𝐄𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 | g. w

49. a line not to be crossed

I'm a complete mess. I feel like I've fallen off the edge of a cliff with no way to pull myself back up. No one to save me but myself, and I'm slowly but surely slipping further and further down.

As of recent, the definition of George's and I's relationship has become more and more bipolar. One moment, everything seems fine between us; we talk and laugh as if no time has passed at all, as if all my mistakes were never made.

Then there are other times. Moments when it's the complete opposite, when all we seem to do is argue and make each other miserable.

It's exhausting to be frank, and I don't know how much longer I can do this. If the love I have for him could ever outweigh the heartache we've both endured in the last couple of weeks.

Right now, everything feels pretty grey, and it's like I'm fighting a battle that I know I might not ever win.

Trust me when I say that I know I'm being selfish. I keep telling myself if I just give it a little bit more time, If I just try to be a little more patient, then it will all be okay. It's just that the deal was, that I'd give him the time he needs to heal from all of this, and I'm scared it is going to be a long long time before we're back to how we used to be.

I'm honestly terrified that he's going to wake up one of these days and realise this has all been for naught. That him and me are a complete waste of time and that there is no coming back from the terrible mistakes I've made.

Still, I know in my heart that he loves me. At least that's what I want to believe.

I'm just not sure that it's enough.

(...)

"Wow, you could cut the tension in here with a knife the way you two behave around one another."

Fred's definitely been a thorn in my side at times during this whole thing, and although I love that goofball of a man to death, he sure knows how to make any situation even more frustrating when he wants to.

Currently, I'm helping the boys with working the till (since coming back to England I've not really found anything else to do to occupy myself besides helping them in the shop and wallowing in my own misery), and it seems it is going to be yet another day of George not speaking to me. In fact, he's barely even acknowledged my presence all afternoon, somehow making the hole in my heart even larger than it was before.

Merlin knows I've tried to get him to look at me, or better yet, answer me when I speak, but it's proving to be one of those days when his stubborn arse just won't do anything other than ignore me. It's truly been testing my patience and I've found myself growing more and more frustrated with his behaviour.

But despite the recurring heartache of knowing he's not yet in a place where he's truly forgiven me, I understand why that is. I did something horrible, something  that cannot be easily fixed or taken back.

I betrayed him. I broke his trust, and it might take more than a little time to earn that trust back. I have to respect that, no matter how regretful I am or how badly I want him to forgive me right this instant.

My eyes fall on Fred and his name leaves my mouth in the same instance it does George's. We both seem to realise this at the same time because George finally looks at me for what feels like the first time in forever, the depth of his eyes reminding me of a time when nothing but the both of us seemed to matter, when it was easy. It might only be for a fraction of a second, but it awakens those all too familiar butterflies in my stomach all the same.

I smile sadly, and he clears his throat before his eyes leave mine again. It feels awkward, and that makes me even more sad, because things between us have never been strained this way. We've always been comfortable around each other, no matter the circumstances, just like we have always been able to express our thoughts and feelings out loud to one another.