have gotten into another argument over this whole thing, Kate had mentioned my post to them and they freaked out about it, speaking as if I was guilty. Of course, their opinion on the matter hadn't changed. I stare down as my leg bounces anxiously. My hands are in my lap, fiddling with each other and my breathing is shaky. I want to hurt myself. I look at my desk across the way with just my eyes and I stand. But before I can do anything else, I hear my window open. I turn and watch as Barrett climbs through. "Barrett? What- What are you doing here?" I ask. He doesn't answer me or even seem to have heard me. He turns toward the window after making it into my room and he reaches his arms through. My eyes shift over to the window again and two hands take Barrett's and when I see their pink, blue, and yellow nails followed by a head of silky, brown hair, I know it's Zamora. She steps through and stands upright. Barrett turns to me. "What's going on?" I ask. "Why aren't you guys in school?" They look at each other in a way that would suggest that they're deciding whether they should tell me something or not. My curiosity overcomes me and I ask, "What is it?"

Barrett looks at me. "Celeste.. she- she's made it clear that, uhm, that she doesn't- with everything going on, she believes that you, well.."

I look down. "She thinks I did it too?" It's silent. I look up. "The assault." I clarify but I know they knew what I meant.

Barrett's hesitant, he's stammering but he sighs and nods. "Y-Yeah..." He says a bit breathy. I nod and my eyes become unfocused. Despite my best efforts, I know they saw right through my unbothered appearance. I was hurt, deeply hurt. I expected that at the very least, Celeste would be on my side through all this, seeing how long we've known each other. I had my doubts about Zamora and when I didn't get any texts from Barrett, him too. But not Celeste, not even after she asked if what was said about me true. "I'm sorry."

I nod again. "It's fine." I look up after another silent moment and Zamora steps closer, reaching a hand out to place upon my shoulder, but I quickly step back. I quickly realize what I did the moment I did it and I huff and shake my head in frustration with myself and I look up at her again. "I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean-" She nods and smiles reassuringly. I nod and look back down. "I didn't hurt her, to be clear. She-"

"I know." She says. "I figured it out when I saw your post."

"Right." I haven't checked it since I posted it. I know I wouldn't be surprised by the comments, they were probably all nasty, minus a few, very few. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I was.. hesitant about telling anyone." I say, not wanting to admit that I was actually afraid. "I haven't told anyone really, just Kate and the consular, which didn't go very well if I'm being honest." I huff out a laugh. "My parents don't believe me and neither does Kate, I guess I can add Celeste to the list along with the rest of the school." I gulp hard and look up at their sad, sympathetic faces. "I got kicked off the rugby team, so I lost my scholarship and I'm suspended because of the video." My eyes wander downwards, a empty, sinking feeling in my chest. "I feel like the worlds out to get me and that makes me feel sorta crazy." I inhale shakily and my head lifts as I exhale. There's tears in my eyes now. "I feel angry, hurt, sad but empty at the same time. Then, I feel fine, like things are going to be okay, that they'll be better until something happens that makes me feel sad again." My eyes are darting around the room as I go on. I speak in a way that's probably too fast and probably has too many emotions to really be taken seriously, and my mind is racing, letting the words spill out like word vomit, I'm unable to stop it. "I want to hurt myself like all the time and I have, it's been hard stopping myself from doing it again and again until I'm dead, the thought is scary and comforting at the same time. It's the little hope I have that I can stop myself from going through with it and I'm scared that I'll lose that hope and I'll- that I'll-" I let out a shaky breath. "Kill myself." I manage to get out. I feel the warm tears flow down my face and my hands are shaking. "I want to kill myself." I say, this time, it's much more difficult to say, it's shaky and audibly difficult to get out. I finally look at them. Zamora's expression is unreadable, she has tears in her eyes and her face is recognizably different from Barrett's. He looks terrified, like a gun was just pointed at him. I know it's because what I'm saying is exactly how he felt earlier this year where he would eventually follow through on those feelings. I look down. "I'm sorry." I say. "I-I'm sorry, Barrett.." I shake my head, not wanting to look at him again. I don't want to see that terrified look on his face again. "I didn't mean to.. to, y'know, I, uhh, I didn't mean to bring back bad memories, I'm sorry..."

It's silent until Barrett says, "It's okay." His voice is gentle, but I can still hear the hurt in his voice that he so desperately tried to hide. I know he wanted me to be honest and that he appreciates it, but even then, it still hurt him to be reminded of this terrible summer.

"It's not." I say. "I should've been more careful about my words, I'm sorry."

"Evan." I don't look up. I hear footsteps become closer, then I see his worn-out converse, then I feel his hands take my face. I look up. Our eyes meet and he smiles softly at me. "It's okay." He repeats, but this time it's much more sincere, convincing. I smile.

"Evan.." I look at Zamora. Barrett steps away from me and turns. "What are we going to do about Jo-" She stops and looks at Barrett for a split second before looking back at me. "Her, y'know, the video?" She asks.

I furrow my eyebrows. "We?"

"Yes. We. We're going to help you clear your name, we want to help you." She says and I look down. I have no idea what to do. "We can't just simply do nothing." She adds.

I look up and stare at her for a moment before I shrug lightly. "I don't know." I say and I look down again. "I have no idea." I shake my head and look up but I don't look at them. "I've done all I can.. I-I told the consular, the headmaster knows about the conversation we had and I-"

"Wait." I look at Barrett. "The headmaster knows that you told Ms. Rodriguez about the assault, was it before she posted the video?" I nod. "And he still suspended you?" His voice was full of disbelief, his expression was too.

"He said it's for her safety."

"Her safety?"

"That's ridiculous. If you told her before the video and he knows, that should've been enough evidence against her." Zamora says.

"I know, but he believes her and not me because-"

"Because you're a boy."

I stare at her. I don't say anything for a moment because I'm still processing it all. "..Yeah..." I say.

"Christ. That's fucked up." Barrett says, mainly to himself.

"We can't- We have to do something. Anything!" It's silent again because we're all trying to figure something out, but I can't keep my mind from wandering. I can't stop thinking about Ben and the things he said and how I lost it, like proper lost control. I've never done that before, I've never been so angry in my life; not in control of my body. It makes me hate myself a lot more. "I know!" I look at her. "We can all go to the headmaster and say we know what happened, us and Bella."

"Would he even believe us? Without evidence?" Barrett asks.

"Maybe, but Bella's ought to know something about that night, right?"

"She, uh, she doesn't know much.. just that- she asked her where I was, that's all. That doesn't really prove much, if anything that makes me seem guiltier." I finally speak up.

"Okay.. what about clothes? We could-"

"No, I..I tossed them."

"Maybe, your mum saw them and took them out? We could take them to-"

I shake my head. "No. Guys." I look up at them. "I appreciate you trying to help me, I really do." I shrug lightly, my eyes becoming unfocused again. "But it's a lost cause. I'll never be believed. That's something I'll just have to accept." I look down again and I sit down on my desk chair, still faced toward them. "I think I just want to be alone right now..." I look up but look back down when I see the sad, pitiful looks on their faces. "I'm sorry." I say but I think it's too quiet for either of them to hear.

"We understand. We'll come by tomorrow to check in on you.. if that's okay?" Zamora says. I nod. "Okay." I hear two sets of footsteps, some coming closer and others getting further away. I flinch when two arms wrap around me. I look up and notice it's Barrett from his jumper, which he had borrowed from me. I also know I wouldn't be getting it back. I relax in his hold and bury my face into his shoulder and take in his scent, which just smells a lot like me. I don't hold him back, my hands hold the chair rather tightly. It's a long hug and neither of us say anything, we just cherish this moment. He pulls away after what feels like an eternity and I'm sad when it's over. He smiles down at me before walking over to Zamora, who's standing by the open window with a smile on her face. Then, they're gone.